In case you're wondering just what the heck my plan file is, before you start reading it, here's the basics... In my plan file I'm collecting anything I find relatively interesting, funny, or enjoyable. I have many quotes, interesting "quips and quibbles", comedy routines, song lyrics, philosophical things to think about, etc...
BTW: I've decided to take out a whole bunch of sections (song lyrics, etc.) for various reasons. Quotes are about all I want in here now.
"Anger is a weapon only to one's opponent." - The Frantics
"M: Can anyone tell us the lesson that has been learned here?
S: Yes Master, not a single one of us could defeat you.
M: You gain wisdom child ... " - The Frantics
"I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body." - W. Smith
"My mind is like one big playground." - Theo
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From "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy":
Ode to a small lump of green putty I found in my armpit one Midsummers'
Morning: (by Grunthos, the flatulent)
Putty, Putty, Putty. Green Putty, Grutty Peen. Grarn Pitutty - Morning!
Pridsummer - Grorning utty. Discovery ... oh! Putty? Armpit?
Armpit ... Putty.
Not even a particularly nice shade of green.
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"I want to live forever, or die trying." - Me
"I want to rule the world by distributing SPAM to needy families, and
turning them into mind-controlled mutants who take over DAKA restaurants
and lunch services until I rule all of creation, AND downtown Worcester."
- Me
"The Beatles used more hair products then Jesus." - Rusty McGee
"The way of the warrior is one of peace interrupted by an occasional
unavoidable ass-kicking." - unknown
"This message comes to you in Spanish where translatable." - Theo
"Go that way really fast... If something gets in your way ... turn."
- From the movie Better Off Dead
"I work out at the He's Dead Gym." - unknown
"For by your words you shall be justified, and by your words you shall be
condemned." - Matthew 12:37
"Does skim milk come from skim cows?" - W. Smith
"you really enjoy Acapulco music ...? " - Slight misquote from Theo
"He's the sort of man people emigrate to avoid." - Rowan Atkinson
"Disk storage does not only come in 3.5-or-5.25-inch squares. A third
type of storage medium-the CD-ROM-is spherical." - PC Novice
"He's a freak of nature, but we love him so ..." - Red Hot Chili Peppers
"Matt to Lower Intestine ... Matt to Lower Intestine ... Please pick up
white courtesy phone." - Theo to Matt
"... this shit right here: Kraft Macaroni and Cheese ... still 38 cents
a metric ton... Can't beat it with a stick as far as I'm concerned."
- Richard Jeni
"I goto South Carolina's Regional Environmental Weather University ...
think about it." - Theo
Basic conclusions of The "O"'s last few Ethics papers:
Human Rights = An Eating Disorder
Sexual Harassment has two forms: Verbal and Physics.
Mohr is less.
"Derive the Big Bang Theory from F=ma." - Michelle about her Physics class
"6+2=8. Now describe why." - Joe about his Calculus class
"Hamsters .. Aisle 3 ... Duct-Tape .. Aisle 4 ... Clean-Up .. Aisle 3.5 ..."
- Discussion between Theo and Matt
"... and what are you? I'm an otter. and what do you do? I swim around
on my back and do cute little human things with my hands." - Denis Leary
"Good point. Exec board meetings are always ALWAYS (except when they're
not, and we'll tell you) Mondays at 5PM in Beckett conference room."
- Amy Plack
"Contemporary Rock music is based upon a 4:4 time scale with a repeating
rhythm section. Rap music on the other hand, is based upon the screeching
noise of a car quickly applying it brakes while heading towards a Mack
Truck, with the driver making strange 'Bloop, Bloop' noises."
- Discussion between Matt and Theo
"How to knock yourself out: Take a large herring, make contact with back
of head. Repeat if necessary." - Theo
"Dyslexics have more fnu." - unknown
"Son, do you think your friend Julio would like to carve ... ? "
- Ad from Out Magazine
"A force is a force, of course, of course, means acceleration is
different of course ... " - Theo
"Dear to the hearts of sailors and other people ... " - Prof. Hilsinger
"TVD: Hey ... At least they're not feeding the dog in this one...
Amy: And they don't have any forks either..."
- Discussion about the movie Heaven & Hell
"DOS ... How quaint." - Theo
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Unified Field Theory
In the beginning there was Aristotle, and all things at rest remained at
rest, and all things in motion tended to come to rest, and God saw that
it was boring.
So God created Newton, and all things at rest remained at rest, and all
things in motion remained in motion, and energy was conserved, and
momentum was conserved, and matter was conserved, and God saw that it was
conservative.
Then God created Einstein, and all things became relative. There were
inertial frames. Everything was generally relative, but some things were
especially relative.
Then God created Bohr, and there was the principle, and the principle was
quantum, and all things were relative, and God saw that it was confusing.
And God was going to create Furgeson, and Furgeson would have fielded a
theory, and the theory would have unified all things, and all would have
been one. But God rested on the seventh day, and things at rest tend to
remain at rest.
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"Screens are sometimes called displays because they display stuff ... "
- UNIX for Dummies
"So Lone Star ... Now you see that evil will always triumph because good is
dumb." - Space Balls
"It's not that we're afraid ... Far from it ... It's just that we have
this thing about death ... it's not us." - Space Balls
"It's a good cause... Cause it's good...?" - Hardcore TV
5:15 on the 23rd of November, 1963 ... An Unearthly Child ...
"Where as John was much more holmsian, wasn't he... from a very grand and
uhh... and he's so shockingly recognized, wasn't he? He's rather like a
tall light bulb, isn't he?" - Tom Baker
"... and what do we have on this thing ..? a cuisinart?" - Space Balls
"If you can read this, you don't need glasses." - Space Balls
"The adult film industry is like a big family... a big, scary, inbred
family." - Hardcore TV
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Space Balls-
H: What's the matter with this thing? What's all that churning and
bubbling? You call that a radar screen?
S: No sir. We call it ... <slap> ... Mr. Coffee.
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"I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate." - Space Balls
"I am NOT a computer geek! ... I just spend too much time in front of the
computer." - Theo
"Today is going to be one of those days, isn't it? Wait a minute... It's
4pm... It *IS* one of those days..." - Theo
"What's your sign? Neon." - T-Bone
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[The Penultimate Supper]
P: Now I commissioned a last supper from you, and a last supper I want ...
M: Yeah, but look ...
P: With 12 Disciples and 1 Christ.
M: ONE?!?
P: Yes 1. Now will you please tell me what in God's name possessed you
to paint this with 3 Christs in it?
M: It works mate!
P: It does not work!
M: It does, It looks great! The fat one balances the 2 skinny ones...
P: There was only 1 savior.
M: Well I know that, everyone knows that... but what about a little
artistic license?
P: 1 REDEEMER!
M: I'll tell you what you want mate ... you want a bloody photographer
... not a creative artist with some imagination.
P: I'll tell you what I want ... I want a last supper, with 1 Christ, 12
Disciples, no kangaroos by Thursday lunch, or you don't get paid.
M: BLOODY FASCIST!
P: Look ... I'm the bloody Pope! I may not know much about art ... but I
know what I like...
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"Fractions are like popcorn ... white and fluffy ..." - Prof. Branche
"dy/dx = dy/du * du/dv * dv/dx ... Have some fun!" - Prof. Branche
"J: Do YOU know who the Spin Doctors are?
P: Maybe your mother does..." - John West and a Pizza Delivery Guy
"I did it the old fashioned way... I begged." - Wolf
"You've been sleeping all day you dope ... Are you ok? -- How do you feel?
I feel ... Good." - Wolf
"You have a tiny little mind, and I'll play with it as much as I want."
- Derek
"Is any of this true? Not yet. You're my god." - Wolf
"What is it about a full moon? More light..." - Wolf
"We don't make mistakes ... We just have happy little accidents."
- The Joy of Bikini Waxing (HardCore TV)
"I'm not making any money with my Liberal Arts degree..."
- Peter Mulvey
"We study the way to protect rather than destroy. Avoid rather than check;
check rather than hurt; hurt rather than maim; maim rather than kill; for
all life is precious, nor can any be replaced" - Shaolin code
"Hey... the LNL ladder's paint shelf can hold a full-range!"
- From a LNL meeting...
"SOMA - Where we turn them into pretzels and other various pastries ...
Insert straw and enjoy!" - Alan
"M: That was the night of the earthquake.
N: Oh, so the Earth moved, did it?
T: Not in that way..."
- Michelle, Noah, and myself talking about a movie fest
"T: Michelle, have you seen 'The Godfather?'
M: No.
T: Good, neither have I." - Michelle and Theo
"It is sometimes fun to scare people... Especially Matt." - Michelle
To the tune of "The Brady Bunch Theme":
"Here's a story, of a drunken roommate,
Who came in after a very long party.
He was wasted, out of his mind,
Like he was all the time..." - From the night of the great honking
"Theo in Greek = God
Michelle in Hebrew = Who is like God" - Little interesting Quibble.
"But these go to 11..." - Spinal Tap
"you're a freak... it's 5am." - Matt
"Oh, go and eat my alarm clock." - Matt
"You only have to imagine Bert as a part of Ernie's anatomy, and the
whole thing takes on an entirely new meaning." - Theo commenting on Bert's Nap
"How can I be miserable and you be content? Luck." - The Ref
"Human beings have feelings. Didn't your alien leaders teach you that
before they sent you here?" - The Ref
"Well my mother was Irish... and your father? ... wasn't ..." - The Ref
"DAKA ... for a good night of fasting." - Theo
"Maybe Santa and the Easter Bunny will take a fucking trip to Jamaica and
you can deliver your own damn gifts next year." - Santa in "The Ref"
"That's why I love NyQuil. Capital N, small y, big fucking Q!
NyQuil NyQuil NyQuil, we love you, you giant fucking Q!" - Denis Leary
"Love me tender, love me true, empty my colostomy bag..." - Denis Leary
"And now for another example that we're fond of going to ... from 1 or 2
charges ... to billions and billions." - Prof. Jasperson
"Something at infinity is infinitely far away." - Prof. Jasperson
"Good news, good news abounds." - Prof. Branche
"Apple Juice... Kinda like water, kinda like pie... whoopie!" - Theo
"Red meat, white meat, blue meat, meat oh fucking rama you will eat it."
- Denis Leary
"That's not sick and twisted ... that's just horny." - Dan Afonso
"How to: Insert Tab A into Slot B ... Have fun!" - Theo
"They sell cans of fresh Maine air ... probably vacuum-sealed." - Theo
"Now it's time for pay back ... Can someone lend me enough for a Coke?"
- Chris Bentley
"T: Hey Amy! Welcome to the wonderful world of the backstage area.
A: Grrrrrrrrr." - from A Midsummers' Nightmare (WPI)
"I lost my foo." - Theo
"To love another person is to see the face of God." - Les Miserables
Just because I liked it from Monty Python:
<Baaa baaa...flap flap flap...whoosh...Thud.>
(sheep trying to fly...)
"Cry, and the world cries with you. Laugh at the world, and you get
another appointment with the school psychiatrist. Oh damn." - MB
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BERT'S NAP (See the NO COMMENT section...)
Bert: <yawn> Oh, oh boy! Now, it's time for my nap. Oh, am I tired!
<yawn> -gets into bed- <yawn> -snores-
Ernie: Hey Bert! Oh Bert! Oh Buddie Bert! Hey Bert! Bert! Where are
you Bert!?! Oh...Hmmm...
<g> You know, it's just possible that my Ol' Buddie Bert here is
asleep. For one thing, he's lying down, which he usually does when he
is asleep. For another thing, his eyes are closed. Yeah. And for
another thing, he's not answering me when I talk. So Ol' Buddie Bert
is probably asleep. But I will check, just to make sure...
POKE! POKE! POKE! POKE! POKE! POKE! POKE! Note how I can poke
Ol' Buddie Bert in the stomach and he doesn't complain. Now when Ol'
Buddie Bert is awake and I poke him in the stomach, he complains.
Hmmmm...
Now looky here--note how floppy and soggy-like Ol' Buddie Bert's arm
is. Yeah. Now when Ol' Buddie Bert is awake, he's not floppy and
soggy-like. So, I am quite certain that Ol' Buddie Bert is very
definitely asleep. Yeah.
On the other hand...Now his eyes are open. My Ol' Buddie Bert's eyes
are usually open only when he is awake, so he's probably awake. But I
will check to make sure...
POKE! POKE! POKE! POKE! POKE! POKE! POKE!
B: Now cut that out!
E: See! I was right! He is awake!
B: Ernie,
E: Yeah?
B: Why did you wake me up?
E: Did I wake you up Ol' Buddie?
B: Yes you did!
E: See? I was right! First he was asleep, now he is awake.
B: Ernie, why did you wake me up?
E: Um, uh, let's see, uh, oh! Because I have something very important
to tell you.
B: What's that?
E: Well, you see, I just looked at the clock.
B: So?
E: It's time for you nap.
B: AARRGGHH!!!
E: Well, sleep tight!
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"War against Peace!
Uh Yeah Matt... War against Peace... 'PEACE MAKERS GO HOME!' and then the
guy pulls out a gun, and shoots the person next to him..."
- Matt and Theo
Most interesting thing I've seen today: a 4 foot walking penis...
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Part of a my last Crew Chief report:
- The band came... band? what band? you mean there's a band?
- Hey! why's the fire alarm going off? hmmmm... seems loud... maybe
we should mike it? ... naaah... loud enough.
- Here's a story, of an RA party,
who only wanted a PA and a mike,
but we were stuck with, two boards, track-sports, mirror ball,
and a light board,
and I have a cool penguin.
- Look! the mirror ball... I THOUGHT it was turning...
- Wow! All the lights stayed hung! We can do something right!!
- Hey! Look! They're dancing with spoons?!? Weren't there any girls?
They didn't look unpopular.
- Frame! ok, I got it Greg... Hmmm... Oh... I guess if I was on the
right projector.
- Hey! He's slow dancing with 3 girls... at once... apparently, they're
more friendly than the spoons.
- "No! I'm NOT the DJ!"
- "Dan, stop it! We are NOT using towers!"
- "Why won't the Hill work? Gains are up... Everything's connected...
Hmmm... Dan? Oh... the power switch."
- Hmmm... 8 girls in the bathroom? Only one can go... what do the
other 7 do? Chant? "Go, go, go!!!"
- WPI has a 4:1 ratio... that's right, but wait, that's 4 girls and 1
guy? in the bathroom... you mean separate bathrooms? no, together.
- The lights are up! Wait! They're putting a stage in the middle of
the dance floor! Stop them!!!
- "Medicus... that's a ladder, NOT a pogo stick."
- "What? you mean others DON'T stay up an hour later to write the report?
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"The mind of the beginner is empty, free of the habits of the expert,
ready to accept, to doubt, and open to all the possibilities."
- Shunryu Suzuki
"Beaten paths are for beaten men." - Unknown
"Choose your weapons to match the war." - Brad Cox
"All words are pegs to hang ideas on." - Henry Ward Beecher
"It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex task to make
things simple." - Unknown
"It is easier to confess a defect then to claim a quality." - Max Beerbohm
"In the universe, great acts are made up of small deeds." - Lao Tzu
"Do it badly, do it quickly, make it better, and then say you planned it."
- Tom Peters
"Great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending." - Longfellow
"Michelle, ma belle, sont les mon qui vont tres bien ensemble."
- The Beatles, "Michelle"
"Sleeping is the highest regard of genius." - Kierkegard
"... as you go forth today ... or fifth, depending on your order in line ..."
- From the movie "Toys"
"I came here to eat carrots and kick butt, and I'm all out of carrots."
- One Must Fall:2097
"I came here to kick butt and chew gum, and I'm all out of gum."
- They Live (movie)
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with but a step." - Chinese Proverb
"It's as clean as a whistle...? Well, I've seen some pretty dirty
whistles in my time..." - Theo
"... the overall impression is that the sex lives of most Americans are
about as exciting as a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich." - Time Magazine
"Exactly what it should've been, give people what they expect. The third
one can be clever." - John Hughes about Home Alone 2
"T: Oh yeah Bill? Well... I STARTED the argument about contradictions you
know...
B: No you didn't..." - Bill and Theo
Correct title for the movie "Before Sunrise" is "Are they going to do it
before Sunrise?" - Amy Plack
"A: Hey, I just gave 150 guys hard-ons in there by showing this one movie.
Really... you didn't see the guy over there with his hands in his pants,
moving around and stuff..
T: Amy... the guy over there was Dan...
A: Oh..." - Booth banter
"A: ... have you done it in a box, have you done it with a fox ...
G: Well actually ...
A: Shut up Greg. Excuse me while I give Greg a noogie."
- Dr. Seuss Purity Test w/ Amy&Greg Marr
"... Either this man is suffering from serious brain damage, or the new
vacuum cleaner's arrived..." - Rowan Atkinson
"For all these years I've secretly been naked underneath my clothes..."
- From the movie "Student Bodies"
"Doctor Sigmund told me that sexual repression causes Swine Flu, so..."
- From the movie "Student Bodies"
"... leading to the greatest psychological problem of them all ... death."
- From the movie "Student Bodies"
"Si Non Oscillas Noli Tintinnare. = If you don't swing, don't ring."
- From the Playboy Mag. Home Page
"... the Saab company didn't report a slight problem with the Saab 9000
cars. The Saabs have a problem with the wiring which causes the engine
to fail, and the power windows and door locks to stop working. The car then
fills with smoke pouring from the dashboard, and then may explode."
- From Headline News
"Winnie the Pooh is the balls." - Matt
"Wouldn't it be neat if there was a new Tom Hanks western/romance film called
Sheepless in Laredo?" - unknown
"What do you get the person who has everything? - A calendar... Reminds them
when all the bills are due." - Theo
"I've been told to wait 1 hour after eating to go swimming... but fish eat,
and then they swim immediately." - Richard Jeni
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Current theories and questions from Theo:
Dying is the leading cause of death in the world.
"If a tree falls in a forest, but no one is around to hear it, will it make
a sound?" - Of course it will, it's a tree.
If firefighters fight fire, and crimefighters fight crime, what do
freedomfighters fight?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are there certain flavors of pet food? Chicken, beef...
If you work in a hospital, can you call in sick?
Light isn't the moving particle/wave that everyone thinks it to be.
Darkness is. Why? Because dark moves the same speed through all mediums
as opposed to light, which doesn't travel at the speed of light.
The vegetarian crossed the road to get squashed.
What a fish thinks while swimming around in a fish bowl:
"<flip flip flip> Hey! Nice Plant! <flip flip flip> Hey, I've
seen a plant just like that once! <flip flip flip> Hey! There's
lots of plants around here! <flip flip flip>"
How does a fly land on the ceiling? Does it fly upside down or just go up
there and then flip?
Why does the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous theme song sound like the
theme song from Charlie's Angels?
Why does Pizza Hut celebrate Cinco de Mayo on May 2nd...?
Why is there a file in the /usr/include/unused directory?
If people who are psycho-kinetic (people who can move things with their
minds) can't get up in the morning, can they just levitate themselves,
and make themselves move around and do things until they wake up?
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"Your door is a jar. No it's not... It's a door." - The "O"
"It's called ice, and it gets a little slick." - From the movie True Lies
"and why do they call him the sand spider?
probably because it sounds scary..." - From the movie True Lies
"I'm nothing ... I'm navel lint ..." - From the movie True Lies
"Yogi Bear went to hell in a pic-a-nic basket, NOT a handbasket..."
- Theo
The Jane Fonda Sex Video! : "and 5 more, and 4 more, and 3 more, looking
good!" - Theo
From the Healthy Alternatives House application:
"Do you smoke?
Do you prefer living with a smoker?"
"Now in the place where he was crucified there was a garden; and in the
garden a new sepulcher, wherein was never man yet laid."
- John 19:41
"Walk softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword." - From a screen saver
"BUGS: This manpage is confusing." - man page for getopt
"The human sexual areas are like Dolby Surround sound... There are
front, rear, and center channels..." - Theo
"... by changing many lightbulbs, and I'm an Electrical Engineer, and it
only takes 1 of us ..." - Prof. Vaz
"... and a chunk of carbon is a mighty simple thing." - Prof. Vaz
"Anybody interested in entrepreneurship, and/or beer ..." - Prof. Vaz
"... and usually a little algebra is dangerous ..." - Prof. Keil
"... and a photon comes flying out." - Prof. Van Bluemel
"Wheeeeeeee!" - Theo's response
"These periods are always 15 minutes shorter than I'd like them, and
probably 15 minutes longer than you'd like them." - Prof. Van Bluemel
"You see that I PROOVED this ... " - Prof. Pardis
"Oooooooh... Aren't you special?" - Anonymous response
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The "Duh!" section... This is the place where the quotes that the
correct answer is "Duh!" for go... :
"... because you know light travels at the speed of light ..." - Prof. Keil
" ... it wasn't plugged in. The first thing you should check on an
appliance is if it's plugged in. That's usually the problem." - MST3K
"It's stupid to slap a table ... " - Prof. Long
"/etc/fstab The file fstab resides in /etc." - man page for fstab
"There's a place where the mountain climbers never touch the ground."
- Visa Ad
"Of course they don't touch the ground... they're on a mountain..."
- Theo's response
"You probably don't walk over to a door and pull on the hinge. Why not?
Because it's stupid ... " - Prof. Long
"The implication is this: wires don't push ... " - Prof. Long
"Zero equals Zero" - Prof. Farr
"L: Well... Do you have any kids?
T: No...
L: Oh. Well, do you have any grandkids?
T: Ummm <chuckle> ... No ..."
- Telephone saleswoman trying to sell me a family portrait
"Logic is very, very straight-forward." - Instructor Dean
"It started as all journies do, with a beginning..." - Commercial
"You only use spherical coordinates when you've got a sphere." - Prof. Farr
"Let's support what does work, and not support what doesn't work."
- President Clinton
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"EE good." - Prof. Vaz
"The most useful pieces of engineering that you'll probably ever have to
do will be to thwart some lawyer somewhere..." - Prof. Vaz
"Hey, it's spring!
How can you tell?
The Maxi-Pads are flying, look!" - Theo
"I'm much more than a walking penis... I'm a flying penis." - Terminal Velocity
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Theo's X-Rated Idea Schedule:
1) Mortal Combat
2) Care Bears
3) Remote Controlled walking penis
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"Roxanne Tisch, aka 'The Slasher'..." - Prof. Farr
"You can see if I trip on the cord, or more likely WHEN I trip on the cord..."
- Prof. Farr
"Pack your bags boys, we're going on a guilt trip." - Terminal Velocity
"What's funny? I'd like to know. Send me some E-Mail." - Prof. Farr
"It timed me out... I hate Windows." - Prof. Farr
"Ok, I've had enough for today." - Prof. Farr
Theo's plan to launder $80,000...
1) get the money in $1 bills.
2) buy 1 Pepsi with each dollar bill
3) you're done. you have ~$40000 left in change, and a lot of Pepsi.
4) get really wired on caffeine and walk around with your change.
"You might say 'So what?'" - Prof. Farr
"So what?" - Students
"Good, I like that." - Prof. Farr
"You can see I'm having a good time with this... Oh, here it is."
- Prof. Farr
"Now you can do that thing with your hands... It's ok." - Prof. Farr
"... and now we have a parallelogram, or at least we would if I could draw."
- Prof. Farr
"... and the rest of you think I'm making this up again... It would make
the class more fun, but I'm not..." - Prof. Farr
"... and don't we all love Pspice?" - Instructor Dean
"Do we have the magnitude of P? A slight nod would do." - Roxanne Tisch
"Crystals do for new age what velvet paintings did for art."
- From the movie Road Scholar
"A softball is like a foot. Don't try to lick it when it's traveling
unusually fast towards your face." - a proverb from the Book of Mike
"Calculus is supposed to be useful ... See, you guys think I'm joking..."
- Prof. Farr
"CS... You guys are hopeless anyway..." - Prof. Farr
"Oh gee, there it is, too bad." - Prof. Farr
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The overly scientific section of Theo's Plan file:
"The little blue piece of equipment..." - Instructor Dean
"Euler's Identity ... the Sine/Cosine thing..." - Instructor Dean
"... it's inverted with this little bubble thing ..." - Instructor Dean
"You just reciprocate the small one ..." - Peter Sagerson
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"You sold my penis to WHO?!?" - Theo
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Theo's picks for bad pickup lines of the week:
"I wasn't no boy scout, but I do come prepared."
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"They were printing out the damn bible ... Jesus Christ!" - Matt
"6. Few forest creatures have cellular phones." - From a Top 10 List
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Theo's NO COMMENT section
"I'll do you over here." - Some lady at Big "D"
"Take a position that commands respect." - Navy Ad
The entire script to Bert's Nap (from above)
"The problem is that there's not enough tension on the shaft." - Jon Stewart
"There are just some places I don't fit in." - Suzanne Wertenhoffer
"Swing it good, swing it hard - and try to avoid blows to the groin area."
- Legend of the Red Dragon
"Maybe I'll have a banana... I haven't had a banana in a LOOOOOONG time..."
- Theo's mother
"... you can adjust it in one hand." - Commercial for RoboGrip
Remove the word "easel":
------------------------
"1) Insert index finger into slot A.
Pull back until preforated edges separate easel back from base.
2) Pull down on A bending at B.
3) Line up A with slot C.
Insert A into C until easel back is securely attached to base."
- Far Side Calendar Setup Help
"Have you ever masturbated within ten feet of a zucchini?"
- An internet survey
"I do it when I want to do it as long as I get it out on time."
- Theo's mother
"I don't want to over-do her." - Theo's mother
"P>Now pick out two possessions that you can ALWAYS pull out with no trouble.
>Generally anything but the biggest and most powerful (i.e. mimicing"
- Pteryx from the GSC
"I usually have mine in my pocket." - Lady at Cabletron
"... it's time the pentagon funded Hyman." - From an interview on CNN
"... and he'll touch you tonight too..." - A Girl in Alden Hall
"I'm having problems getting it up ..." - Leon Lafond
"You want me to get off ..." - Susan Veitch
"Why aren't you on my staff?" - From the movie "The American President"
"Look at that crank!" - From Investigating Reports
"Everytime I kiss you, I'll be tasting 36 other guys ..."
- From the movie Clerks
"... well, go ahead and pump her ..." - Woman at Gas Station
"Hey Bill, do you have that bazooka in your pants? <Bill slowly turns his
head> Err, let me rephrase that..." - Theo
"Never let a girl handle your piece." - Chuck Norris in Forced Vengeance
"I can get mine up to about 775 x 775 before it starts to overflow."
- Richard Cheng, about array buffers for animation
"If you were really into it, you bought a really long one (about 20 inches)
so you could get better precision."
- Professor Emeritus Wayne McMorran of CA Polytechnic State University
talking about slide rules
"You gotta sorta lick the thing when you're done." - Emeril Lagasse
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Sometimes women just don't understand a guy's need to vegetate." - Timex
"They take normal salmon noises and distort them, that is apparently very
displeasing to adolescent salmon. Probably the aquatic equivalent to
Wayne Newton." - Beyond 2000
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Interesting Facts
There is no film (besides propaganda films) that have the word "Marijuana"
in their title.
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are
1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on
the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
... anagrams to ...
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
Longest word in the English Language:
pneuminoultramicroscopicosilicovolcanokoniosis = Black Lung Disease
"To give you another perspective on the size of these numbers, assume that
you (somehow) could precalculate the factors of all 200 decimal digit
numbers. Simply to sort the unfactored numbers themselves would require
approximately (9*10^200) * 665 bits of storage (not including any overhead
for indexing). Assume that you can store these on special media that hold
100GB (100*1024^4 or approximately 1.1*10^14) of storage. You would need
about 6.12*10^189 of these disks.
Now assume that each of those disks is only one millionth of a gram in
weight (1 pound is 453.59 grams). The weight of all your storage would
come to over 6.75*10^177 tons of disk. The planet Earth weighs only
6.588*10^21 tons. The Chandrasekhar limit, the amount of mass at which a
star will collapse into a black hole, is about 1.5 times the mass of our
Sun, or approximately 3.29*10^27 tons. Thus, your storage, left to
itself, would collapse into a black hole from which your factoring could
not escape!" - From: Practical UNIX and Internet Security, 2nd ed.,
Garfinkel and Spafford, O'Reilly and Associates, Page 163
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I am *NOT* a trout!" - Theo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Webster Definition for "felicity"
fe. lic.i.ty \fi-' lis-* t-e-\ n [ME felicite, fr. MF felicite`, fr. L
felicitat-, felicit]as, fr. felic-, felix fruitful, happy 1a: the quality or
state of being happy; esp : great happiness 1b: an instance of happiness 2:
something that causes happiness 3: a pleasing faculty esp. in art or language:
APTNESS 4: an apt expression
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I could excite a little wave pulse ..." - Prof. Aravind
"Hey! Look at me! I'm a little wave pulse... Wheeee!" - Theo's Response
"... although it's better if you call it an osculating circle because nobody
knows what it means. Except those smarty-pants math professors..."
- Prof. Farr
"I forgot, he's got a super-long tongue..." - Michelle
"Kids... Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em." - From Grumpy Old Men
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ode to DAKA (Sung to the Disney Theme)
Be our guest, be our guest
You want service? Oh you jest!
Put that napkin to your mouth, cherie
Spit out that awful mess.
Soup is poor, meat is green
Why, we only use Grade "D".
Try the grey stuff, it's delicious.
Don't believe us? Damn, it's vicious!
We can sing, we can dance
In our polyester pants
And a dinner here is always second best.
Go on, give it a whirl.
Leave the commons, then hurl.
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!
Mystery meat, corn souffle, armadillo a flambe
We'll prepare and serve with hair a culinary tragede'.
You're not alone, we're all scared
'cause the meal's ill-prepared.
You're all gloomy and complaining,
Go to hell 'cause you're prepaying.
We're a joke! We play tricks -
There's no meat in those Quick Chicks.
We smear them with a paste you can't digest!
Come on and move your ass!
You're soon to pass some gas so
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!
The meal is so unnerving
When you see just who is serving.
Here's a bowl with a sole to chew upon.
Ahhhhh...those good old days when we were nasty.
Suddenly those good old days are gone.
Seven months we've been cheery,
Did you note the food's still dreary?
Needing training - we've got no cooking skills.
Most days we grab what lies around the kitchen
Cover it with gravy
Here's the parents - oopsidazy!
It's a guest! It's a guest!
Now we've got to be our best!
They pay board and thank the Lord
That it's they who sign the checks.
Eat dessert, then just leave.
Just get out before you heave.
While our concoctions are still brewin'
You'll be gagging, you'll be spewin'
We've got beef, maybe not
Heavens sake, was that Spot?
Grind him up,
We don't care if you're impressed!
It's a surprise for you,
You'll never have a clue!
When you're our guest,
Be our guest, be our guest!
Be our guest! Be our guest!
Those aren't jimmies, they're insects.
It's ten years since we've had fumigators here,
So we've got pests!
Try the veal, try Chinese
They'll both bring you to your knees!
Overnight the mold's still growing
Add some sauce so it's not showing.
Down they go, One by one
They all shout, "I've got the runs!"
Tomorrow comes real soon
Aren't you depressed?
Next year avoid the food trap,
But for now it's our crap
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!
PLEASE! BE OUR GUEST!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Yea, it's gone." - Prof. Farr
"Let's start by ... spelling the word correctly..." - Roxanne Tisch
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: NAME: Sharon C. Davis
During the last few years, a number of students have come to the WPI Alumni
Office to secure a copy of Mildred Tymeson's book Two Towers: A History of WPI
from 1965-1965. Unfortunately, our supply of the book has been completely
depleted and the book is no longer available.
Theo's Response:
Apparently WPI's history was VERY active in 1965... Not only
does that year have it's own book, it sold out!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If the graph, when suitably blown up ..." - Prof. Farr
"BOOM!" - John and Theo's response
"Zebras, like turkeys, can't fly." - Strange Wilderness
"L: And stop saying Okay, okay?
M: Okay.
L: Good." - The Professional
"Why is OJ's alibi like John Bobbitt's penis?
Neither will stand up in court." - Unknown
"Running Linux 1.2 Because a 486 is a terrible thing to waste." - Unknown
"Could I have a turkey breast sandwich? ... Shut up, Matt!" - Theo
"Real programmers don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how
to spell quiche. They eat Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching Szechwan
food." - Unknown
"Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at
9 am, it's because they were up all night." - Unknown
"Real programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was
invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to 'think big'." - Unknown
"M: You guys didn't notice that? There were two girls in the corner being a
little more friendly than usual.
T: What? I didn't see that? Damn, I always miss the lesbians."
- Michelle and Theo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING!
This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need. A
special circuit in this machine called a "critical detector" senses the
operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use
the machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction
proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine
with violence only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use
another machine may cause it to also malfunction. They belong to the
same union.
Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"G: And are you using Windows or a Mac?
T: Neither, I'm using Linux.
G: Oh, you're a power user." - Theo and his ex-ISP
"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole
country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
- Ronald Reagan
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A moose was walking through a field one fine summer day, minding his own
business, when he suddenly fell off a cliff.
The moral of the story: Don't be a moose.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from
the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to
ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that
its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do
enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
-- Henry Kissinger
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to Leave the Planet - Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
1) Phone NASA. Their phone number is (713) 483-3111. Explain that it's
very important that you get away as soon as possible.
2) If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White
House - (202) 456-1414 - to have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA.
3) If you don't have any friends in the White House, phone the Kremlin
(ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051). They don't have any
friends there either (at least, none to speak of), but they do seem to
have a little influence, so you may as well try.
4) If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone
number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible.
5) If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and
explain that it's vitally important you get away before your phone bill
arrives.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Any similarity to person/persons now living to anyone or thing, dead or
undead, is entirely accidental and just one more irrefutable proof of the
paranormal." - From the 7th Guest
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part of Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail...
In Spanish.
Slightly redone.
Hi.
Arthur: Alto! Hola? Hola?
Frenchman: Hola! Quien es?
Arthur: Es rey Arthur, y estos son mis caballeros de la mesa redonda.
Cual castillo es?
Frenchman: Este es el castillo de mi amo Guwida Luwapa!
Arthur: Vaya y diga a tu amo que nosotros hemos sido mandado por dios con
una pesguisa sagrada. Si el nos dara comida y posada por la noche,
el podra juntamos en nuestra pesquisa por la holy grail.
Frenchman: Pues, yo lo preguntare, pero yo no pienso que el estara muy agudo.
Ahhh... El ya tiene uno, ve ud.
Arthur: Que?
Gallahad: El die que el ya tiena uno.
Arthur: Esta positivio ud. Que el tiena uno.
Frenchman: Ayyy.... Si, es muy bueno.
Arthur: Pues, Ahhhh.. Podemos verlo?
Frenchman: No es possible. Uds. Son tipos ingleses.
Arthur: Pues, Que es ud. Entonces?
Frenchman: Soy frances. Porque piensa ud. Que yo tenga este acento
ultrajante ud. Rey bobo.
Gallahad: Que esta ud. Haciendo en England?
Frenchman: No me moleste!!!
Arthur: Si no nos ensena ud. El holy grail, nosotros tomeremos tu castillo
por fuerza.
Frenchman: Ahora salgan antes de yo les moleste orta vez.
Gallahad: Hay otra persona con que podemos hablar.
Frenchman: No ahora salgan!!!!!!
Arthur: Ahora mira aqui.....
Frenchman: Yo no quiero hablarle mas, ud. Cabeza hueca rey.
------------Vaca------------
Arthur: Corra!!! Corra!!!
Lancolt: Amigos, yo los rompo.
Arthur: No No No No!!!!!!!
Benevere: Don tengo un plan.
------------Vaca------------
Frenchman: Un regalo!!!!
Arthur: Que pasa ahora???
Benevere: Pues ahora a Lancalot, Gallahad, y Yo quedamos hasta el anochecer,
entonces saltan del conejo, tomando las frances por sorpresa, no
solo por sorpresa pero sin armanento.
Arthur: Quien salta?????
Benevere: Ahhhh, Lancalot, Gallahad, y Yo.... Ahhhhh....
Arthur: Ay dio!!!!!!
Benevere: Tal vez un tejon grande.....
All: Corre!!! Corre!!!! Corre!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"All cast members of the 7th Guest stayed at the luxurious Bates Motel
where 'Showering is Always an Adventure'." - From the 7th Guest
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:
The argument goes something like this: "I refuse to prove that I exist,"
says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."
"But," says Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could
not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by
your own arguments, you don't. QED."
"Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in
a puff of logic.
"Oh, that was easy," says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that
black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"And, although some really nasty mind-games were played, no entities were
physically harmed during the making of this interactive entertainment
(except for the botched special-effect on the bunny rabbit that went so
horribly wrong and really bummed everyone out, no thanks to Mr. Boomer)."
- From the 7th Guest
'cd /usr/lib/X11 | more' - Bill
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator evaluation of Theo (I find it interesting...):
Full of enthusiasms and loyalties, but seldom talk of these until they
know you well. Care about learning, ideas, language, and independent
projects of their own. Tend to undertake too much, then somehow get it
done. Friendly, but often too absorbed in what they are doing to be
sociable. Little concerned with possessions or physical surroundings.
I was also really close to this possible choice too:
Quiet and reserved. Especially enjoy theoretical or scientific
pursuits. Like solving problems with logic and analysis. Usually
interested mainly in ideas, with little liking for parties or small
talk. Tend to have sharply defined interests. Need careers where some
strong interest can be used and be useful.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Oh... Well at least it didn't explode..." - Prof. Wills
"Seat Belt unbuckled, door open, and the driver is probably inebriated..."
- Prof. Vaz
"Now let's say I like sheep... And now let's say I take the sheep to a
Christmas party..." - Bob Golub
"I don't care what your sexual preference is... I mean it really doesn't
bother me who your partner is... Opposite sex, Same sex ... Best of Show ...
it really doesn't matter..." - Jeff Szesario
"The 5th Commandment says 'Thou Shalt Not Kill'. It does not say 'Thou
Shalt Not Kill Nice People.'" - Michael Moriarty
"In case you're wondering why I mentioned 'My Fair Lady' and then sung
part of a song from 'West Side Story' ... it's because I'm stupid." - Pat Sajak
"What to do if Drew Barrimore flashes you ..." - NBC Nightside
"Stay calm, don't operate heavy machinery ..." - Theo's Response
"No annual fee for 6 months ..." - Credit Card Commercial
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Legend of the Red Dragon:
The vows are short and to the point - but heartfelt. You are especially
proud of the one "To have to hold - and to satisfy anytime she needs it"
(you made that one up yourself) Seth Able laughs at the back of the
church at this. Many faces turn in his direction - making him turn
a bright purple.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Why is there a watermelon there? I'll tell you later." - From Buckaroo Bonzai
"I know that, you know that, but kids just don't make news unless they're
arrested for drugs, gangs, or some form of violence..." - Michelle
"or sports..." - Theo's response
"Shell programming can be a difficult lesson in frustration."
- Linux Reference Manual
"Female who thinks a lot about sex = nymphomaniac
Male who thinks a lot about sex = man" - Unknown
"These young men are celebrating that they won't have to be circumsized
again." - Terry Jones talking about the Crusades
"I should hope not... once is QUITE enough." - Theo's response
"My psychic guided us to our best fishing trip ever..." - Commercial
Theo's Cooking Tips:
--------------------
#1 - Do Not Fry Jalapeno Peppers. I was making my "famous" spaghetti
sauce, and I started to fry some of these peppers on request. The
peppers became the producer of a tear gas-like substitute. Not only
did the other 5 people in the house start coughing and hacking, and
some had to go outside, but the cat, asleep in the other room, woke
up, and ran to the door to be let out. Needless to say, unless
someone tries to invade your house, do NOT fry jalapeno peppers.
#2 - Don't fry bacon when your naked.
"You can use a morphing program and morph someone you don't like into
satan or something..." - From C|Net
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Stupidest Book in Existence:
Fear Macs No More
by Danny Goodman
c. 1993 by Brady Publishing (a division of Prentice Hall)
New York, NY
ISBN 1-56686-082-2
Library of Congress Cat. No. 93-9562
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A Young Eel is called this." - Jeopardy Question
"What is a baby eel Alex." - Theo's Response
"He who loses control - loses." - From Homicide
"The product of security and convienience is a constant." - Chris Taylor
"Working at McDonalds teaches you how to pack as much hate as you can
into the phrase 'Have a nice day.'" - Sue Cargill
"This web project is the most self-indulgent, egotistical thing I have
ever done in my life. But the day is young. I can top it." - Scott Adams
"I'll kick your butt up so high you'll look like a hunchback."
- Delores Claiborne
"To round out this virtual experience I recommend removing one of your
socks and using it as a hand puppet. Hold the puppet up to one ear and
have it say things like "This one's really funny!" followed by a loud
maniacal laugh. (But sometimes, just for realism, have the sock say "I
don't get it" in a soft whiney voice.)" - Dilbert Homepage
"... before it makes the dielectric go poof, and create a yellow/brown
acrid smoke which is not good." - Prof. Demetry
"I'm Bond ... Covalent Bond." - Farside Cartoon
"George: Are you there?
Theo : No, I took myself out for a night of dinner and dancing, and if I'm
really lucky, I'll get to sleep with myself tonight."
"... until this thing blows up, or yells 'stop', or says Uncle or
something..." - Prof. Demetry
"... charges of the negative persuasion ..." - Prof. Demetry
"I can shoot the manager while I'm at it ... kind of like a bonus."
- Shawshank Redemption
"D: We have this new computer, got it in today. Pentium 100.
T: That's not too fast.
D: Not too fast?
T: I have a P120.
D: A P120? Fuck you." - Guy at Radio Shack and Theo
"With multitasking, you can get more things done at once. It's not a
miracle. It's Windows 95." - Windows '95 Demo
"Like we didn't multitasking before Windows 95... Funny, I've been
doing 32-bit preemptive multitasking since last year using Linux... hmmm,
funny..." - Theo's Response
"... Lieutenant Flipper ..." - Colon Powell
"Lieutenant Flipper ...? Isn't he in the Navy?" - Theo's Response
"I wonder if they'd use a cow as a heat shield for a space rocket... Make it
kind of like a barbeque... They can land in the ocean, get out, and have
some hamburgers... They can mingle and wait for the Navy to arrive..." - Theo
"IUD is the newest networking protocol." - Matt's Father
"... and on that side you have a 50kg kid, and that's a pretty good sized
kid..." - Prof. Farr
"Where's Roxanne? Not here today... She might have a lab... Those poor
Calc. 2 kids ..." - Prof. Farr
"Well, it's a multiple of 1 ..." - John West
"I hear you collect plants. So does my wife." - Napoleon
"There once was this drunk person who was at a party. He went up to
the host of the party and asked him a question: "Excuse me sir, but I
need to know: Do lemons whistle?" The host replied "No they don't,
why?" The drunk person then responded by saying "Then I'm terribly
sorry, but I squeezed your canary into my drink."
- Simplified version of a James Burke joke
"Italy is a disease for which there luckily is no cure." - James Burke
"I don't like rap because I'm stuffy and british." - James Burke
"The best thing that came out of Italy is the road to the south." - James Burke
"The police have a work order to help clear out the alumni at
midnight. Plant Services has a work order to completely wash the
floor and air it out before the Board of Directors meeting tomorrow
morning." - Greg Marr
"He used to ... do things for them, sir." - Monty Python
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From the 'readmsg' man page:
Suppose you have the mail file;
From joe Jun 3 1986 4:45:30 MST
Subject: hello
Hey Guy! Wanta go out and have a milk this evening?
Joe
From john Jun 3 1986 4:48:20 MST
Subject: Dinner at Eight
From: John Dinley <xyz!john>
Remember you should show up about eight, okay?
- John D -
From xxzyz!cron Jun 3 1986 5:02:43 MST
Cannot connect to server: blob
Job 43243 deleted from queue.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When all else fails, kick with lunar boot." - James Burke
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The just kinda silly section, and yet somehow ironic section:
A pig named 'porkchop' ... (from CNN Headline News)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I can't help ignorance, but I can kick it." - Matt Greenwood
"A way out of financial mess is discovered as if by magic!"
- stupid fortune cookie
"We flavor, they season ... "
- From a theatre class about torches, blood, salt and hot chocolate
"Where it's reaching thermal failure, otherwise known as becoming toast."
- Prof. Demetry
"We're not comfortable with units, so everything scales to 1." - Prof. Farr
"See, that's the advantage of running OS/2 ... Viruses don't support it."
- Theo talking to Rob
"T:... and I suppose we'll have to make a crayon laser printer... a
whole 4dpi... prints in 64 colors!
A:... or how about the etch-a-sketch printer...?
M:Hey, this isn't what we wanted <shake shake shake>...
A:Microsoft: Practical Business Solutions - We stay in between the lines!"
- Alan, Matt, Pete and myself talking about the new crayon laser
printer from the makers of Hamilton'95
"How do actors practice when they're not in a show?" - Prof. O'Donnell
"Talk to their cats as different characters?" - Theo's Response
"A bride must be carried over this, but a vampire must be invited into
it." - Jeopardy Answer
"What is a Supermarket Spacer, Alex?" - Theo's Response
"They use the van for good things in suck-them (soccomm) huh?"
- More Booth Banter
"Oh Jebidiah, Oh Jebidiah. Oh, Plow my Field... Do me buggy style."
"Put the bonnet on it." - Comic talking about Amish Sex
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quotes from the 11th Hour:
"Was there a lot of inbreeding in your family, stupid?"
"Is there a frontal lobotamy required for this job?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"She is nosferatu.
She's Italian?" - From Dracula: Dead & Loving It
"... and you can dress in black and feel all theatery ..." - Prof. O'Donnell
"I want a constant named after me!" - Prof. O'Donnell
"As a little girl, she was a ho, I'll grant you that ..." - Prof. O'Donnell
"... I once had one with a condom in it. Here's hoping that dome doesn't
leak." - CNN about snow domes
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A poem I've been working on:
if you're happy and you know it eat some spam.
if your arteries aren't congested have some ham.
if you're happy and you know it and your cholesterol isn't bloated have some
ham and eggs and bacon while you can.
if you're going on a trip, have a plan.
it's really hot in denmark, bring a fan.
if you think that you might visit those big pyramids in egypt, you should
grab a camel and move out.
(yes, the ending needs help, I know...)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Of all your leading ladies, who was the best kisser? Uhh, Chewbacca."
- Harrison Ford on the Tonight Show
"There are more ways to reduce friction in metals then there were
release dates for Windows 95." - Quantum on TLC
"Phenomenal Cosmic Powers, Itty Little Living Space." - Aladdin
"... but I got high score on terminator." - Prof. O'Donnell
"... he's gay, he's gotta be gay... look at his boyfriend." - Prof. O'Donnell
"Doesn't take long to get it up that high, does it?"
- A person at Borders media store
"As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell."
- Unknown
"See, you've got three big ones, and two little ones."
- A Guy at a computer show talking about drive bays
"Come on, it's Springer ... It's the thunderdome for Chicklet brains."
- Dennis Miller
"There are a bunch of people with pens in their pockets who can't get
laid, so they're typing in their answers." - Dennis Miller
"Everyone looks like they're wearing the game board from Sorry."
- Dennis Miller
"And that dress she's wearing ... I wasn't aware that home appolstery
fabric was sold for human apparel." - Dennis Miller
"Back to you thesaurus boy." - Bill Maher
"How did you know my family nickname was clitoris boy?" - Dennis Miller
"Yeah, everybody trusts the cops since they went after Rodney like a
pinata." - Dennis Miller
"I'm doing good work here, forget my tits." - Dennis Miller
"Johnie Cochran abused Ito like a substitute teacher." - Dennis Miller
"I have the vision, and I'd like to share it with you before the peyote
wears off." - Bill Maher
"... for the first time in years our troops will have to have sex with
white hookers." - Bill Maher
"In the year 2000, medical research will be so advanced that the Ebola
virus will be used as a crunchy desert topping."
- Late Night with Conan O'Brian
"I hope to get a job out of it. I can put on my resume that I know UNIX."
- Linus Torvalds
"M: See, there's one problem with UNIX, it doesn't do random.
T: Yes it does, just srand the process ID OR time, it's decent from then
on.
M: I tried that, but srand only returns a 1 or a 0. That's not random.
T: Did you try the random function Matt?
M: There's a random function? I just used srand.
T: srand seeds the function. You have to use rand to do random numbers.
M: Oh." - Matt's Award of the Day
"Hell No, we won't Blow!" - The Prostitute Strike Protest Chant
"Since when did the amish give tongue?!?!" - The Drew Carey Show
"Oh honey, that's ok.
What? Oh, No, no... You just rolled over my juice box.
Ah, Thank god." - "Friends"
"Now please floppy from your first drive and insert the boot floppy."
- Red Hat Installation for Linux
"As you grow older in your observation of the peoples of this Earth
world, it becomes more noticeable that stupidity is the reigning
virtue. The masses are always willing that somebody take the
responsibility of caring for them." - Paul Twitchell
"Outside of traffic, there is nothing that has held this country back
as much as committees." - Will Rodgers
"Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride
worthwhile." - Franklin P. Jones
"There are two sides to every story...at least." - Ann Landers
"The very essence of leadership is that you have to have a vision. You
can't blow an uncertain trumpet." - Theodore Hesburgh
"Don't worry about the world ending today....it's already tomorrow in
Australia." - Charles M. Schulz
"A committee is a life form with 6 or more legs and no brain."
- Robert Heinlein
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons." - Woody Allen
"Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive
evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers
"You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do." - Henry Ford
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attitude Check (It's a theatre thing...):
-----------------------------------------
Attitude Check! "Fuck you!"
Positive Attitude Check! "Positively Fuck You!"
LNL Attitude Check! "Lick Me!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You may be sorry that you spoke, sorry you stayed or went, sorry you
won or lost, sorry so much was spent. But as you go through life,
you'll find - you're never sorry you were kind."
- Herbert V. Prochnow and Herbert V. Prochnow, Jr.
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers." - Unknown
"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again." - Unknown
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I
repeat myself." - Mark Twain
"M: Betweeen Greg and Amy, they've held nearly every position.
T: In more ways than one Michelle, in more ways than one..."
- Theo and Michelle
"Your next question is 'How does this gate work?' I don't know. I
don't have to know, I'm not an Electrical Engineer, I'm a Computer
Scientist." - Prof. Hamel
"The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
program, should the value of pi change."
- from a Fortran manual for Xerox computers
"First learn computer science and all the theory. Next develop a
programming style. Then forget all that and just hack."
- George Carrette
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Interesting Quotes from the LnL Exec Dinner:
"It's a chicken finger device." - Theo, looking at entree
"I use a program called Eudora." - Matt
"<Ugh>" - everyone else
"Hey, stop jerking off!" - Jon
"If you can eat DAKA, you can eat that."
- Tom talking to Rob about his dinner selection
"I've got too much blood in my alcohol stream." - Jon
"My tummy hurts, and it's Craig's fault." - Amy
"Rob, you wanted passion? Well, I'm here to deliver." - MGreg
"That's like Monopoly, and he's the banker."
- Theo on the new secretary paying the bill
Not from the dinner, but from one of the car rides home:
"It's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." - Jon
"I'm sorry, this piece still has a bit of penguin on it."
- Theo explaining what dirty ice is.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Matt: Yeah, I'm fucking happy.
Theo: What about sneezy and doc?" - Theo and Matt at the vending machine
"M: Would anybody like some wine?
W: What flavors do you have?
M: You mean besides grape?
W: Oh, ok." - Dream On
"Have we had the chance to play with a blow torch Nikki?" - Mr. Wizard
"M:Why aren't they wearing any clothes?
T:Because they're naked?" - Matt and Theo talking about a News Story
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fun things you'll never see:
o Grunge Origami (Japanese paper-folding to hardcore grunge music)
o The all-fish version of Braveheart (instead of maces, etc., all
weapons are a type of fish. Mel Gibson goes galloping along on a
horse, wielding a trout... 'Oh no, look out for the halibut!')
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"What limits how fast you type?" - Prof. Brown
"Ten Fingers?" - Steve Richardson
"Finding things in my notes is like archaeology: you never know what
will turn up and you have to dust everything off." - Peter Sagerson
"... so people can't look up your skirt I guess... Not that I wear
one..." - Prof. Brown about "Modesty Skirts".
"We're 3 days in, and already you're asking for less work ... OK,
noted and ignored." - Prof. Brown
"Knobs? ... Keep it clean." - Prof. Brown talking about faucets
"You guys are extremely inert today." - Prof. Brown
"Who in here has a car that talks to you? <wait for 1 person> You
have too much money don't you?" - Prof. Brown
"A handing out orgy..." - Prof. Brown
4. If all you did this year was sit in your cubicle and masturbate, dress
it up with the latest buzzwords. Say you're a self-starter who proactively
reengineered your personal inventory with Total Quality, conforming to all
EEO, OSHA, and ISO 9000 requirements. Stress your commitment to continue
this good work into the next fiscal year.
- From "The Dilbert Principle"
Marketing Professional's Motto: "We're not screwing the customers,
all we're doing is holding them down while the sales people screw
them." - From "The Dilbert Principle"
"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes, art is knowing which
ones to keep." - Scott Adams
"... And weren't we thankful that the aliens were Mac compatible?"
- Bill Maher talking about ID4
"Guys don't like girls with bigger winkies..." - Maryellen Hooper
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Biggest lie of all: (from an interview with Bill Gates)
"No! There are no significant bugs in our released software that any
significant number of users want fixed." - Bill Gates
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Come on Marc, let's call the help desk and ask for some information about
recompilng /dev/null ... I mean, I want it dynamically linked..."
- Theo talking to Marc Behr
"The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
be one of the facts that needs altering." - Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things we've learned from Bill Gates (not a joke):
Bug reports are statistically, therefore actually, unimportant
If you want a bug fixed, you are (by definition) in the minority
Microsoft doesn't fix bugs because bug fixes are not a significant
source of revenue
If you think you found a bug, you are wrong, because really it
only means you're incompetent
People only complain about bugs to show how cool they are, not
because bugs cause any real problems.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Minix is one of the reasons I decided microkernels are bad. VMS is the
reason I decided VMS is bad." - Linus Torvalds
"The goal of computer science is to build something that will last at
least until we're finished building it." - Unknown
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their
C programs." - Robert Firth
"A: You mean it's not due on Friday?
T: No, it's due two Mondays from now ... <slight pause>
A: Where's the remote?!?!?" - Alan and Theo about an OS1 Assignment
"I don't know if all the people in New England are repressed, but I knew
a girl from New Hampshire, now she wasn't repressed, she could do long
division with her thighs." - Joe Bob Briggs
"Losers whine about doing their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom
queen." - Sean Connery in The Rock
"Bad Guys, I say to you now: Knock off all that evil!" - The Tick
"Bill thinks having a bird crap on him is a complement to him from the
gods." - News Radio
"Don't ever make trouble here, I beat you up each time."
- From Rumble in the Bronx
"Remember: The difference between something that might go wrong and
something that can't possibly go wrong is that something that can't
possibly go wrong is impossible to fix." - Peter Sagerson
"I can't cut anyone's balls off with a trimmer now, can I?"
- From The Rock
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The best term used for technical reasons heard at WPI (in my time here):
The Pumping Lemma
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This is certainly more fun than my average day... Reading philosophy,
avoiding gang rape in the shower ..." - From The Rock
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her." - Sacha Guitry
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
- Jackie Mason
"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering." - Unknown
"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
the 'Y' becomes silent." - Unknown
"Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important." - Lisa Hoffman
"Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry
someone that you cannot live without." - Unknown
"Well ... Will you look at that ... Girl talk, and me without a uterus..."
- From Caroline in the City
"All women should be put on pedestals, just high enough for you to look up
their dress." - Steve Martin
"Shall fluoride be added to the public water supply for the intended
purpose of reducing tooth decay?"
- Town of Cape Elizabeth Voting Ballot
"As opposed to what other intended purpose?" - Theo's response
"No pixels were harmed in the making of this game." - WarCraft II
"T: Now *THAT* is a bad film.
G: Finally, a guy with some taste!"
- Some guy talking to Theo about the movie Threesome
"You know, even if I could hear them, I think it still wouldn't be English."
- Theo talking about a Pub Show Singer
"Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only
one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor." - Wernher Von Braun
"Turns out a severe caffeine deficiency and crushing deadline pressures
have conspired to render me temporarily stupid." - Larry Chin
"On the big starship of life, I think I'd be the morale officer..." - Theo
"For all those who say that Microsoft never creates anything original,
just remember that they have now invented the cross-platform virus."
- Phillip Karlsson
"... but they see buttons and arrows, and they get all excited ..."
- Instructor Heineman (rapid prototyping)
"So it's only my left hand which wants it in the button?"
- Instructor Heineman (OO Class Design)
"I could build the best piece of software, and put it in the forest, and
it wouldn't make a noise ..." - Instructor Heineman
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life." - Brooke Shields
"It's kind of like wanting to be in a band, but being a roadie ..."
- Instructor Otten
"... so that's a 5 to 10 minute diversion instead of answering your
question." - Instructor Otten
"It's not a huge rocket science thing, but it is a little bit funky ..."
- Instructor Otten
"Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for
those people who can't remember where they leave things." - Unknown
"Who's the private dick who's the sex machine for all the chicks?
Shaft!" - From the movie Shaft
"You ripped his arm off.
Yeah ... He had a spare." - From the movie Action Jackson
"You can see those things coming from around the corner; you have time to
comb your hair and shit..." - From the movie The Long Kiss Goodnight
"Yesterday you were all like 'Oh phooey, I burned the darn muffins', now,
you walk into a bar, and sailors come running out. What up with that?"
- From the movie The Long Kiss Goodnight
"Hey Lady, want some company?
No thanks, I'm saving myself to get raped."
- From the movie The Long Kiss Goodnight
"I killed the President of Paraguay with a fork ... How've you been?"
- John Cusack from the movie Grosse Pointe Blank
"Hey, if you want a father, I'll give you a spanking."
- Dan Ackroyd from the movie Grosse Pointe Blank
"In accord to UNIX philosophy, Perl gives you enough rope to hang
yourself." - Larry Wall
"Hoping the problem magically goes away by ignoring it is the 'Microsoft
approach to programming' and should never be allowed." - Linus Torvalds
"Ooohh.. 'FreeBSD is faster over loopback, when compared to Linux over the
wire.' Film at 11." - Linus Torvalds
"So, if anybody wants to have hardware sent to them: don't call me, but
instead write your own UNIX operating system. It has worked every time
for me." - Linus Torvalds
"The Motorola 6800 had an undocumented assembly opcode that earned the
mnemonic 'Halt and Catch Fire'. It was used by the factory to test the
address bus. It's harmless when the chip is hooked up to a test stand or
normal RAM, but hook it up to core memory and it really would fry."
- Unknown
"He couldn't take it ... The sex ... it was exhausting ... He's 22."
- From the movie Jeffrey
"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce
the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know
this is not true." - Robert Wilensky, University of CA
"Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the
head like this before." - Unknown
"A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform." - Unknown
"Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!" - Unknown
"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
- English Prof. at Ohio University
"What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?" - Unknown
"Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools." - Unknown
"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with
great force." - Dorothy Parker
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their
C programs." - Robert Firth
"There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We
don't believe this to be a coincidence." - Unknown
"... are you nuts? Well, yeah, I got references ..." - Prof. Michaelson
"Do you really want a computer that is completely controlled, or do you
want it to have it's own fire?" - Prof. Michaelson
"When you're done developing software, all you have are empty pizza
boxes ..." - Prof. Michaelson
"To quote Axl Rose ..." - Prof. Michaelson
"The programmer needs the machine to run long enough to destroy it."
- Prof. Michaelson
"It is our job to protect the magic smoke ..." - Prof. Michaelson
"... He looked quizically, and picked up his Coke can ..." - Prof. Michaelson
"... now a branch instruction is like bringing a case of beer to the
party ..." - Prof. Michaelson
"... and we still have yet to create a neural computer with the
sophistication of a garden slug ..." - Prof. Michaelson
"It's the same plot as the first one, only they have little teddy
bears in it." - Prof. Wittels talking about Return of the Jedi
"Software is like sex; it's better when it's free." - Linus Torvalds
"If you were foolish enough [to] go to college and major in one of the
soft arts, such as journalism, English literature or music, you might have
a bit of a shock coming. At best, those majors are excellent preparations
for jobs that involve removing wine corks and condoms from the swimming
pools of people who studied computer science. And even that is seasonal
work." - Scott Adams, Dilbert Future, p174
"With a PC, I always felt limited by the software available. On Unix, I
am limited only by my knowledge." - Peter Schoenster
"What would you say?
Don't drop the big one.
If you a monkey on a string?
Don't cut my lifeline.
If you a doggie on a chain?
Don't bite the mailman." - Dave Matthews
"I can please only one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either."
- Dave Morse (DNRC Motto suggestion)
"With a BS, you know a little about everything
With an MS, you know a lot about some things
With a PhD, you know everything about nothing" - Ralph Valentino
"Cuidado esta llamas!" - rc5proxy.llamas.net
"A college student who nearly died after a night of pledge drinking is
filled a negligence suit against the school, the frat, and the bar where
the drinking took place. Now, does anyone disagree with me when I say,
the more frat kids who die, the better?" - Bill Maher
"You have to change sendmail.cf once to be a real sysadmin. Twice, and
you're insane." - John West
"Then what does that make me?" - Greg Shapiro (paraphrased)
"You can sleep, no problem, as long as you don't snore." - Prof. Bagchi
"Does anyone not understand what the hell is going on?" - Prof. Bagchi
"That's overstating the obvious ... All mathematicians are eccentric to some
point." - Prof. Bagchi
"That's all mathematicians do. They sit in a little room, and come up with
new terminology." - Prof. Bagchi
"... and for that, a bunch of strange people sat down in a little room."
- Prof. Bagchi
"If I can not answer all the questions in less than ten minutes ... It is a
long exam." - Prof. Bagchi
"Eigenvalues and eigenvectors are actually used for something, as opposed to
most of this stuff ..." - PLA for Matricies
"Perl is your friend. Use Perl." - Randal Schwartz
"Has everybody had a cosmic breath? Ok, let's continue." - Susan Vick
"I don't give a fuck what you do, just make it look good!" - Susan Vick
"Woo! Take it off!" - Susan Vick
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
- Bob Ettinger
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span
and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a
congressman." - Bruce Baum
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over
it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid
of the body before you do the wash." - Jerry Seinfeld
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population." - David Letterman
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in
a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
have to kill you too." - Jake Johansen
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.' " - Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
learner." - Lynda Montgomery
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
- Paul Rodriguez
"Don`t knock the weather. If it didn`t change once in a while, nine out
of ten people couldn`t start a conversation." - Kim Hubbard
"We come down at 10. Then we eat ham." - Susan Vick
"I develop for Linux for a living, I used to develop for DOS. Going from
DOS to Linux is like trading a glider for an F117." - F. Sweetser
"NT is secure.... as long as you don't remove the shrink wrap." - G. Myers
"if you don't know what Unix is, get off the internet." - Catherine Skidmore
"What's the difference between the Spice Girls and a porno movie? A porno
movie has better music." - Phil Spector
"Advice is kind of like sex. It's not always good, it's not always free
and you don't always get from the person you want to get it from."
- Peter Liam Taylor
"For a while, all that stood between America and annihilation was a man with
a drinking problem." - Some program on the Learning Channel
"I'm looking for a Linux equivilant to PC Magazine." - Brian Dudek
"Unfortunately, this isn't available. Linux-centric magazines tend to
actually contain useful information." - Chris Saunderson
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon, hence the constant popularity of dogs."
- Susan Vick
"Remember: while root can do most everything, there are certain privileges
that only a partner can grant." - Telsa Gwynne
"When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows,' people just stare
at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*.'"
- Linus Torvalds
"Programming isn't so much a profession as it is an obsessive-compulsive
disorder." - Unknown
"Linux is like a Vorlon. It is incredibly powerful, gives terse,
cryptic answers and has a lot of things going on in the background."
- Unknown
"Perl is designed to make the easy jobs easy and the hard jobs possible."
- Larry Wall
"Hey, you're shaped like buddah, millions of people follow him!"
- The Drew Carey Show
"It's because I was young. When you're young, you're supposed to do
stupid things, aren't you?" - David Bishop of Kodak
"Microsoft has never been to Mars. There's a reason for this." - Art Sackett
"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
with ketchup." - Unknown
"I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. 'Please, I'll only
put it in for a minute.' What am I, a microwave?" - Berverly Mickins
"'Don't NOT follow the directions' seems unnecessary to state."
- Roger B.A. Klorese
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a
day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she
is." - Ellen DeGeneres
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." - Jeff Stilson
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal
family knew someone in the Royal family?" - Robin Williams
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.' " - Richard Jeni
"/tmp needs to be world-writeable, period. But very few things
(nothing?) legitimately need to readdir(/tmp). Except users. But,
well, screw them <verybiggrin>." - Hank Leininger
"If you aren't willing to give anything back to a project that helped
you do your own project, you're a worthless piece of $%@*."
- Linus Torvalds
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers." - Unknown
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants." - A. Whitney Brown
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn
from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent
disinclination to do so." - Douglas Adams
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
- Ashleigh Brilliant
"That vulnerability is completely theoretical." - Microsoft
"The Internet treats censorship like damage and routes around it."
- Sebastian Kuzminsky
"Linux doesn't dictate how I work, I dictate how Linux works." - Eric Crampton
"Any sufficiently perverted technology is indistinguishable from Perl."
- Unknown
"Oh, well; I'll work next week." - Peter Sagerson
"And that's the success of Windows-it's mediocre, but it's easy."
- Linus Torvalds
"I don't think Microsoft is evil in itself; I just think they make really
crappy operating systems." - Linus Torvalds
"My people -- we don't know defeat, we crush the strong and percolate the
weak." - MC Hammer
"As I always said: You can get more information with a kind word and a
two-by-four than with just a kind word." - Marcus on Babylon 5
"If you see something this big with eight legs coming towards you, let me
know. I have to kill it before it develops language skills."
- Londo on Babylon 5
"When you set out to rob a gas station, you're supposed to fill the tank
before you hold up the clerk." - Unknown
"I quit my job last week because they were going over to NT. I asked some of
the guys down testing their robots -- Hey, do you want a web browser running
on that robot? They answered, "Well, I really hadn't thought about it
before. No, no I really don't.""
- Paraphrased from unknown person at July '98 WLUG Mtg.
"I hate sitting in the smoking section when I'm not a smoker. I always feel
that there's this pressure to start." - Theo
"UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because
that would also stop you from doing clever things." - Larry Wall
"Randal can write one-liners again. Everyone is happy, and peace spreads
over the whole Earth." - Larry Wall
"If an economist can't give you his phone number, he'll give you an
estimate." - Jack Valenti
"... before engaging in a battle of wits, one must ensure that one's opponent
is armed." - Jamie Zawinkski
"I sometimes think they choose guards basaed on the bone content of their
heads." - Londo on Babylon 5
"The universe is already insane, anything else would be redundant."
- Londo on Babylon 5
"Cloning and the reprogramming of DNA is the first serious step in
becoming one with God." - Scientist G. Richard Seed
"Every use of Linux is a proper use of Linux." - John "Maddog" Hall
"In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would
have taken many men many months to equal it." - Unknown
"Is blue supposed to be soothing when I lose my data?" - Dave DeMaagd
"If you see an old notice that foo 1.0 has a bug, it may not apply to
your foo." - Trevor Johnson
"I'm happy. I'm giddy. I'm spiffy." - Michael Kearney
"I decry the current tendency to seek patents on algorithms. There are
better ways to earn a living than to prevent other people from making use of
one's contributions to computer science." - Donald E. Knuth
"lp1 on fire" - Linux kernel error message
"Oops." - Linux kernel error message
"Aiee!" - Linux kernel error message
The Five Steps of Microsoft:
1) Ignore new technology, don't take notice.
2) Notice technology, publicly ignore it, spread fud.
3) Embrace new technology.
4) MSify new technology, making it MS specific.
5) Kill competition via buyouts, illegal contracts, hiring away developers,
leverageing windows, etc.
"Captain, we're sorry... We thought you were dead.
I was -- I'm better now." - Babylon 5
"I thought you were dead.
Yeah ... I get that a lot." - From the movie "Alien: Resurrection"
"I may be bad -- but I feel good." - Army of Darkness
"Maybe, just maybe, my boys can stop them from getting the book. [pause]
Yeah, and maybe I'm a chinese jet pilot." - Army of Darkness
"So something ripped him open and ate all his insides out?
Yeah, it's just like an oreo cookie. [puzzled looks]
Without it's chocolatey goodness." - from Buffy, the Vampire Slayer
"In a perfect world, everyone would use Linux and drive a Saturn."
- Rob Naccarato
"Theo is ahead of the game compared to all of us, as he's been using Unix far
too long." - Rob Caputo
"testing? What's that? If it compiles, it is good, if it boots up it is
perfect." - Linus Torvalds
"A bug is a bug. Even if it is not a hole, it should be hunted down
and squashed, because one or more bugs can combine to become one or
more holes..." - Theo de Raadt
"I could nail your head to the table, set fire to it, and feed the charred
remains to the pak-mara. But we can't always get what we want."
- Sheridan on Babylon 5
"And 1.1.81 is officially BugFree(tm), so if you receive any bug-reports
on it, you know they are just evil lies." - Linus Torvalds
"I know it's weird, but it does make it easier to write poetry in perl. :-)"
- Larry Wall
"Microsoft - because god hates us" - Alistair Riddell
"If you think I've answered your question, then I haven't been sufficiently
vague." - R. Gary Cutbill
"When in doubt, parenthesize. At the very least it will let some
poor schmuck bounce on the % key in vi." - Larry Wall
"I can not have an aide who will not look up. You will forever be walking
into things." - Du Kat from Babylon 5
"Heart of gold, body of a hat rack." - Drew Carey Show
"What do you do then?
I touch that button and pray really really fast." - Lennier on Babylon 5
"But you have to allow a little for the desire to evangelize when you
think you have good news." - Larry Wall
"You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married and few words
in your sleep to get divorced." - From www.slashdot.org
"The one computer-language course I took was Cobol, and basically, I just
slept the whole quarter. Then, the night before the final, I read the IBM
Cobol manual, and I got the top score in the final." - Larry Wall
"Besides, I think [Slackware] sounds better than 'Microsoft,' don't you?"
- Patrick Volkerding
"As a competitor, we might be better off if they shipped it."
- Sun Microsystems's James Gosling on Windows NT 5.0
"Open Source UNIX is shaped by people who use it. Microsoft shapes NT
to respond to competitive threats." - Nicholas Petreley
"I am not Open Source, I do not want you playing with my internal organs.
Thank you." - Obelisk
"What happened? You all look like a pak-mara ate your cat."
- Ivonova on Babylon 5
"Special? Our longest phone conversation is 'Get over here.'" - Ross on ER
"Depends on how you define 'always'. :-)" - Larry Wall
"When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a
decision." - From www.slashdot.org
"The avalanche has already started; it is too late for the pebbles to vote."
- Kosh on Babylon 5
"Download. Compile. Reboot. Repeat." - From www.slashdot.org
"I spaced out on lingo." - Prof. Wills
"Three Things which a successful Systems Admin must have: "a quick wit,
quick hands, and a quick connection."" - A Modern Technical Triad
"Linus is god until *he* says otherwise." - Eric Raymond
"The Internet is like crack for smart people." - Arsenio Hall
"World domination, of course. And scantily clad females. Who cares if it's
twenty below?" - Linus Torvalds
"No one that codes for Linux is required to use the GPL. You can use
the NPL, or a BSD style liscence. You can make it closed source. You
can stand upside naked and spit into a cup. IT DOESN'T MATTER." - Unknown
"I suppose one could claim that an undocumented feature has no
semantics. :-(" - Larry Wall
"The code you never write has no bugs" - Steve Jobs
"Hanging out in a Barnes & Noble bookstore and leaning on the UNIX shelves is
always a good pastime -- you look good, and you help dust off the books."
- Vinnie Saladino
"See, you not only have to be a good coder to create a system like Linux,
you have to be a sneaky bastard too ;-)" - Linus Torvalds
"The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day
they start making vacuum cleaners." - Ernst Jan Plugge
"Interesting how the "Precomputer Times" timeline on the Microsoft site
ends in 1975, the year before MS was founded. Also interesting is the
lack of mention of Unix, oh wait, here it is, in 1750 B.C., just before
the Phonicians invented the alphabet. I guess that explains why it uses
symbols like | & > instead of words, and it probably also explains why
Unix commands have such caveman-sounding grunts, like "grep", "awk",
and "rm". :-)" - Tony Smolar
"At this point you can step away from the computer for a little while
and have a quick snack while INN compiles." - INN INSTALL file
"When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance the
spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter knob."
- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
"Those who do not archive the past are condemned to retype it!"
- Garfinkel and Spafford
"Windows 98 supports real multitasking - it can boot and crash
simultaneously." - Bernhard Rosenkraenzer
"You can stick whatever you want wherever you want to stick it so long as
what you stick it in wants to get stuck." - Daniel Klein
"The rise of NT has been important for UNIX as well. NT has helped push UNIX
into mission-critical servers. As a side effect, I have found that my UNIX
security courses are more in demand than ever before. Thank you, Microsoft."
- Rik Farrow
"I instigated Linus's first shooting expedition in a long while a few months
back (I can report that he is a steady, competent shot with a 9mm semi)."
- Eric Raymond
"Ever heard of .cshrc?
That's a city in Bosnia. Right?" - Unknown
"Well, that's more-or-less what I was saying, though obviously addition
is a little more cosmic than the bitwise operators." - Larry Wall
"No prisoner's dilemma here. Over the long term, symbiosis is more
useful than parasitism. More fun, too. Ask any mitochondria." - Larry Wall
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
- Douglas Adams
"Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
A: A canary with the super-user password." - Unknown
"I've been programming for ten years in Windows, and one year in Linux.
Guess which one I like better?" - Pat Beirnes
"What kind of birth control do the Centauri use?
Conversation." - J. Michael Straczynski
"you might be a sys admin if you see the bumper sticker 'users are losers'
and not realize it refers to drugs" - Unknown
"Unix aint perfect - but it's light years ahead of Windows NT" - Unknown
"As a computing professional, I believe it would be unethical for me
to advise, recommend, or support the use (save possibly for personal
amusement) of any product that is or depends on any Microsoft product."
- David Wolfskill
"Now that Windows NT 5.0 has been renamed Windows 2000, we should
reconsider the rumor that the number that appears after the word 'Windows'
is a minimum memory requirement in megabytes." - Craig Milo Rogers
"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a
vacuum." - Arthur C. Clarke
"In general, if you think something isn't in Perl, try it out, because it
usually is. :-)" - Larry Wall
"Many people equate the word 'daemon' with the word 'demon,' implying some
kind of Satanic connection between UNIX and the underworld." - Evi Nemeth
"MSDOS didn't get as bad as it is overnight -- it took over ten years
of careful development." - dmeggins@aix1.uottawa.ca
"Q. Why is this so clumsy?
A. The trick is to use Perl's strengths rather than its weaknesses."
- Larry Wall
"Tatung, where customer satisfaction is on our list of things to get to."
- R. Gary Cutbill
"Talent does what it can, genius what it must. I do what I get paid to do."
- Unknown from /.
"Thinking of using NT for your critical apps?
Isn't there enough suffering in the world?" - Sun Microsystems Ad
"When cryptography is outlawed, gjklj nbvmiou wtkj kd;ie4 skt klbjxdf."
- Unknown
"Egad. I'm such a chowderhead." - David Rose
"If you build something that any idiot can use, any idiot will."
- Patrick St. Jean
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein." - Joe Theismann
"Chase the dream, not the competition." - Unknown
"Microsoft says Windows 98 fixes almost 3,000 bugs, but that begs the
question of why those bugs were there in the first place." - Michael Miller
"The OSI hits! -more-
You are in a twisty maze of networking standards, all overengineered."
- Brandon Allbery
"Never go off on tangents, which are lines that intersect a curve at only
one point and were discovered by Euclid, who live in the 6th century,
which was an era dominated by the Goths, who lived in what we now know
as Poland." - Unknown from Nov. 1998 issue of Infosystems Executive.
"Holy DNS batman, you aren't on my list!" - Error message
"Al is a very busy person, as is most everyone else on helpdesk. They
might even be more busy than Microsoft engineers who have much higher
salaries, and have time for nerf gun battles and pillow fights in
the halls." - Paul English
"I hear that if you play the NT 4.0 CD backwards, you get a Satanic message!
That's nothing. If you play it forward, it installs NT 4.0!" - Matt Greenwood
"Getting a penguin to pee on demand is _messy_. We're talking yellow
spots on the walls, on the ceiling, yea verily even behind the fridge."
- Linus Torvalds
"Coffee anyone?
No thanks, one more cup and I'll jump into warp." - Capt. Janeway (ST:Voyager)
"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
for they are subtle and quick to anger." - Lord of the Rings
"Oh My God! They Killed init! You Bastards!" - Unknown
"Linux without source is like coffee without caffeine." - Brian Moore
"You are finite. Zathras is finite. This...is wrong tool."
- Zathras on Babylon 5
"Windows 98 -- Go for the bloat!" - Theo Van Dinter
"Here look after this penguin for me, oh by the way it bites" - Alan Cox
"The best diplomat is a fully charged phaser bank." - Scotty on Star Trek
"I feel so lucky that I have the right brain chemicals." - Dr. Lewis on ER
"... specially formulated so more nutrition stays in your cat." - Iams
"Perhaps you could start with something simpler, like the moral equivilent
of an opposible thumb." - G'Kar on Babylon 5
"Remember that the next time when you're using virgin RAM, as opposed
to RAM that's been touched." - Pat Beirnes
"I'm barely holding my fudge right now." - From the movie Buckaroo Bonzai
"Stupid people shouldn't breed." - From ER
"Jack- she's two. You could surprise her with a piece of old bread."
- From Just Shoot Me
"No Vir, the universe is an evil place, but at least it has a sense of
humor about the whole thing." - Londo on Babylon 5
"This is a kinder, gentler Federal Bureau of Investigation ..." - Jim Duncan
"If God is able to effect physical resurrection of the dead, it seems
unlikely the absence of a liver or a pancreas will interfere."
- Rabbi Joseph Prouser
"With Microsoft products you have to worry about the unsafe networking
practices involved. Actually everything after breaking the shrink
wrapping..." - Unknown
"You don't want me to pick out your brain surgeon. I don't want your brain
surgeon picking out my router :)" - LuftHans@asu.edu
"Even my usual 'careful' is not very careful by other peoples
standards. So when _I_ say that I wasn't very careful, you should just
assume that I was reading my email about as carefully as a hyper-active
hedgehog on some serious uppers. Can you say "ignored email" three times
quickly while chewing on an apple?" - Linus Torvalds
"Your Shopping Cart lives to serve. Give it purpose--fill it with books, CDs,
audiobooks, DVDs..." - amazon.com
"To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and
feature-poor toys." - Scott Adams
"We may not have got everything right, but at least we knew the century
was going to end." - Douglas Adams
"I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing..."
- Thomas Jefferson
"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love."
- Charlie Brown
"From what I'd seen of British TV, some shows use the word bastard like
I use a comma." - J. Michael Straczynski
"When experiment and theory conflict, experiment wins." - Tim Smith
"I'd rather get it right than get it done on Tuesday."
- J. Michael Straczynski
"If I were in the President's place, I would not get the opportunity to
resign. I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey
standing over me saying, 'How do I reload this damn thing?'" - Dick Armey
"Premature optimisation is the root of all evil." - Knuth
"Software engineering is a race between engineers who try to create
foolproof software and the universe which is trying to create bigger
fools. So far, the universe is winning..." - Michael H. Warfield
"I cannot have an aide who will not look up. You will be forever walking
into things." - Dukhat on Babylon 5
"Linux: Because a penguin makes a better mascot than Satan." - Unknown
"...and that's why I suggest putting your IP router in a suppository
configuration" - Alice (Dilbert 1/8/1999)
"... advise the users that although it can help, they are known problems ..."
- Stanislav Meduna
"Redmond - Microsoft corp. announced this weekend that they will be
re-organizing into four functionally distinct divisions: Lying, Cheating,
Stealing, and Crashing. Wall Street analysts agree that this change will
better enable MSFT to achieve its strategic goals." - Unknown
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you,
then you win." - Gandhi
"The question is to what extent parasites like Microsoft should be parasites
off the public system, or should be granted any rights at all."
- Noam Chomsky
"Where's the ladies' sty? I desperately need to powder my snout."
- Wally's Elbonian Mail-Order Bride
"Strange as it may seem, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and
formal education positively fortifies it." - Stephen Vizinczey
"You'll notice Linux 1.2 for example doesn't reflect 2Gig machines with
multiple RAID controllers. The typical home hacker doesn't generally
possess these. Instead we have the coffee-machine interfacing mini-HOWTO."
- Alan Cox
"They won't run unix, but look on the bright side, they won't run
Windows either." - Martha Driscoll talking about 286s
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to
the town gossip." - Will Rogers
"Hey Ho! What's this? You've found my bunny!" - aprentic@retina.min.net
"How should I know if it works? That's what beta testers are for.
I only coded it." - Linus Torvalds
"If you consistently take an antagonistic approach, however, people are
going to start thinking you're from New York. :-)"
- Larry Wall to Dan Bernstein
"Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than
90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body
being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a
soggy, gooey bread-pudding person." - http://www.geoffmetcalf.com/bread.html
"I'm here with the two symbols of the republican party -- an elephant, and a
big fat white guy who's threatened by change." - Peter Griffin, Family Guy
"If you're choking someone, and you remove your hand, you're going to get
punched in the face." - Hal Stern
"Cut the [network] line to your bathroom ... life will be good again."
- Hal Stern
"I'm not allowed to go to Home Depot anymore because I once made the mistake
of trying to build a deck." - Hal Stern
"I didn't know Allman was a stand-up comedian ..."
- Theo about laughter from sendmail tutorial
"For just $19.95 a month, you too can test your applications over the
Internet." - Hal Stern about AOL
"If you're running the latest version of IIS, then you're not vulnerable to
this [security hole], but you're vulnerable to something new." - Phil Cox
"Having a firewall that allows NFS to the Internet is like having a seat belt
that lets your head touch the dashboard." - Marcus Ranum
"You can tell that I got this out from the newspaper because it looks like I
cut it out with a spatula." - Jim Duncan
"I can explain why UNIX does what it does. However, I can't explain why NT
does what it does." - Rik Farrow
"How to heat turkey: Put turkey in oven @ 350 degrees until hot."
- Supermarket turkey cooking instructions
"I sometimes think that they hire guards based on the bone content in their
heads." - Londo on Babylon 5
"Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with
confidence." - Sinclair on Babylon 5
"I'll have to be careful when I walk past that thing ... It'll blow the rest
of my hair off." - Isadore Katz
"Vir, it is a terrible truth, but as one accumulates power, one loses
friends. One only has those who wish to use you, and those you wish to use."
- Londo on Babylon 5
"Shooting an automatic weapon is like having a multiple orgasm." - Victor Chao
"Do you know how to use that thing?
Yes ... The pointy end goes into the other man."
- From the movie "The Mask of Zorro"
"Stop stealing my blanket. You're an arctic wolf for god sakes. You're
getting soft." - Due South
"Hey birthday dude -- want some ice cream?
Yes. But no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you."
- Family Guy
"So broccoli, mother says you're very good for me. Well, I'm afraid I'm
no good for you! The first rule of war is know thine enemy and I know
this -- cold kills broccoli! It's so simple. All I need to do is build
a machine to control the global environment. Forecast for tomorrow:
a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!"
- Stewie on Family Guy
"Hey barkeep! Who's leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini
around here?" - Family Guy
"Excellent! The weather machine is nearly completed. What do you say
to that broccoli?" - Stewie on Family Guy
"They have this game where you put in a dollar and you get four quarters! I
win every time!" - Family Guy
"The only way you'll get me to talk is through slow painful torture, and I
don't think you've got the grapes." - Stewie on Family Guy
"I wouldnt trust NT to feed my cat." - Unknown poster on Slashdot
"I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was
needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as
needy, I was deprived. Then they told me deprived was a bad image, I
was underprivileged. Then they told me underprivileged was overused,
I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I sure have a
great vocabulary." - Jules Feiffer
"> I'm an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find..
We need to find some new terms to describe the rest of us mere mortals
then." - Craig Schlenter in response to Linus Torvalds about a kernel bug.
"The technicians are there in case there is a real problem that needs to
be fixed, the managers are there to make sure that the technicians are
not surfing the net for Y2k party webcams, the top executives are there
to answer any questions pesky reporters might ask, the lawyers are there
to tell the top executives what they can say to the pesky reporters,
and the PR people are there in case anyone needs coffee."
- From Duh-2000.com (entry for contest 11)
"It's the ego trip of the century to write your own operating
system. Highly recommended, two thumbs up!" - Linus Torvalds
"Clean code is an art, fortunately an art Linus in paticular seems to excel
at." - Alan Cox
"Thinking hard can lead to social problems, such as chess." - Dogbert
"I'd rather work on a OS made by programmers needing marketing, than a OS
made by marketing needing programmers." - Unknown
"It doesn't run on an open source platform, therefore it, by definition,
does not matter." - James Lewis
"Windows and MacOS are products, contrived by engineers in the service of
specific companies. Unix, by contrast, is not so much a product as it is a
painstakingly compiled oral history of the hacker subculture." - N. Stephenson
"Your ancestors died to give you the freedom to say anything you like,
and the first word out of your mouth is "fuck". Frankly, I'm disappointed."
- Unknown
"NT is far less mature than the Unix family, of which Linux is a
member. M$ foolishly ignored 30 years of research and accumulated
wisdom. As a result, they've been repeating all the old mistakes."
- Unknown user on /.
"Linux isn't an optimal OS. There are places that it is the best
one out there, and other places where it does poorly. Like every OS,
however, it evolves. Its openness simply lets it evolve faster than the
competition. Per Darwin, evolve or die." - Remande on /.
"You are confusing seriousness with excellence. You can pretend to be
serious; you can't pretend to be intelligent. This is a common error
among the technically unproficient." - "The Welcome Rain" on /.
"If Linux is really to gain "world domination" making sure that NT's
strengths are Linux's strengths as well as making sure that NT's
weaknesses are Linux's strengths is required." - Paul Flinders
"I guess the reason I get frustrated with NT is because I know it could
be better than it is, but feel that it never will be." - John Fulmer
"When it comes to defense, redundancy is the minimum." - Michael Warfield
"Linux is not beautiful. Because power means rawness. And its up to the
user to paint it. When he gets there don't get scared. Everyone has a
Picasso inside." - Unknown user from /.
"Isn't the phrase 'spicy hot wings' a bit redundant?" - Theo
"The user's computer downloads the ActiveX code and simulates a 'Blue
Screen' crash, a generally benign event most users are familiar with
and that would not necessarily arouse suspicions."
-- Security exploit description on http://www.zks.net/p3/how.asp
"I just love getting wild puzzled stares when I mention that I'm using a
computer that isn't physically in front of me..." - Michelle Vadeboncoeur
"That's why I don't like video's - no commercial to read through."
- Robert Gombert
"a company that treats its workers like people is a company that retains
its workers." - tip@enteract.com
"The random quantum fluctuations of my brain are historical accidents that
happen to have decided that the concepts of dynamic scoping and lexical
scoping are orthogonal and should remain that way." - Larry Wall
"Hey, sometimes reinventing the wheel is a good thing. Ever tried
driving on wheels from 3500 BC? :)" - Mirian Crzig Lennox
"Remember the Unix philosophy: it's better to have two tools, each good
at one thing, than one tool that is mediocre at two things..."
- H. Peter Anvin
"If users are made to understand that the system administrator's job is to
make computers run, and not to make them happy, they can, in fact, be made
happy most of the time. If users are allowed to believe that the system
administrator's job is to make them happy, they can, in fact, never be made
happy."
-Paul Evans (as quoted by Barb Dijker in "Managing Support Staff", LISA '97)
"I'm a programmer: I don't buy software, I write it." - Tom Christiansen
Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to
take effect. Reboot now? [ OK ]
"The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a
dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first." - Arno Schaefer's .sig
"Given enough time and money, Microsoft will eventually 'invent' Unix.
no chance. they only have a finite number of monkeys." - Thomas Lakofski
"If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result
of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every
victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the
enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle." - Sun Tzu
"From what I've seen and heard, Texas is an unrepentant meat-lovers
paradise. Any place that worships the almighty beef can't be *all*
that bad, can it...?" - Michael Steeves
"sendmail is a big cloud of murky sysadmin magic ... I'm still an
apprentice." - Theo
"My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium
with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a
15-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would
womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented
the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the
sort of general malaise that only the genius posses and the insane lament.
My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring,
we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag
and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. At the age of 12, I
received my first scribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastraian named Vilma
ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn
scrotum. It's breathtaking, I suggest you try it."
- Dr. Evil, from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush (Gov. of Texas)
"IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use." - Andrew Tannenbaum
"It's not you Bernie. I guess I'm just not used to being chased around
a mall at night by killer robots." - Linda from the movie "Chopping Mall"
First Law of System Requirements:
"Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about..."
"Well, we're safe for now. Thank goodness we're in a bowling alley."
- From the movie Pleasantville
"Why is there only one quote? Because the whiteboard doesn't do syntax
checking." - Prof. Finkel
"This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting." - Unknown
"Sarcasm is just one more service we offer." - Unknown
"If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cats." - Unknown
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?
"Windows 95 is the only true Operating System -- it does whatever it wants.
All others should be called Co-Operating Systems." - Unknown
"The weaknesses and the strengths of computer networking derive from the same
feature: it is easy to send messages to anyone who has access to the
network." - Donald A. Norman, The Trouble with Networks (Datamation 1/1982)
"Bah! Stop fiddling about with things you don't understand!"
- Q in the movie "License to Kill"
"Of course my password is the same as my pet's name.
My cat's name was Q47pY!3, but I change it every 90 days." - Roddy Vagg
"Argh! All right, so how am I supposed to work with Linux when
everything's already been done?! Can't these people leave some broken
MSDOS like parts so there's problems left to solve!?...." - Arjan Filius
"There's nothing wrong with [Microsoft] systems until Back Orifice
is installed. ..."
- Jason Garms, product manager for NT security at Microsoft
"A security hole isn't a security hole until someone exploits it?"
- Jeff Moyer
"Servers Break. Users complain. Life goes On." - Jesse Brown
"I don't want to go back to using Windows... It may be pretty, and easy, but
it has no depth or soul. It's like the one-night stand of operating systems.
You feel cheap after using it." - From User Friendly, 07/26/1999
"When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts,'
and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?" - Unknown
"When you use this code in your programs, be sure that make_new_child never
returns. If it does, the child will return, become a parent, and spawn off
its own children. Your system will fill up with processes, your system
administrator will storm down the hallway to find you, and you may end up
tied to four horses wonder why you hadn't paid more attention to this
paragraph." - From the "Perl Cookbook", p. 628
"A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamt by its
author." - Stephen C. Johnson
"A few days ago, I ordered a large vanilla milkshake from the drive-thru
of a fast-food restaurant. The Induhvidual taking my order asked,
'Would you like any thing to drink with that?' Thinking that this was a
good opportunity to poke fun, I said, 'Yeah, a large vanilla milkshake.'
When I pulled up to the window, I was given two large vanilla milkshakes."
- Tales of DNRC members, Dilbert Newsletter 25
"HR people are generally capable of producing swank holiday parties and
finding a dentist in your HMO group, but don't count on them to help you find
a job." - David Clark
"Even if our accounting software stops working on January 3, 2000,
you can count on us finding a way to bill you for whatever you bought
from us prior to Armageddon. Even if we have to write your invoice on
the back of bubble gum wrappers, we're going to bill you. This is the
promise our lawyers made to us and it's the same promise we're going
to make to you. It's the only thing we're going to guarantee you-but at
least we're guaranteeing something." - Hart Scientific Unofficial Y2K Statement
"And the No. 1 response that you'll need to memorize if you plan to bet
your business on Windows 2000: 'You want fries with that?'"
- Nicholas Petreley
"And just what is "UNIX' single point of failure," anyway?" Should we infer
then that Windows is better because it offers multiple points of failure?"
- David Wollmann from Linux Today
"When you're having a bad day and it seems like people are trying your
patience to no end, remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull
the trigger on a decent sniper rifle." - Erik Fichtner
"There are two kinds of security: the one that will keep your sister out,
and the one that will keep the Government out." - Bruce Schneier
"If you want to waste food, throw a vegetable." - The Drew Carey Show
"The distributions may be developed that way, but to get into the mainline
kernel you have to go through the pope." - David Parsons
"Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' -
and they ALWAYS WIN THEM." - Klingon Programmer's Manual
"Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it!
Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"
- Klingon Programmer's Manual
"One should admire Windows users. It takes a great deal of courage to
trust Windows with your data." - Unknown
"I can restrain myself from killing people." - Unknown (SAGE Life of an Admin)
"Never underestimate someone trying to help you."
- Unknown (SAGE Life of an Admin)
"With a name like 'Theo', shouldn't you be running OpenBSD? "
- Unknown person at Collective Technologies
"Today I set a motherboard on fire. Now the bizarre thing is that after
the smoke cleared it still worked." - Alan Cox
"L'etat ... C'est moo." - Unknown
"BABYLON 5! A five-mile long cement mixer of truth, pouring out the
Concrete of Nice-Nice in a long, grey ribbon into the future, to form a
***SIDE WALK OF JUSTICE!!***" - The Tick on Babylon 5
"The more I study religion, the more I become convinced that man has
never worshiped anything except himself." - Sir Richard Burton
"Anyone know of a buffer cleaning program for Linux?
Netscape! (from the back of the room)" - Aeleen Frisch at LISA '99
"People who have more power than you do are hard to subvert easily."
- Elizabeth Zwicky at LISA '99
"To teach responsibility you must give responsibility."
- Geoff Halprin at LISA '99 (quoting from unknown source)
"Low probability events do happen, which is why people still play the lottery."
- Elizabeth Zwicky at LISA '99
"I couldn't NT my way out of a wet paper bag." - Unknown at LISA '99
"That thing [the space shuttle] has the glide slope of a brick."
- Joe Ruga at LISA '99
"I have not put in a single line of code into BIND 9. And I hope that's
not why it's a thing of beauty." - Paul Vixie at LISA '99
"Perl appeals to the other side of your brain, whether that's associate,
artistic, passionate, or merely spongy." - Programming Perl
"If you'