In case you're wondering just what the heck my plan file is, before you start reading it, here's the basics... In my plan file I'm collecting anything I find relatively interesting, funny, or enjoyable. I have many quotes, interesting "quips and quibbles", comedy routines, song lyrics, philosophical things to think about, etc...
BTW: I've decided to take out a whole bunch of sections (song lyrics, etc.) for various reasons. Quotes are about all I want in here now.
"Anger is a weapon only to one's opponent." - The Frantics
"M: Can anyone tell us the lesson that has been learned here?
S: Yes Master, not a single one of us could defeat you.
M: You gain wisdom child ... " - The Frantics
"I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body." - W. Smith
"My mind is like one big playground." - Theo
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From "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy":
Ode to a small lump of green putty I found in my armpit one Midsummers'
Morning: (by Grunthos, the flatulent)
Putty, Putty, Putty. Green Putty, Grutty Peen. Grarn Pitutty - Morning!
Pridsummer - Grorning utty. Discovery ... oh! Putty? Armpit?
Armpit ... Putty.
Not even a particularly nice shade of green.
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"I want to live forever, or die trying." - Me
"I want to rule the world by distributing SPAM to needy families, and
turning them into mind-controlled mutants who take over DAKA restaurants
and lunch services until I rule all of creation, AND downtown Worcester."
- Me
"The Beatles used more hair products then Jesus." - Rusty McGee
"The way of the warrior is one of peace interrupted by an occasional
unavoidable ass-kicking." - unknown
"This message comes to you in Spanish where translatable." - Theo
"Go that way really fast... If something gets in your way ... turn."
- From the movie Better Off Dead
"I work out at the He's Dead Gym." - unknown
"For by your words you shall be justified, and by your words you shall be
condemned." - Matthew 12:37
"Does skim milk come from skim cows?" - W. Smith
"you really enjoy Acapulco music ...? " - Slight misquote from Theo
"He's the sort of man people emigrate to avoid." - Rowan Atkinson
"Disk storage does not only come in 3.5-or-5.25-inch squares. A third
type of storage medium-the CD-ROM-is spherical." - PC Novice
"He's a freak of nature, but we love him so ..." - Red Hot Chili Peppers
"Matt to Lower Intestine ... Matt to Lower Intestine ... Please pick up
white courtesy phone." - Theo to Matt
"... this shit right here: Kraft Macaroni and Cheese ... still 38 cents
a metric ton... Can't beat it with a stick as far as I'm concerned."
- Richard Jeni
"I goto South Carolina's Regional Environmental Weather University ...
think about it." - Theo
Basic conclusions of The "O"'s last few Ethics papers:
Human Rights = An Eating Disorder
Sexual Harassment has two forms: Verbal and Physics.
Mohr is less.
"Derive the Big Bang Theory from F=ma." - Michelle about her Physics class
"6+2=8. Now describe why." - Joe about his Calculus class
"Hamsters .. Aisle 3 ... Duct-Tape .. Aisle 4 ... Clean-Up .. Aisle 3.5 ..."
- Discussion between Theo and Matt
"... and what are you? I'm an otter. and what do you do? I swim around
on my back and do cute little human things with my hands." - Denis Leary
"Good point. Exec board meetings are always ALWAYS (except when they're
not, and we'll tell you) Mondays at 5PM in Beckett conference room."
- Amy Plack
"Contemporary Rock music is based upon a 4:4 time scale with a repeating
rhythm section. Rap music on the other hand, is based upon the screeching
noise of a car quickly applying it brakes while heading towards a Mack
Truck, with the driver making strange 'Bloop, Bloop' noises."
- Discussion between Matt and Theo
"How to knock yourself out: Take a large herring, make contact with back
of head. Repeat if necessary." - Theo
"Dyslexics have more fnu." - unknown
"Son, do you think your friend Julio would like to carve ... ? "
- Ad from Out Magazine
"A force is a force, of course, of course, means acceleration is
different of course ... " - Theo
"Dear to the hearts of sailors and other people ... " - Prof. Hilsinger
"TVD: Hey ... At least they're not feeding the dog in this one...
Amy: And they don't have any forks either..."
- Discussion about the movie Heaven & Hell
"DOS ... How quaint." - Theo
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Unified Field Theory
In the beginning there was Aristotle, and all things at rest remained at
rest, and all things in motion tended to come to rest, and God saw that
it was boring.
So God created Newton, and all things at rest remained at rest, and all
things in motion remained in motion, and energy was conserved, and
momentum was conserved, and matter was conserved, and God saw that it was
conservative.
Then God created Einstein, and all things became relative. There were
inertial frames. Everything was generally relative, but some things were
especially relative.
Then God created Bohr, and there was the principle, and the principle was
quantum, and all things were relative, and God saw that it was confusing.
And God was going to create Furgeson, and Furgeson would have fielded a
theory, and the theory would have unified all things, and all would have
been one. But God rested on the seventh day, and things at rest tend to
remain at rest.
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"Screens are sometimes called displays because they display stuff ... "
- UNIX for Dummies
"So Lone Star ... Now you see that evil will always triumph because good is
dumb." - Space Balls
"It's not that we're afraid ... Far from it ... It's just that we have
this thing about death ... it's not us." - Space Balls
"It's a good cause... Cause it's good...?" - Hardcore TV
5:15 on the 23rd of November, 1963 ... An Unearthly Child ...
"Where as John was much more holmsian, wasn't he... from a very grand and
uhh... and he's so shockingly recognized, wasn't he? He's rather like a
tall light bulb, isn't he?" - Tom Baker
"... and what do we have on this thing ..? a cuisinart?" - Space Balls
"If you can read this, you don't need glasses." - Space Balls
"The adult film industry is like a big family... a big, scary, inbred
family." - Hardcore TV
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Space Balls-
H: What's the matter with this thing? What's all that churning and
bubbling? You call that a radar screen?
S: No sir. We call it ... <slap> ... Mr. Coffee.
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"I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate." - Space Balls
"I am NOT a computer geek! ... I just spend too much time in front of the
computer." - Theo
"Today is going to be one of those days, isn't it? Wait a minute... It's
4pm... It *IS* one of those days..." - Theo
"What's your sign? Neon." - T-Bone
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[The Penultimate Supper]
P: Now I commissioned a last supper from you, and a last supper I want ...
M: Yeah, but look ...
P: With 12 Disciples and 1 Christ.
M: ONE?!?
P: Yes 1. Now will you please tell me what in God's name possessed you
to paint this with 3 Christs in it?
M: It works mate!
P: It does not work!
M: It does, It looks great! The fat one balances the 2 skinny ones...
P: There was only 1 savior.
M: Well I know that, everyone knows that... but what about a little
artistic license?
P: 1 REDEEMER!
M: I'll tell you what you want mate ... you want a bloody photographer
... not a creative artist with some imagination.
P: I'll tell you what I want ... I want a last supper, with 1 Christ, 12
Disciples, no kangaroos by Thursday lunch, or you don't get paid.
M: BLOODY FASCIST!
P: Look ... I'm the bloody Pope! I may not know much about art ... but I
know what I like...
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"Fractions are like popcorn ... white and fluffy ..." - Prof. Branche
"dy/dx = dy/du * du/dv * dv/dx ... Have some fun!" - Prof. Branche
"J: Do YOU know who the Spin Doctors are?
P: Maybe your mother does..." - John West and a Pizza Delivery Guy
"I did it the old fashioned way... I begged." - Wolf
"You've been sleeping all day you dope ... Are you ok? -- How do you feel?
I feel ... Good." - Wolf
"You have a tiny little mind, and I'll play with it as much as I want."
- Derek
"Is any of this true? Not yet. You're my god." - Wolf
"What is it about a full moon? More light..." - Wolf
"We don't make mistakes ... We just have happy little accidents."
- The Joy of Bikini Waxing (HardCore TV)
"I'm not making any money with my Liberal Arts degree..."
- Peter Mulvey
"We study the way to protect rather than destroy. Avoid rather than check;
check rather than hurt; hurt rather than maim; maim rather than kill; for
all life is precious, nor can any be replaced" - Shaolin code
"Hey... the LNL ladder's paint shelf can hold a full-range!"
- From a LNL meeting...
"SOMA - Where we turn them into pretzels and other various pastries ...
Insert straw and enjoy!" - Alan
"M: That was the night of the earthquake.
N: Oh, so the Earth moved, did it?
T: Not in that way..."
- Michelle, Noah, and myself talking about a movie fest
"T: Michelle, have you seen 'The Godfather?'
M: No.
T: Good, neither have I." - Michelle and Theo
"It is sometimes fun to scare people... Especially Matt." - Michelle
To the tune of "The Brady Bunch Theme":
"Here's a story, of a drunken roommate,
Who came in after a very long party.
He was wasted, out of his mind,
Like he was all the time..." - From the night of the great honking
"Theo in Greek = God
Michelle in Hebrew = Who is like God" - Little interesting Quibble.
"But these go to 11..." - Spinal Tap
"you're a freak... it's 5am." - Matt
"Oh, go and eat my alarm clock." - Matt
"You only have to imagine Bert as a part of Ernie's anatomy, and the
whole thing takes on an entirely new meaning." - Theo commenting on Bert's Nap
"How can I be miserable and you be content? Luck." - The Ref
"Human beings have feelings. Didn't your alien leaders teach you that
before they sent you here?" - The Ref
"Well my mother was Irish... and your father? ... wasn't ..." - The Ref
"DAKA ... for a good night of fasting." - Theo
"Maybe Santa and the Easter Bunny will take a fucking trip to Jamaica and
you can deliver your own damn gifts next year." - Santa in "The Ref"
"That's why I love NyQuil. Capital N, small y, big fucking Q!
NyQuil NyQuil NyQuil, we love you, you giant fucking Q!" - Denis Leary
"Love me tender, love me true, empty my colostomy bag..." - Denis Leary
"And now for another example that we're fond of going to ... from 1 or 2
charges ... to billions and billions." - Prof. Jasperson
"Something at infinity is infinitely far away." - Prof. Jasperson
"Good news, good news abounds." - Prof. Branche
"Apple Juice... Kinda like water, kinda like pie... whoopie!" - Theo
"Red meat, white meat, blue meat, meat oh fucking rama you will eat it."
- Denis Leary
"That's not sick and twisted ... that's just horny." - Dan Afonso
"How to: Insert Tab A into Slot B ... Have fun!" - Theo
"They sell cans of fresh Maine air ... probably vacuum-sealed." - Theo
"Now it's time for pay back ... Can someone lend me enough for a Coke?"
- Chris Bentley
"T: Hey Amy! Welcome to the wonderful world of the backstage area.
A: Grrrrrrrrr." - from A Midsummers' Nightmare (WPI)
"I lost my foo." - Theo
"To love another person is to see the face of God." - Les Miserables
Just because I liked it from Monty Python:
<Baaa baaa...flap flap flap...whoosh...Thud.>
(sheep trying to fly...)
"Cry, and the world cries with you. Laugh at the world, and you get
another appointment with the school psychiatrist. Oh damn." - MB
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BERT'S NAP (See the NO COMMENT section...)
Bert: <yawn> Oh, oh boy! Now, it's time for my nap. Oh, am I tired!
<yawn> -gets into bed- <yawn> -snores-
Ernie: Hey Bert! Oh Bert! Oh Buddie Bert! Hey Bert! Bert! Where are
you Bert!?! Oh...Hmmm...
<g> You know, it's just possible that my Ol' Buddie Bert here is
asleep. For one thing, he's lying down, which he usually does when he
is asleep. For another thing, his eyes are closed. Yeah. And for
another thing, he's not answering me when I talk. So Ol' Buddie Bert
is probably asleep. But I will check, just to make sure...
POKE! POKE! POKE! POKE! POKE! POKE! POKE! Note how I can poke
Ol' Buddie Bert in the stomach and he doesn't complain. Now when Ol'
Buddie Bert is awake and I poke him in the stomach, he complains.
Hmmmm...
Now looky here--note how floppy and soggy-like Ol' Buddie Bert's arm
is. Yeah. Now when Ol' Buddie Bert is awake, he's not floppy and
soggy-like. So, I am quite certain that Ol' Buddie Bert is very
definitely asleep. Yeah.
On the other hand...Now his eyes are open. My Ol' Buddie Bert's eyes
are usually open only when he is awake, so he's probably awake. But I
will check to make sure...
POKE! POKE! POKE! POKE! POKE! POKE! POKE!
B: Now cut that out!
E: See! I was right! He is awake!
B: Ernie,
E: Yeah?
B: Why did you wake me up?
E: Did I wake you up Ol' Buddie?
B: Yes you did!
E: See? I was right! First he was asleep, now he is awake.
B: Ernie, why did you wake me up?
E: Um, uh, let's see, uh, oh! Because I have something very important
to tell you.
B: What's that?
E: Well, you see, I just looked at the clock.
B: So?
E: It's time for you nap.
B: AARRGGHH!!!
E: Well, sleep tight!
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"War against Peace!
Uh Yeah Matt... War against Peace... 'PEACE MAKERS GO HOME!' and then the
guy pulls out a gun, and shoots the person next to him..."
- Matt and Theo
Most interesting thing I've seen today: a 4 foot walking penis...
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Part of a my last Crew Chief report:
- The band came... band? what band? you mean there's a band?
- Hey! why's the fire alarm going off? hmmmm... seems loud... maybe
we should mike it? ... naaah... loud enough.
- Here's a story, of an RA party,
who only wanted a PA and a mike,
but we were stuck with, two boards, track-sports, mirror ball,
and a light board,
and I have a cool penguin.
- Look! the mirror ball... I THOUGHT it was turning...
- Wow! All the lights stayed hung! We can do something right!!
- Hey! Look! They're dancing with spoons?!? Weren't there any girls?
They didn't look unpopular.
- Frame! ok, I got it Greg... Hmmm... Oh... I guess if I was on the
right projector.
- Hey! He's slow dancing with 3 girls... at once... apparently, they're
more friendly than the spoons.
- "No! I'm NOT the DJ!"
- "Dan, stop it! We are NOT using towers!"
- "Why won't the Hill work? Gains are up... Everything's connected...
Hmmm... Dan? Oh... the power switch."
- Hmmm... 8 girls in the bathroom? Only one can go... what do the
other 7 do? Chant? "Go, go, go!!!"
- WPI has a 4:1 ratio... that's right, but wait, that's 4 girls and 1
guy? in the bathroom... you mean separate bathrooms? no, together.
- The lights are up! Wait! They're putting a stage in the middle of
the dance floor! Stop them!!!
- "Medicus... that's a ladder, NOT a pogo stick."
- "What? you mean others DON'T stay up an hour later to write the report?
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"The mind of the beginner is empty, free of the habits of the expert,
ready to accept, to doubt, and open to all the possibilities."
- Shunryu Suzuki
"Beaten paths are for beaten men." - Unknown
"Choose your weapons to match the war." - Brad Cox
"All words are pegs to hang ideas on." - Henry Ward Beecher
"It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex task to make
things simple." - Unknown
"It is easier to confess a defect then to claim a quality." - Max Beerbohm
"In the universe, great acts are made up of small deeds." - Lao Tzu
"Do it badly, do it quickly, make it better, and then say you planned it."
- Tom Peters
"Great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending." - Longfellow
"Michelle, ma belle, sont les mon qui vont tres bien ensemble."
- The Beatles, "Michelle"
"Sleeping is the highest regard of genius." - Kierkegard
"... as you go forth today ... or fifth, depending on your order in line ..."
- From the movie "Toys"
"I came here to eat carrots and kick butt, and I'm all out of carrots."
- One Must Fall:2097
"I came here to kick butt and chew gum, and I'm all out of gum."
- They Live (movie)
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with but a step." - Chinese Proverb
"It's as clean as a whistle...? Well, I've seen some pretty dirty
whistles in my time..." - Theo
"... the overall impression is that the sex lives of most Americans are
about as exciting as a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich." - Time Magazine
"Exactly what it should've been, give people what they expect. The third
one can be clever." - John Hughes about Home Alone 2
"T: Oh yeah Bill? Well... I STARTED the argument about contradictions you
know...
B: No you didn't..." - Bill and Theo
Correct title for the movie "Before Sunrise" is "Are they going to do it
before Sunrise?" - Amy Plack
"A: Hey, I just gave 150 guys hard-ons in there by showing this one movie.
Really... you didn't see the guy over there with his hands in his pants,
moving around and stuff..
T: Amy... the guy over there was Dan...
A: Oh..." - Booth banter
"A: ... have you done it in a box, have you done it with a fox ...
G: Well actually ...
A: Shut up Greg. Excuse me while I give Greg a noogie."
- Dr. Seuss Purity Test w/ Amy&Greg Marr
"... Either this man is suffering from serious brain damage, or the new
vacuum cleaner's arrived..." - Rowan Atkinson
"For all these years I've secretly been naked underneath my clothes..."
- From the movie "Student Bodies"
"Doctor Sigmund told me that sexual repression causes Swine Flu, so..."
- From the movie "Student Bodies"
"... leading to the greatest psychological problem of them all ... death."
- From the movie "Student Bodies"
"Si Non Oscillas Noli Tintinnare. = If you don't swing, don't ring."
- From the Playboy Mag. Home Page
"... the Saab company didn't report a slight problem with the Saab 9000
cars. The Saabs have a problem with the wiring which causes the engine
to fail, and the power windows and door locks to stop working. The car then
fills with smoke pouring from the dashboard, and then may explode."
- From Headline News
"Winnie the Pooh is the balls." - Matt
"Wouldn't it be neat if there was a new Tom Hanks western/romance film called
Sheepless in Laredo?" - unknown
"What do you get the person who has everything? - A calendar... Reminds them
when all the bills are due." - Theo
"I've been told to wait 1 hour after eating to go swimming... but fish eat,
and then they swim immediately." - Richard Jeni
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Current theories and questions from Theo:
Dying is the leading cause of death in the world.
"If a tree falls in a forest, but no one is around to hear it, will it make
a sound?" - Of course it will, it's a tree.
If firefighters fight fire, and crimefighters fight crime, what do
freedomfighters fight?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are there certain flavors of pet food? Chicken, beef...
If you work in a hospital, can you call in sick?
Light isn't the moving particle/wave that everyone thinks it to be.
Darkness is. Why? Because dark moves the same speed through all mediums
as opposed to light, which doesn't travel at the speed of light.
The vegetarian crossed the road to get squashed.
What a fish thinks while swimming around in a fish bowl:
"<flip flip flip> Hey! Nice Plant! <flip flip flip> Hey, I've
seen a plant just like that once! <flip flip flip> Hey! There's
lots of plants around here! <flip flip flip>"
How does a fly land on the ceiling? Does it fly upside down or just go up
there and then flip?
Why does the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous theme song sound like the
theme song from Charlie's Angels?
Why does Pizza Hut celebrate Cinco de Mayo on May 2nd...?
Why is there a file in the /usr/include/unused directory?
If people who are psycho-kinetic (people who can move things with their
minds) can't get up in the morning, can they just levitate themselves,
and make themselves move around and do things until they wake up?
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"Your door is a jar. No it's not... It's a door." - The "O"
"It's called ice, and it gets a little slick." - From the movie True Lies
"and why do they call him the sand spider?
probably because it sounds scary..." - From the movie True Lies
"I'm nothing ... I'm navel lint ..." - From the movie True Lies
"Yogi Bear went to hell in a pic-a-nic basket, NOT a handbasket..."
- Theo
The Jane Fonda Sex Video! : "and 5 more, and 4 more, and 3 more, looking
good!" - Theo
From the Healthy Alternatives House application:
"Do you smoke?
Do you prefer living with a smoker?"
"Now in the place where he was crucified there was a garden; and in the
garden a new sepulcher, wherein was never man yet laid."
- John 19:41
"Walk softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword." - From a screen saver
"BUGS: This manpage is confusing." - man page for getopt
"The human sexual areas are like Dolby Surround sound... There are
front, rear, and center channels..." - Theo
"... by changing many lightbulbs, and I'm an Electrical Engineer, and it
only takes 1 of us ..." - Prof. Vaz
"... and a chunk of carbon is a mighty simple thing." - Prof. Vaz
"Anybody interested in entrepreneurship, and/or beer ..." - Prof. Vaz
"... and usually a little algebra is dangerous ..." - Prof. Keil
"... and a photon comes flying out." - Prof. Van Bluemel
"Wheeeeeeee!" - Theo's response
"These periods are always 15 minutes shorter than I'd like them, and
probably 15 minutes longer than you'd like them." - Prof. Van Bluemel
"You see that I PROOVED this ... " - Prof. Pardis
"Oooooooh... Aren't you special?" - Anonymous response
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The "Duh!" section... This is the place where the quotes that the
correct answer is "Duh!" for go... :
"... because you know light travels at the speed of light ..." - Prof. Keil
" ... it wasn't plugged in. The first thing you should check on an
appliance is if it's plugged in. That's usually the problem." - MST3K
"It's stupid to slap a table ... " - Prof. Long
"/etc/fstab The file fstab resides in /etc." - man page for fstab
"There's a place where the mountain climbers never touch the ground."
- Visa Ad
"Of course they don't touch the ground... they're on a mountain..."
- Theo's response
"You probably don't walk over to a door and pull on the hinge. Why not?
Because it's stupid ... " - Prof. Long
"The implication is this: wires don't push ... " - Prof. Long
"Zero equals Zero" - Prof. Farr
"L: Well... Do you have any kids?
T: No...
L: Oh. Well, do you have any grandkids?
T: Ummm <chuckle> ... No ..."
- Telephone saleswoman trying to sell me a family portrait
"Logic is very, very straight-forward." - Instructor Dean
"It started as all journies do, with a beginning..." - Commercial
"You only use spherical coordinates when you've got a sphere." - Prof. Farr
"Let's support what does work, and not support what doesn't work."
- President Clinton
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"EE good." - Prof. Vaz
"The most useful pieces of engineering that you'll probably ever have to
do will be to thwart some lawyer somewhere..." - Prof. Vaz
"Hey, it's spring!
How can you tell?
The Maxi-Pads are flying, look!" - Theo
"I'm much more than a walking penis... I'm a flying penis." - Terminal Velocity
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Theo's X-Rated Idea Schedule:
1) Mortal Combat
2) Care Bears
3) Remote Controlled walking penis
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"Roxanne Tisch, aka 'The Slasher'..." - Prof. Farr
"You can see if I trip on the cord, or more likely WHEN I trip on the cord..."
- Prof. Farr
"Pack your bags boys, we're going on a guilt trip." - Terminal Velocity
"What's funny? I'd like to know. Send me some E-Mail." - Prof. Farr
"It timed me out... I hate Windows." - Prof. Farr
"Ok, I've had enough for today." - Prof. Farr
Theo's plan to launder $80,000...
1) get the money in $1 bills.
2) buy 1 Pepsi with each dollar bill
3) you're done. you have ~$40000 left in change, and a lot of Pepsi.
4) get really wired on caffeine and walk around with your change.
"You might say 'So what?'" - Prof. Farr
"So what?" - Students
"Good, I like that." - Prof. Farr
"You can see I'm having a good time with this... Oh, here it is."
- Prof. Farr
"Now you can do that thing with your hands... It's ok." - Prof. Farr
"... and now we have a parallelogram, or at least we would if I could draw."
- Prof. Farr
"... and the rest of you think I'm making this up again... It would make
the class more fun, but I'm not..." - Prof. Farr
"... and don't we all love Pspice?" - Instructor Dean
"Do we have the magnitude of P? A slight nod would do." - Roxanne Tisch
"Crystals do for new age what velvet paintings did for art."
- From the movie Road Scholar
"A softball is like a foot. Don't try to lick it when it's traveling
unusually fast towards your face." - a proverb from the Book of Mike
"Calculus is supposed to be useful ... See, you guys think I'm joking..."
- Prof. Farr
"CS... You guys are hopeless anyway..." - Prof. Farr
"Oh gee, there it is, too bad." - Prof. Farr
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The overly scientific section of Theo's Plan file:
"The little blue piece of equipment..." - Instructor Dean
"Euler's Identity ... the Sine/Cosine thing..." - Instructor Dean
"... it's inverted with this little bubble thing ..." - Instructor Dean
"You just reciprocate the small one ..." - Peter Sagerson
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"You sold my penis to WHO?!?" - Theo
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Theo's picks for bad pickup lines of the week:
"I wasn't no boy scout, but I do come prepared."
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"They were printing out the damn bible ... Jesus Christ!" - Matt
"6. Few forest creatures have cellular phones." - From a Top 10 List
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Theo's NO COMMENT section
"I'll do you over here." - Some lady at Big "D"
"Take a position that commands respect." - Navy Ad
The entire script to Bert's Nap (from above)
"The problem is that there's not enough tension on the shaft." - Jon Stewart
"There are just some places I don't fit in." - Suzanne Wertenhoffer
"Swing it good, swing it hard - and try to avoid blows to the groin area."
- Legend of the Red Dragon
"Maybe I'll have a banana... I haven't had a banana in a LOOOOOONG time..."
- Theo's mother
"... you can adjust it in one hand." - Commercial for RoboGrip
Remove the word "easel":
------------------------
"1) Insert index finger into slot A.
Pull back until preforated edges separate easel back from base.
2) Pull down on A bending at B.
3) Line up A with slot C.
Insert A into C until easel back is securely attached to base."
- Far Side Calendar Setup Help
"Have you ever masturbated within ten feet of a zucchini?"
- An internet survey
"I do it when I want to do it as long as I get it out on time."
- Theo's mother
"I don't want to over-do her." - Theo's mother
"P>Now pick out two possessions that you can ALWAYS pull out with no trouble.
>Generally anything but the biggest and most powerful (i.e. mimicing"
- Pteryx from the GSC
"I usually have mine in my pocket." - Lady at Cabletron
"... it's time the pentagon funded Hyman." - From an interview on CNN
"... and he'll touch you tonight too..." - A Girl in Alden Hall
"I'm having problems getting it up ..." - Leon Lafond
"You want me to get off ..." - Susan Veitch
"Why aren't you on my staff?" - From the movie "The American President"
"Look at that crank!" - From Investigating Reports
"Everytime I kiss you, I'll be tasting 36 other guys ..."
- From the movie Clerks
"... well, go ahead and pump her ..." - Woman at Gas Station
"Hey Bill, do you have that bazooka in your pants? <Bill slowly turns his
head> Err, let me rephrase that..." - Theo
"Never let a girl handle your piece." - Chuck Norris in Forced Vengeance
"I can get mine up to about 775 x 775 before it starts to overflow."
- Richard Cheng, about array buffers for animation
"If you were really into it, you bought a really long one (about 20 inches)
so you could get better precision."
- Professor Emeritus Wayne McMorran of CA Polytechnic State University
talking about slide rules
"You gotta sorta lick the thing when you're done." - Emeril Lagasse
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Sometimes women just don't understand a guy's need to vegetate." - Timex
"They take normal salmon noises and distort them, that is apparently very
displeasing to adolescent salmon. Probably the aquatic equivalent to
Wayne Newton." - Beyond 2000
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Interesting Facts
There is no film (besides propaganda films) that have the word "Marijuana"
in their title.
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are
1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on
the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
... anagrams to ...
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
Longest word in the English Language:
pneuminoultramicroscopicosilicovolcanokoniosis = Black Lung Disease
"To give you another perspective on the size of these numbers, assume that
you (somehow) could precalculate the factors of all 200 decimal digit
numbers. Simply to sort the unfactored numbers themselves would require
approximately (9*10^200) * 665 bits of storage (not including any overhead
for indexing). Assume that you can store these on special media that hold
100GB (100*1024^4 or approximately 1.1*10^14) of storage. You would need
about 6.12*10^189 of these disks.
Now assume that each of those disks is only one millionth of a gram in
weight (1 pound is 453.59 grams). The weight of all your storage would
come to over 6.75*10^177 tons of disk. The planet Earth weighs only
6.588*10^21 tons. The Chandrasekhar limit, the amount of mass at which a
star will collapse into a black hole, is about 1.5 times the mass of our
Sun, or approximately 3.29*10^27 tons. Thus, your storage, left to
itself, would collapse into a black hole from which your factoring could
not escape!" - From: Practical UNIX and Internet Security, 2nd ed.,
Garfinkel and Spafford, O'Reilly and Associates, Page 163
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I am *NOT* a trout!" - Theo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Webster Definition for "felicity"
fe. lic.i.ty \fi-' lis-* t-e-\ n [ME felicite, fr. MF felicite`, fr. L
felicitat-, felicit]as, fr. felic-, felix fruitful, happy 1a: the quality or
state of being happy; esp : great happiness 1b: an instance of happiness 2:
something that causes happiness 3: a pleasing faculty esp. in art or language:
APTNESS 4: an apt expression
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I could excite a little wave pulse ..." - Prof. Aravind
"Hey! Look at me! I'm a little wave pulse... Wheeee!" - Theo's Response
"... although it's better if you call it an osculating circle because nobody
knows what it means. Except those smarty-pants math professors..."
- Prof. Farr
"I forgot, he's got a super-long tongue..." - Michelle
"Kids... Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em." - From Grumpy Old Men
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ode to DAKA (Sung to the Disney Theme)
Be our guest, be our guest
You want service? Oh you jest!
Put that napkin to your mouth, cherie
Spit out that awful mess.
Soup is poor, meat is green
Why, we only use Grade "D".
Try the grey stuff, it's delicious.
Don't believe us? Damn, it's vicious!
We can sing, we can dance
In our polyester pants
And a dinner here is always second best.
Go on, give it a whirl.
Leave the commons, then hurl.
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!
Mystery meat, corn souffle, armadillo a flambe
We'll prepare and serve with hair a culinary tragede'.
You're not alone, we're all scared
'cause the meal's ill-prepared.
You're all gloomy and complaining,
Go to hell 'cause you're prepaying.
We're a joke! We play tricks -
There's no meat in those Quick Chicks.
We smear them with a paste you can't digest!
Come on and move your ass!
You're soon to pass some gas so
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!
The meal is so unnerving
When you see just who is serving.
Here's a bowl with a sole to chew upon.
Ahhhhh...those good old days when we were nasty.
Suddenly those good old days are gone.
Seven months we've been cheery,
Did you note the food's still dreary?
Needing training - we've got no cooking skills.
Most days we grab what lies around the kitchen
Cover it with gravy
Here's the parents - oopsidazy!
It's a guest! It's a guest!
Now we've got to be our best!
They pay board and thank the Lord
That it's they who sign the checks.
Eat dessert, then just leave.
Just get out before you heave.
While our concoctions are still brewin'
You'll be gagging, you'll be spewin'
We've got beef, maybe not
Heavens sake, was that Spot?
Grind him up,
We don't care if you're impressed!
It's a surprise for you,
You'll never have a clue!
When you're our guest,
Be our guest, be our guest!
Be our guest! Be our guest!
Those aren't jimmies, they're insects.
It's ten years since we've had fumigators here,
So we've got pests!
Try the veal, try Chinese
They'll both bring you to your knees!
Overnight the mold's still growing
Add some sauce so it's not showing.
Down they go, One by one
They all shout, "I've got the runs!"
Tomorrow comes real soon
Aren't you depressed?
Next year avoid the food trap,
But for now it's our crap
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!
PLEASE! BE OUR GUEST!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Yea, it's gone." - Prof. Farr
"Let's start by ... spelling the word correctly..." - Roxanne Tisch
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: NAME: Sharon C. Davis
During the last few years, a number of students have come to the WPI Alumni
Office to secure a copy of Mildred Tymeson's book Two Towers: A History of WPI
from 1965-1965. Unfortunately, our supply of the book has been completely
depleted and the book is no longer available.
Theo's Response:
Apparently WPI's history was VERY active in 1965... Not only
does that year have it's own book, it sold out!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If the graph, when suitably blown up ..." - Prof. Farr
"BOOM!" - John and Theo's response
"Zebras, like turkeys, can't fly." - Strange Wilderness
"L: And stop saying Okay, okay?
M: Okay.
L: Good." - The Professional
"Why is OJ's alibi like John Bobbitt's penis?
Neither will stand up in court." - Unknown
"Running Linux 1.2 Because a 486 is a terrible thing to waste." - Unknown
"Could I have a turkey breast sandwich? ... Shut up, Matt!" - Theo
"Real programmers don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how
to spell quiche. They eat Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching Szechwan
food." - Unknown
"Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at
9 am, it's because they were up all night." - Unknown
"Real programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was
invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to 'think big'." - Unknown
"M: You guys didn't notice that? There were two girls in the corner being a
little more friendly than usual.
T: What? I didn't see that? Damn, I always miss the lesbians."
- Michelle and Theo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING!
This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need. A
special circuit in this machine called a "critical detector" senses the
operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use
the machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction
proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine
with violence only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use
another machine may cause it to also malfunction. They belong to the
same union.
Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"G: And are you using Windows or a Mac?
T: Neither, I'm using Linux.
G: Oh, you're a power user." - Theo and his ex-ISP
"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole
country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
- Ronald Reagan
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A moose was walking through a field one fine summer day, minding his own
business, when he suddenly fell off a cliff.
The moral of the story: Don't be a moose.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from
the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to
ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that
its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do
enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
-- Henry Kissinger
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to Leave the Planet - Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
1) Phone NASA. Their phone number is (713) 483-3111. Explain that it's
very important that you get away as soon as possible.
2) If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White
House - (202) 456-1414 - to have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA.
3) If you don't have any friends in the White House, phone the Kremlin
(ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051). They don't have any
friends there either (at least, none to speak of), but they do seem to
have a little influence, so you may as well try.
4) If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone
number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible.
5) If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and
explain that it's vitally important you get away before your phone bill
arrives.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Any similarity to person/persons now living to anyone or thing, dead or
undead, is entirely accidental and just one more irrefutable proof of the
paranormal." - From the 7th Guest
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part of Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail...
In Spanish.
Slightly redone.
Hi.
Arthur: Alto! Hola? Hola?
Frenchman: Hola! Quien es?
Arthur: Es rey Arthur, y estos son mis caballeros de la mesa redonda.
Cual castillo es?
Frenchman: Este es el castillo de mi amo Guwida Luwapa!
Arthur: Vaya y diga a tu amo que nosotros hemos sido mandado por dios con
una pesguisa sagrada. Si el nos dara comida y posada por la noche,
el podra juntamos en nuestra pesquisa por la holy grail.
Frenchman: Pues, yo lo preguntare, pero yo no pienso que el estara muy agudo.
Ahhh... El ya tiene uno, ve ud.
Arthur: Que?
Gallahad: El die que el ya tiena uno.
Arthur: Esta positivio ud. Que el tiena uno.
Frenchman: Ayyy.... Si, es muy bueno.
Arthur: Pues, Ahhhh.. Podemos verlo?
Frenchman: No es possible. Uds. Son tipos ingleses.
Arthur: Pues, Que es ud. Entonces?
Frenchman: Soy frances. Porque piensa ud. Que yo tenga este acento
ultrajante ud. Rey bobo.
Gallahad: Que esta ud. Haciendo en England?
Frenchman: No me moleste!!!
Arthur: Si no nos ensena ud. El holy grail, nosotros tomeremos tu castillo
por fuerza.
Frenchman: Ahora salgan antes de yo les moleste orta vez.
Gallahad: Hay otra persona con que podemos hablar.
Frenchman: No ahora salgan!!!!!!
Arthur: Ahora mira aqui.....
Frenchman: Yo no quiero hablarle mas, ud. Cabeza hueca rey.
------------Vaca------------
Arthur: Corra!!! Corra!!!
Lancolt: Amigos, yo los rompo.
Arthur: No No No No!!!!!!!
Benevere: Don tengo un plan.
------------Vaca------------
Frenchman: Un regalo!!!!
Arthur: Que pasa ahora???
Benevere: Pues ahora a Lancalot, Gallahad, y Yo quedamos hasta el anochecer,
entonces saltan del conejo, tomando las frances por sorpresa, no
solo por sorpresa pero sin armanento.
Arthur: Quien salta?????
Benevere: Ahhhh, Lancalot, Gallahad, y Yo.... Ahhhhh....
Arthur: Ay dio!!!!!!
Benevere: Tal vez un tejon grande.....
All: Corre!!! Corre!!!! Corre!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"All cast members of the 7th Guest stayed at the luxurious Bates Motel
where 'Showering is Always an Adventure'." - From the 7th Guest
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:
The argument goes something like this: "I refuse to prove that I exist,"
says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."
"But," says Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could
not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by
your own arguments, you don't. QED."
"Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in
a puff of logic.
"Oh, that was easy," says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that
black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"And, although some really nasty mind-games were played, no entities were
physically harmed during the making of this interactive entertainment
(except for the botched special-effect on the bunny rabbit that went so
horribly wrong and really bummed everyone out, no thanks to Mr. Boomer)."
- From the 7th Guest
'cd /usr/lib/X11 | more' - Bill
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator evaluation of Theo (I find it interesting...):
Full of enthusiasms and loyalties, but seldom talk of these until they
know you well. Care about learning, ideas, language, and independent
projects of their own. Tend to undertake too much, then somehow get it
done. Friendly, but often too absorbed in what they are doing to be
sociable. Little concerned with possessions or physical surroundings.
I was also really close to this possible choice too:
Quiet and reserved. Especially enjoy theoretical or scientific
pursuits. Like solving problems with logic and analysis. Usually
interested mainly in ideas, with little liking for parties or small
talk. Tend to have sharply defined interests. Need careers where some
strong interest can be used and be useful.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Oh... Well at least it didn't explode..." - Prof. Wills
"Seat Belt unbuckled, door open, and the driver is probably inebriated..."
- Prof. Vaz
"Now let's say I like sheep... And now let's say I take the sheep to a
Christmas party..." - Bob Golub
"I don't care what your sexual preference is... I mean it really doesn't
bother me who your partner is... Opposite sex, Same sex ... Best of Show ...
it really doesn't matter..." - Jeff Szesario
"The 5th Commandment says 'Thou Shalt Not Kill'. It does not say 'Thou
Shalt Not Kill Nice People.'" - Michael Moriarty
"In case you're wondering why I mentioned 'My Fair Lady' and then sung
part of a song from 'West Side Story' ... it's because I'm stupid." - Pat Sajak
"What to do if Drew Barrimore flashes you ..." - NBC Nightside
"Stay calm, don't operate heavy machinery ..." - Theo's Response
"No annual fee for 6 months ..." - Credit Card Commercial
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Legend of the Red Dragon:
The vows are short and to the point - but heartfelt. You are especially
proud of the one "To have to hold - and to satisfy anytime she needs it"
(you made that one up yourself) Seth Able laughs at the back of the
church at this. Many faces turn in his direction - making him turn
a bright purple.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Why is there a watermelon there? I'll tell you later." - From Buckaroo Bonzai
"I know that, you know that, but kids just don't make news unless they're
arrested for drugs, gangs, or some form of violence..." - Michelle
"or sports..." - Theo's response
"Shell programming can be a difficult lesson in frustration."
- Linux Reference Manual
"Female who thinks a lot about sex = nymphomaniac
Male who thinks a lot about sex = man" - Unknown
"These young men are celebrating that they won't have to be circumsized
again." - Terry Jones talking about the Crusades
"I should hope not... once is QUITE enough." - Theo's response
"My psychic guided us to our best fishing trip ever..." - Commercial
Theo's Cooking Tips:
--------------------
#1 - Do Not Fry Jalapeno Peppers. I was making my "famous" spaghetti
sauce, and I started to fry some of these peppers on request. The
peppers became the producer of a tear gas-like substitute. Not only
did the other 5 people in the house start coughing and hacking, and
some had to go outside, but the cat, asleep in the other room, woke
up, and ran to the door to be let out. Needless to say, unless
someone tries to invade your house, do NOT fry jalapeno peppers.
#2 - Don't fry bacon when your naked.
"You can use a morphing program and morph someone you don't like into
satan or something..." - From C|Net
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Stupidest Book in Existence:
Fear Macs No More
by Danny Goodman
c. 1993 by Brady Publishing (a division of Prentice Hall)
New York, NY
ISBN 1-56686-082-2
Library of Congress Cat. No. 93-9562
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A Young Eel is called this." - Jeopardy Question
"What is a baby eel Alex." - Theo's Response
"He who loses control - loses." - From Homicide
"The product of security and convienience is a constant." - Chris Taylor
"Working at McDonalds teaches you how to pack as much hate as you can
into the phrase 'Have a nice day.'" - Sue Cargill
"This web project is the most self-indulgent, egotistical thing I have
ever done in my life. But the day is young. I can top it." - Scott Adams
"I'll kick your butt up so high you'll look like a hunchback."
- Delores Claiborne
"To round out this virtual experience I recommend removing one of your
socks and using it as a hand puppet. Hold the puppet up to one ear and
have it say things like "This one's really funny!" followed by a loud
maniacal laugh. (But sometimes, just for realism, have the sock say "I
don't get it" in a soft whiney voice.)" - Dilbert Homepage
"... before it makes the dielectric go poof, and create a yellow/brown
acrid smoke which is not good." - Prof. Demetry
"I'm Bond ... Covalent Bond." - Farside Cartoon
"George: Are you there?
Theo : No, I took myself out for a night of dinner and dancing, and if I'm
really lucky, I'll get to sleep with myself tonight."
"... until this thing blows up, or yells 'stop', or says Uncle or
something..." - Prof. Demetry
"... charges of the negative persuasion ..." - Prof. Demetry
"I can shoot the manager while I'm at it ... kind of like a bonus."
- Shawshank Redemption
"D: We have this new computer, got it in today. Pentium 100.
T: That's not too fast.
D: Not too fast?
T: I have a P120.
D: A P120? Fuck you." - Guy at Radio Shack and Theo
"With multitasking, you can get more things done at once. It's not a
miracle. It's Windows 95." - Windows '95 Demo
"Like we didn't multitasking before Windows 95... Funny, I've been
doing 32-bit preemptive multitasking since last year using Linux... hmmm,
funny..." - Theo's Response
"... Lieutenant Flipper ..." - Colon Powell
"Lieutenant Flipper ...? Isn't he in the Navy?" - Theo's Response
"I wonder if they'd use a cow as a heat shield for a space rocket... Make it
kind of like a barbeque... They can land in the ocean, get out, and have
some hamburgers... They can mingle and wait for the Navy to arrive..." - Theo
"IUD is the newest networking protocol." - Matt's Father
"... and on that side you have a 50kg kid, and that's a pretty good sized
kid..." - Prof. Farr
"Where's Roxanne? Not here today... She might have a lab... Those poor
Calc. 2 kids ..." - Prof. Farr
"Well, it's a multiple of 1 ..." - John West
"I hear you collect plants. So does my wife." - Napoleon
"There once was this drunk person who was at a party. He went up to
the host of the party and asked him a question: "Excuse me sir, but I
need to know: Do lemons whistle?" The host replied "No they don't,
why?" The drunk person then responded by saying "Then I'm terribly
sorry, but I squeezed your canary into my drink."
- Simplified version of a James Burke joke
"Italy is a disease for which there luckily is no cure." - James Burke
"I don't like rap because I'm stuffy and british." - James Burke
"The best thing that came out of Italy is the road to the south." - James Burke
"The police have a work order to help clear out the alumni at
midnight. Plant Services has a work order to completely wash the
floor and air it out before the Board of Directors meeting tomorrow
morning." - Greg Marr
"He used to ... do things for them, sir." - Monty Python
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From the 'readmsg' man page:
Suppose you have the mail file;
From joe Jun 3 1986 4:45:30 MST
Subject: hello
Hey Guy! Wanta go out and have a milk this evening?
Joe
From john Jun 3 1986 4:48:20 MST
Subject: Dinner at Eight
From: John Dinley <xyz!john>
Remember you should show up about eight, okay?
- John D -
From xxzyz!cron Jun 3 1986 5:02:43 MST
Cannot connect to server: blob
Job 43243 deleted from queue.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When all else fails, kick with lunar boot." - James Burke
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The just kinda silly section, and yet somehow ironic section:
A pig named 'porkchop' ... (from CNN Headline News)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I can't help ignorance, but I can kick it." - Matt Greenwood
"A way out of financial mess is discovered as if by magic!"
- stupid fortune cookie
"We flavor, they season ... "
- From a theatre class about torches, blood, salt and hot chocolate
"Where it's reaching thermal failure, otherwise known as becoming toast."
- Prof. Demetry
"We're not comfortable with units, so everything scales to 1." - Prof. Farr
"See, that's the advantage of running OS/2 ... Viruses don't support it."
- Theo talking to Rob
"T:... and I suppose we'll have to make a crayon laser printer... a
whole 4dpi... prints in 64 colors!
A:... or how about the etch-a-sketch printer...?
M:Hey, this isn't what we wanted <shake shake shake>...
A:Microsoft: Practical Business Solutions - We stay in between the lines!"
- Alan, Matt, Pete and myself talking about the new crayon laser
printer from the makers of Hamilton'95
"How do actors practice when they're not in a show?" - Prof. O'Donnell
"Talk to their cats as different characters?" - Theo's Response
"A bride must be carried over this, but a vampire must be invited into
it." - Jeopardy Answer
"What is a Supermarket Spacer, Alex?" - Theo's Response
"They use the van for good things in suck-them (soccomm) huh?"
- More Booth Banter
"Oh Jebidiah, Oh Jebidiah. Oh, Plow my Field... Do me buggy style."
"Put the bonnet on it." - Comic talking about Amish Sex
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quotes from the 11th Hour:
"Was there a lot of inbreeding in your family, stupid?"
"Is there a frontal lobotamy required for this job?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"She is nosferatu.
She's Italian?" - From Dracula: Dead & Loving It
"... and you can dress in black and feel all theatery ..." - Prof. O'Donnell
"I want a constant named after me!" - Prof. O'Donnell
"As a little girl, she was a ho, I'll grant you that ..." - Prof. O'Donnell
"... I once had one with a condom in it. Here's hoping that dome doesn't
leak." - CNN about snow domes
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A poem I've been working on:
if you're happy and you know it eat some spam.
if your arteries aren't congested have some ham.
if you're happy and you know it and your cholesterol isn't bloated have some
ham and eggs and bacon while you can.
if you're going on a trip, have a plan.
it's really hot in denmark, bring a fan.
if you think that you might visit those big pyramids in egypt, you should
grab a camel and move out.
(yes, the ending needs help, I know...)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Of all your leading ladies, who was the best kisser? Uhh, Chewbacca."
- Harrison Ford on the Tonight Show
"There are more ways to reduce friction in metals then there were
release dates for Windows 95." - Quantum on TLC
"Phenomenal Cosmic Powers, Itty Little Living Space." - Aladdin
"... but I got high score on terminator." - Prof. O'Donnell
"... he's gay, he's gotta be gay... look at his boyfriend." - Prof. O'Donnell
"Doesn't take long to get it up that high, does it?"
- A person at Borders media store
"As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell."
- Unknown
"See, you've got three big ones, and two little ones."
- A Guy at a computer show talking about drive bays
"Come on, it's Springer ... It's the thunderdome for Chicklet brains."
- Dennis Miller
"There are a bunch of people with pens in their pockets who can't get
laid, so they're typing in their answers." - Dennis Miller
"Everyone looks like they're wearing the game board from Sorry."
- Dennis Miller
"And that dress she's wearing ... I wasn't aware that home appolstery
fabric was sold for human apparel." - Dennis Miller
"Back to you thesaurus boy." - Bill Maher
"How did you know my family nickname was clitoris boy?" - Dennis Miller
"Yeah, everybody trusts the cops since they went after Rodney like a
pinata." - Dennis Miller
"I'm doing good work here, forget my tits." - Dennis Miller
"Johnie Cochran abused Ito like a substitute teacher." - Dennis Miller
"I have the vision, and I'd like to share it with you before the peyote
wears off." - Bill Maher
"... for the first time in years our troops will have to have sex with
white hookers." - Bill Maher
"In the year 2000, medical research will be so advanced that the Ebola
virus will be used as a crunchy desert topping."
- Late Night with Conan O'Brian
"I hope to get a job out of it. I can put on my resume that I know UNIX."
- Linus Torvalds
"M: See, there's one problem with UNIX, it doesn't do random.
T: Yes it does, just srand the process ID OR time, it's decent from then
on.
M: I tried that, but srand only returns a 1 or a 0. That's not random.
T: Did you try the random function Matt?
M: There's a random function? I just used srand.
T: srand seeds the function. You have to use rand to do random numbers.
M: Oh." - Matt's Award of the Day
"Hell No, we won't Blow!" - The Prostitute Strike Protest Chant
"Since when did the amish give tongue?!?!" - The Drew Carey Show
"Oh honey, that's ok.
What? Oh, No, no... You just rolled over my juice box.
Ah, Thank god." - "Friends"
"Now please floppy from your first drive and insert the boot floppy."
- Red Hat Installation for Linux
"As you grow older in your observation of the peoples of this Earth
world, it becomes more noticeable that stupidity is the reigning
virtue. The masses are always willing that somebody take the
responsibility of caring for them." - Paul Twitchell
"Outside of traffic, there is nothing that has held this country back
as much as committees." - Will Rodgers
"Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride
worthwhile." - Franklin P. Jones
"There are two sides to every story...at least." - Ann Landers
"The very essence of leadership is that you have to have a vision. You
can't blow an uncertain trumpet." - Theodore Hesburgh
"Don't worry about the world ending today....it's already tomorrow in
Australia." - Charles M. Schulz
"A committee is a life form with 6 or more legs and no brain."
- Robert Heinlein
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons." - Woody Allen
"Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive
evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers
"You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do." - Henry Ford
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attitude Check (It's a theatre thing...):
-----------------------------------------
Attitude Check! "Fuck you!"
Positive Attitude Check! "Positively Fuck You!"
LNL Attitude Check! "Lick Me!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You may be sorry that you spoke, sorry you stayed or went, sorry you
won or lost, sorry so much was spent. But as you go through life,
you'll find - you're never sorry you were kind."
- Herbert V. Prochnow and Herbert V. Prochnow, Jr.
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers." - Unknown
"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again." - Unknown
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I
repeat myself." - Mark Twain
"M: Betweeen Greg and Amy, they've held nearly every position.
T: In more ways than one Michelle, in more ways than one..."
- Theo and Michelle
"Your next question is 'How does this gate work?' I don't know. I
don't have to know, I'm not an Electrical Engineer, I'm a Computer
Scientist." - Prof. Hamel
"The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
program, should the value of pi change."
- from a Fortran manual for Xerox computers
"First learn computer science and all the theory. Next develop a
programming style. Then forget all that and just hack."
- George Carrette
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Interesting Quotes from the LnL Exec Dinner:
"It's a chicken finger device." - Theo, looking at entree
"I use a program called Eudora." - Matt
"<Ugh>" - everyone else
"Hey, stop jerking off!" - Jon
"If you can eat DAKA, you can eat that."
- Tom talking to Rob about his dinner selection
"I've got too much blood in my alcohol stream." - Jon
"My tummy hurts, and it's Craig's fault." - Amy
"Rob, you wanted passion? Well, I'm here to deliver." - MGreg
"That's like Monopoly, and he's the banker."
- Theo on the new secretary paying the bill
Not from the dinner, but from one of the car rides home:
"It's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." - Jon
"I'm sorry, this piece still has a bit of penguin on it."
- Theo explaining what dirty ice is.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Matt: Yeah, I'm fucking happy.
Theo: What about sneezy and doc?" - Theo and Matt at the vending machine
"M: Would anybody like some wine?
W: What flavors do you have?
M: You mean besides grape?
W: Oh, ok." - Dream On
"Have we had the chance to play with a blow torch Nikki?" - Mr. Wizard
"M:Why aren't they wearing any clothes?
T:Because they're naked?" - Matt and Theo talking about a News Story
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fun things you'll never see:
o Grunge Origami (Japanese paper-folding to hardcore grunge music)
o The all-fish version of Braveheart (instead of maces, etc., all
weapons are a type of fish. Mel Gibson goes galloping along on a
horse, wielding a trout... 'Oh no, look out for the halibut!')
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"What limits how fast you type?" - Prof. Brown
"Ten Fingers?" - Steve Richardson
"Finding things in my notes is like archaeology: you never know what
will turn up and you have to dust everything off." - Peter Sagerson
"... so people can't look up your skirt I guess... Not that I wear
one..." - Prof. Brown about "Modesty Skirts".
"We're 3 days in, and already you're asking for less work ... OK,
noted and ignored." - Prof. Brown
"Knobs? ... Keep it clean." - Prof. Brown talking about faucets
"You guys are extremely inert today." - Prof. Brown
"Who in here has a car that talks to you? <wait for 1 person> You
have too much money don't you?" - Prof. Brown
"A handing out orgy..." - Prof. Brown
4. If all you did this year was sit in your cubicle and masturbate, dress
it up with the latest buzzwords. Say you're a self-starter who proactively
reengineered your personal inventory with Total Quality, conforming to all
EEO, OSHA, and ISO 9000 requirements. Stress your commitment to continue
this good work into the next fiscal year.
- From "The Dilbert Principle"
Marketing Professional's Motto: "We're not screwing the customers,
all we're doing is holding them down while the sales people screw
them." - From "The Dilbert Principle"
"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes, art is knowing which
ones to keep." - Scott Adams
"... And weren't we thankful that the aliens were Mac compatible?"
- Bill Maher talking about ID4
"Guys don't like girls with bigger winkies..." - Maryellen Hooper
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Biggest lie of all: (from an interview with Bill Gates)
"No! There are no significant bugs in our released software that any
significant number of users want fixed." - Bill Gates
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Come on Marc, let's call the help desk and ask for some information about
recompilng /dev/null ... I mean, I want it dynamically linked..."
- Theo talking to Marc Behr
"The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
be one of the facts that needs altering." - Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things we've learned from Bill Gates (not a joke):
Bug reports are statistically, therefore actually, unimportant
If you want a bug fixed, you are (by definition) in the minority
Microsoft doesn't fix bugs because bug fixes are not a significant
source of revenue
If you think you found a bug, you are wrong, because really it
only means you're incompetent
People only complain about bugs to show how cool they are, not
because bugs cause any real problems.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Minix is one of the reasons I decided microkernels are bad. VMS is the
reason I decided VMS is bad." - Linus Torvalds
"The goal of computer science is to build something that will last at
least until we're finished building it." - Unknown
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their
C programs." - Robert Firth
"A: You mean it's not due on Friday?
T: No, it's due two Mondays from now ... <slight pause>
A: Where's the remote?!?!?" - Alan and Theo about an OS1 Assignment
"I don't know if all the people in New England are repressed, but I knew
a girl from New Hampshire, now she wasn't repressed, she could do long
division with her thighs." - Joe Bob Briggs
"Losers whine about doing their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom
queen." - Sean Connery in The Rock
"Bad Guys, I say to you now: Knock off all that evil!" - The Tick
"Bill thinks having a bird crap on him is a complement to him from the
gods." - News Radio
"Don't ever make trouble here, I beat you up each time."
- From Rumble in the Bronx
"Remember: The difference between something that might go wrong and
something that can't possibly go wrong is that something that can't
possibly go wrong is impossible to fix." - Peter Sagerson
"I can't cut anyone's balls off with a trimmer now, can I?"
- From The Rock
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The best term used for technical reasons heard at WPI (in my time here):
The Pumping Lemma
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This is certainly more fun than my average day... Reading philosophy,
avoiding gang rape in the shower ..." - From The Rock
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her." - Sacha Guitry
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
- Jackie Mason
"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering." - Unknown
"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
the 'Y' becomes silent." - Unknown
"Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important." - Lisa Hoffman
"Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry
someone that you cannot live without." - Unknown
"Well ... Will you look at that ... Girl talk, and me without a uterus..."
- From Caroline in the City
"All women should be put on pedestals, just high enough for you to look up
their dress." - Steve Martin
"Shall fluoride be added to the public water supply for the intended
purpose of reducing tooth decay?"
- Town of Cape Elizabeth Voting Ballot
"As opposed to what other intended purpose?" - Theo's response
"No pixels were harmed in the making of this game." - WarCraft II
"T: Now *THAT* is a bad film.
G: Finally, a guy with some taste!"
- Some guy talking to Theo about the movie Threesome
"You know, even if I could hear them, I think it still wouldn't be English."
- Theo talking about a Pub Show Singer
"Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only
one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor." - Wernher Von Braun
"Turns out a severe caffeine deficiency and crushing deadline pressures
have conspired to render me temporarily stupid." - Larry Chin
"On the big starship of life, I think I'd be the morale officer..." - Theo
"For all those who say that Microsoft never creates anything original,
just remember that they have now invented the cross-platform virus."
- Phillip Karlsson
"... but they see buttons and arrows, and they get all excited ..."
- Instructor Heineman (rapid prototyping)
"So it's only my left hand which wants it in the button?"
- Instructor Heineman (OO Class Design)
"I could build the best piece of software, and put it in the forest, and
it wouldn't make a noise ..." - Instructor Heineman
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life." - Brooke Shields
"It's kind of like wanting to be in a band, but being a roadie ..."
- Instructor Otten
"... so that's a 5 to 10 minute diversion instead of answering your
question." - Instructor Otten
"It's not a huge rocket science thing, but it is a little bit funky ..."
- Instructor Otten
"Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for
those people who can't remember where they leave things." - Unknown
"Who's the private dick who's the sex machine for all the chicks?
Shaft!" - From the movie Shaft
"You ripped his arm off.
Yeah ... He had a spare." - From the movie Action Jackson
"You can see those things coming from around the corner; you have time to
comb your hair and shit..." - From the movie The Long Kiss Goodnight
"Yesterday you were all like 'Oh phooey, I burned the darn muffins', now,
you walk into a bar, and sailors come running out. What up with that?"
- From the movie The Long Kiss Goodnight
"Hey Lady, want some company?
No thanks, I'm saving myself to get raped."
- From the movie The Long Kiss Goodnight
"I killed the President of Paraguay with a fork ... How've you been?"
- John Cusack from the movie Grosse Pointe Blank
"Hey, if you want a father, I'll give you a spanking."
- Dan Ackroyd from the movie Grosse Pointe Blank
"In accord to UNIX philosophy, Perl gives you enough rope to hang
yourself." - Larry Wall
"Hoping the problem magically goes away by ignoring it is the 'Microsoft
approach to programming' and should never be allowed." - Linus Torvalds
"Ooohh.. 'FreeBSD is faster over loopback, when compared to Linux over the
wire.' Film at 11." - Linus Torvalds
"So, if anybody wants to have hardware sent to them: don't call me, but
instead write your own UNIX operating system. It has worked every time
for me." - Linus Torvalds
"The Motorola 6800 had an undocumented assembly opcode that earned the
mnemonic 'Halt and Catch Fire'. It was used by the factory to test the
address bus. It's harmless when the chip is hooked up to a test stand or
normal RAM, but hook it up to core memory and it really would fry."
- Unknown
"He couldn't take it ... The sex ... it was exhausting ... He's 22."
- From the movie Jeffrey
"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce
the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know
this is not true." - Robert Wilensky, University of CA
"Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the
head like this before." - Unknown
"A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform." - Unknown
"Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!" - Unknown
"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
- English Prof. at Ohio University
"What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?" - Unknown
"Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools." - Unknown
"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with
great force." - Dorothy Parker
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their
C programs." - Robert Firth
"There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We
don't believe this to be a coincidence." - Unknown
"... are you nuts? Well, yeah, I got references ..." - Prof. Michaelson
"Do you really want a computer that is completely controlled, or do you
want it to have it's own fire?" - Prof. Michaelson
"When you're done developing software, all you have are empty pizza
boxes ..." - Prof. Michaelson
"To quote Axl Rose ..." - Prof. Michaelson
"The programmer needs the machine to run long enough to destroy it."
- Prof. Michaelson
"It is our job to protect the magic smoke ..." - Prof. Michaelson
"... He looked quizically, and picked up his Coke can ..." - Prof. Michaelson
"... now a branch instruction is like bringing a case of beer to the
party ..." - Prof. Michaelson
"... and we still have yet to create a neural computer with the
sophistication of a garden slug ..." - Prof. Michaelson
"It's the same plot as the first one, only they have little teddy
bears in it." - Prof. Wittels talking about Return of the Jedi
"Software is like sex; it's better when it's free." - Linus Torvalds
"If you were foolish enough [to] go to college and major in one of the
soft arts, such as journalism, English literature or music, you might have
a bit of a shock coming. At best, those majors are excellent preparations
for jobs that involve removing wine corks and condoms from the swimming
pools of people who studied computer science. And even that is seasonal
work." - Scott Adams, Dilbert Future, p174
"With a PC, I always felt limited by the software available. On Unix, I
am limited only by my knowledge." - Peter Schoenster
"What would you say?
Don't drop the big one.
If you a monkey on a string?
Don't cut my lifeline.
If you a doggie on a chain?
Don't bite the mailman." - Dave Matthews
"I can please only one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either."
- Dave Morse (DNRC Motto suggestion)
"With a BS, you know a little about everything
With an MS, you know a lot about some things
With a PhD, you know everything about nothing" - Ralph Valentino
"Cuidado esta llamas!" - rc5proxy.llamas.net
"A college student who nearly died after a night of pledge drinking is
filled a negligence suit against the school, the frat, and the bar where
the drinking took place. Now, does anyone disagree with me when I say,
the more frat kids who die, the better?" - Bill Maher
"You have to change sendmail.cf once to be a real sysadmin. Twice, and
you're insane." - John West
"Then what does that make me?" - Greg Shapiro (paraphrased)
"You can sleep, no problem, as long as you don't snore." - Prof. Bagchi
"Does anyone not understand what the hell is going on?" - Prof. Bagchi
"That's overstating the obvious ... All mathematicians are eccentric to some
point." - Prof. Bagchi
"That's all mathematicians do. They sit in a little room, and come up with
new terminology." - Prof. Bagchi
"... and for that, a bunch of strange people sat down in a little room."
- Prof. Bagchi
"If I can not answer all the questions in less than ten minutes ... It is a
long exam." - Prof. Bagchi
"Eigenvalues and eigenvectors are actually used for something, as opposed to
most of this stuff ..." - PLA for Matricies
"Perl is your friend. Use Perl." - Randal Schwartz
"Has everybody had a cosmic breath? Ok, let's continue." - Susan Vick
"I don't give a fuck what you do, just make it look good!" - Susan Vick
"Woo! Take it off!" - Susan Vick
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
- Bob Ettinger
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span
and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a
congressman." - Bruce Baum
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over
it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid
of the body before you do the wash." - Jerry Seinfeld
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population." - David Letterman
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in
a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
have to kill you too." - Jake Johansen
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.' " - Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
learner." - Lynda Montgomery
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
- Paul Rodriguez
"Don`t knock the weather. If it didn`t change once in a while, nine out
of ten people couldn`t start a conversation." - Kim Hubbard
"We come down at 10. Then we eat ham." - Susan Vick
"I develop for Linux for a living, I used to develop for DOS. Going from
DOS to Linux is like trading a glider for an F117." - F. Sweetser
"NT is secure.... as long as you don't remove the shrink wrap." - G. Myers
"if you don't know what Unix is, get off the internet." - Catherine Skidmore
"What's the difference between the Spice Girls and a porno movie? A porno
movie has better music." - Phil Spector
"Advice is kind of like sex. It's not always good, it's not always free
and you don't always get from the person you want to get it from."
- Peter Liam Taylor
"For a while, all that stood between America and annihilation was a man with
a drinking problem." - Some program on the Learning Channel
"I'm looking for a Linux equivilant to PC Magazine." - Brian Dudek
"Unfortunately, this isn't available. Linux-centric magazines tend to
actually contain useful information." - Chris Saunderson
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon, hence the constant popularity of dogs."
- Susan Vick
"Remember: while root can do most everything, there are certain privileges
that only a partner can grant." - Telsa Gwynne
"When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows,' people just stare
at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*.'"
- Linus Torvalds
"Programming isn't so much a profession as it is an obsessive-compulsive
disorder." - Unknown
"Linux is like a Vorlon. It is incredibly powerful, gives terse,
cryptic answers and has a lot of things going on in the background."
- Unknown
"Perl is designed to make the easy jobs easy and the hard jobs possible."
- Larry Wall
"Hey, you're shaped like buddah, millions of people follow him!"
- The Drew Carey Show
"It's because I was young. When you're young, you're supposed to do
stupid things, aren't you?" - David Bishop of Kodak
"Microsoft has never been to Mars. There's a reason for this." - Art Sackett
"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
with ketchup." - Unknown
"I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. 'Please, I'll only
put it in for a minute.' What am I, a microwave?" - Berverly Mickins
"'Don't NOT follow the directions' seems unnecessary to state."
- Roger B.A. Klorese
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a
day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she
is." - Ellen DeGeneres
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." - Jeff Stilson
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal
family knew someone in the Royal family?" - Robin Williams
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.' " - Richard Jeni
"/tmp needs to be world-writeable, period. But very few things
(nothing?) legitimately need to readdir(/tmp). Except users. But,
well, screw them <verybiggrin>." - Hank Leininger
"If you aren't willing to give anything back to a project that helped
you do your own project, you're a worthless piece of $%@*."
- Linus Torvalds
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers." - Unknown
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants." - A. Whitney Brown
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn
from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent
disinclination to do so." - Douglas Adams
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
- Ashleigh Brilliant
"That vulnerability is completely theoretical." - Microsoft
"The Internet treats censorship like damage and routes around it."
- Sebastian Kuzminsky
"Linux doesn't dictate how I work, I dictate how Linux works." - Eric Crampton
"Any sufficiently perverted technology is indistinguishable from Perl."
- Unknown
"Oh, well; I'll work next week." - Peter Sagerson
"And that's the success of Windows-it's mediocre, but it's easy."
- Linus Torvalds
"I don't think Microsoft is evil in itself; I just think they make really
crappy operating systems." - Linus Torvalds
"My people -- we don't know defeat, we crush the strong and percolate the
weak." - MC Hammer
"As I always said: You can get more information with a kind word and a
two-by-four than with just a kind word." - Marcus on Babylon 5
"If you see something this big with eight legs coming towards you, let me
know. I have to kill it before it develops language skills."
- Londo on Babylon 5
"When you set out to rob a gas station, you're supposed to fill the tank
before you hold up the clerk." - Unknown
"I quit my job last week because they were going over to NT. I asked some of
the guys down testing their robots -- Hey, do you want a web browser running
on that robot? They answered, "Well, I really hadn't thought about it
before. No, no I really don't.""
- Paraphrased from unknown person at July '98 WLUG Mtg.
"I hate sitting in the smoking section when I'm not a smoker. I always feel
that there's this pressure to start." - Theo
"UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because
that would also stop you from doing clever things." - Larry Wall
"Randal can write one-liners again. Everyone is happy, and peace spreads
over the whole Earth." - Larry Wall
"If an economist can't give you his phone number, he'll give you an
estimate." - Jack Valenti
"... before engaging in a battle of wits, one must ensure that one's opponent
is armed." - Jamie Zawinkski
"I sometimes think they choose guards basaed on the bone content of their
heads." - Londo on Babylon 5
"The universe is already insane, anything else would be redundant."
- Londo on Babylon 5
"Cloning and the reprogramming of DNA is the first serious step in
becoming one with God." - Scientist G. Richard Seed
"Every use of Linux is a proper use of Linux." - John "Maddog" Hall
"In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would
have taken many men many months to equal it." - Unknown
"Is blue supposed to be soothing when I lose my data?" - Dave DeMaagd
"If you see an old notice that foo 1.0 has a bug, it may not apply to
your foo." - Trevor Johnson
"I'm happy. I'm giddy. I'm spiffy." - Michael Kearney
"I decry the current tendency to seek patents on algorithms. There are
better ways to earn a living than to prevent other people from making use of
one's contributions to computer science." - Donald E. Knuth
"lp1 on fire" - Linux kernel error message
"Oops." - Linux kernel error message
"Aiee!" - Linux kernel error message
The Five Steps of Microsoft:
1) Ignore new technology, don't take notice.
2) Notice technology, publicly ignore it, spread fud.
3) Embrace new technology.
4) MSify new technology, making it MS specific.
5) Kill competition via buyouts, illegal contracts, hiring away developers,
leverageing windows, etc.
"Captain, we're sorry... We thought you were dead.
I was -- I'm better now." - Babylon 5
"I thought you were dead.
Yeah ... I get that a lot." - From the movie "Alien: Resurrection"
"I may be bad -- but I feel good." - Army of Darkness
"Maybe, just maybe, my boys can stop them from getting the book. [pause]
Yeah, and maybe I'm a chinese jet pilot." - Army of Darkness
"So something ripped him open and ate all his insides out?
Yeah, it's just like an oreo cookie. [puzzled looks]
Without it's chocolatey goodness." - from Buffy, the Vampire Slayer
"In a perfect world, everyone would use Linux and drive a Saturn."
- Rob Naccarato
"Theo is ahead of the game compared to all of us, as he's been using Unix far
too long." - Rob Caputo
"testing? What's that? If it compiles, it is good, if it boots up it is
perfect." - Linus Torvalds
"A bug is a bug. Even if it is not a hole, it should be hunted down
and squashed, because one or more bugs can combine to become one or
more holes..." - Theo de Raadt
"I could nail your head to the table, set fire to it, and feed the charred
remains to the pak-mara. But we can't always get what we want."
- Sheridan on Babylon 5
"And 1.1.81 is officially BugFree(tm), so if you receive any bug-reports
on it, you know they are just evil lies." - Linus Torvalds
"I know it's weird, but it does make it easier to write poetry in perl. :-)"
- Larry Wall
"Microsoft - because god hates us" - Alistair Riddell
"If you think I've answered your question, then I haven't been sufficiently
vague." - R. Gary Cutbill
"When in doubt, parenthesize. At the very least it will let some
poor schmuck bounce on the % key in vi." - Larry Wall
"I can not have an aide who will not look up. You will forever be walking
into things." - Du Kat from Babylon 5
"Heart of gold, body of a hat rack." - Drew Carey Show
"What do you do then?
I touch that button and pray really really fast." - Lennier on Babylon 5
"But you have to allow a little for the desire to evangelize when you
think you have good news." - Larry Wall
"You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married and few words
in your sleep to get divorced." - From www.slashdot.org
"The one computer-language course I took was Cobol, and basically, I just
slept the whole quarter. Then, the night before the final, I read the IBM
Cobol manual, and I got the top score in the final." - Larry Wall
"Besides, I think [Slackware] sounds better than 'Microsoft,' don't you?"
- Patrick Volkerding
"As a competitor, we might be better off if they shipped it."
- Sun Microsystems's James Gosling on Windows NT 5.0
"Open Source UNIX is shaped by people who use it. Microsoft shapes NT
to respond to competitive threats." - Nicholas Petreley
"I am not Open Source, I do not want you playing with my internal organs.
Thank you." - Obelisk
"What happened? You all look like a pak-mara ate your cat."
- Ivonova on Babylon 5
"Special? Our longest phone conversation is 'Get over here.'" - Ross on ER
"Depends on how you define 'always'. :-)" - Larry Wall
"When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a
decision." - From www.slashdot.org
"The avalanche has already started; it is too late for the pebbles to vote."
- Kosh on Babylon 5
"Download. Compile. Reboot. Repeat." - From www.slashdot.org
"I spaced out on lingo." - Prof. Wills
"Three Things which a successful Systems Admin must have: "a quick wit,
quick hands, and a quick connection."" - A Modern Technical Triad
"Linus is god until *he* says otherwise." - Eric Raymond
"The Internet is like crack for smart people." - Arsenio Hall
"World domination, of course. And scantily clad females. Who cares if it's
twenty below?" - Linus Torvalds
"No one that codes for Linux is required to use the GPL. You can use
the NPL, or a BSD style liscence. You can make it closed source. You
can stand upside naked and spit into a cup. IT DOESN'T MATTER." - Unknown
"I suppose one could claim that an undocumented feature has no
semantics. :-(" - Larry Wall
"The code you never write has no bugs" - Steve Jobs
"Hanging out in a Barnes & Noble bookstore and leaning on the UNIX shelves is
always a good pastime -- you look good, and you help dust off the books."
- Vinnie Saladino
"See, you not only have to be a good coder to create a system like Linux,
you have to be a sneaky bastard too ;-)" - Linus Torvalds
"The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day
they start making vacuum cleaners." - Ernst Jan Plugge
"Interesting how the "Precomputer Times" timeline on the Microsoft site
ends in 1975, the year before MS was founded. Also interesting is the
lack of mention of Unix, oh wait, here it is, in 1750 B.C., just before
the Phonicians invented the alphabet. I guess that explains why it uses
symbols like | & > instead of words, and it probably also explains why
Unix commands have such caveman-sounding grunts, like "grep", "awk",
and "rm". :-)" - Tony Smolar
"At this point you can step away from the computer for a little while
and have a quick snack while INN compiles." - INN INSTALL file
"When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance the
spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter knob."
- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
"Those who do not archive the past are condemned to retype it!"
- Garfinkel and Spafford
"Windows 98 supports real multitasking - it can boot and crash
simultaneously." - Bernhard Rosenkraenzer
"You can stick whatever you want wherever you want to stick it so long as
what you stick it in wants to get stuck." - Daniel Klein
"The rise of NT has been important for UNIX as well. NT has helped push UNIX
into mission-critical servers. As a side effect, I have found that my UNIX
security courses are more in demand than ever before. Thank you, Microsoft."
- Rik Farrow
"I instigated Linus's first shooting expedition in a long while a few months
back (I can report that he is a steady, competent shot with a 9mm semi)."
- Eric Raymond
"Ever heard of .cshrc?
That's a city in Bosnia. Right?" - Unknown
"Well, that's more-or-less what I was saying, though obviously addition
is a little more cosmic than the bitwise operators." - Larry Wall
"No prisoner's dilemma here. Over the long term, symbiosis is more
useful than parasitism. More fun, too. Ask any mitochondria." - Larry Wall
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
- Douglas Adams
"Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
A: A canary with the super-user password." - Unknown
"I've been programming for ten years in Windows, and one year in Linux.
Guess which one I like better?" - Pat Beirnes
"What kind of birth control do the Centauri use?
Conversation." - J. Michael Straczynski
"you might be a sys admin if you see the bumper sticker 'users are losers'
and not realize it refers to drugs" - Unknown
"Unix aint perfect - but it's light years ahead of Windows NT" - Unknown
"As a computing professional, I believe it would be unethical for me
to advise, recommend, or support the use (save possibly for personal
amusement) of any product that is or depends on any Microsoft product."
- David Wolfskill
"Now that Windows NT 5.0 has been renamed Windows 2000, we should
reconsider the rumor that the number that appears after the word 'Windows'
is a minimum memory requirement in megabytes." - Craig Milo Rogers
"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a
vacuum." - Arthur C. Clarke
"In general, if you think something isn't in Perl, try it out, because it
usually is. :-)" - Larry Wall
"Many people equate the word 'daemon' with the word 'demon,' implying some
kind of Satanic connection between UNIX and the underworld." - Evi Nemeth
"MSDOS didn't get as bad as it is overnight -- it took over ten years
of careful development." - dmeggins@aix1.uottawa.ca
"Q. Why is this so clumsy?
A. The trick is to use Perl's strengths rather than its weaknesses."
- Larry Wall
"Tatung, where customer satisfaction is on our list of things to get to."
- R. Gary Cutbill
"Talent does what it can, genius what it must. I do what I get paid to do."
- Unknown from /.
"Thinking of using NT for your critical apps?
Isn't there enough suffering in the world?" - Sun Microsystems Ad
"When cryptography is outlawed, gjklj nbvmiou wtkj kd;ie4 skt klbjxdf."
- Unknown
"Egad. I'm such a chowderhead." - David Rose
"If you build something that any idiot can use, any idiot will."
- Patrick St. Jean
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein." - Joe Theismann
"Chase the dream, not the competition." - Unknown
"Microsoft says Windows 98 fixes almost 3,000 bugs, but that begs the
question of why those bugs were there in the first place." - Michael Miller
"The OSI hits! -more-
You are in a twisty maze of networking standards, all overengineered."
- Brandon Allbery
"Never go off on tangents, which are lines that intersect a curve at only
one point and were discovered by Euclid, who live in the 6th century,
which was an era dominated by the Goths, who lived in what we now know
as Poland." - Unknown from Nov. 1998 issue of Infosystems Executive.
"Holy DNS batman, you aren't on my list!" - Error message
"Al is a very busy person, as is most everyone else on helpdesk. They
might even be more busy than Microsoft engineers who have much higher
salaries, and have time for nerf gun battles and pillow fights in
the halls." - Paul English
"I hear that if you play the NT 4.0 CD backwards, you get a Satanic message!
That's nothing. If you play it forward, it installs NT 4.0!" - Matt Greenwood
"Getting a penguin to pee on demand is _messy_. We're talking yellow
spots on the walls, on the ceiling, yea verily even behind the fridge."
- Linus Torvalds
"Coffee anyone?
No thanks, one more cup and I'll jump into warp." - Capt. Janeway (ST:Voyager)
"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
for they are subtle and quick to anger." - Lord of the Rings
"Oh My God! They Killed init! You Bastards!" - Unknown
"Linux without source is like coffee without caffeine." - Brian Moore
"You are finite. Zathras is finite. This...is wrong tool."
- Zathras on Babylon 5
"Windows 98 -- Go for the bloat!" - Theo Van Dinter
"Here look after this penguin for me, oh by the way it bites" - Alan Cox
"The best diplomat is a fully charged phaser bank." - Scotty on Star Trek
"I feel so lucky that I have the right brain chemicals." - Dr. Lewis on ER
"... specially formulated so more nutrition stays in your cat." - Iams
"Perhaps you could start with something simpler, like the moral equivilent
of an opposible thumb." - G'Kar on Babylon 5
"Remember that the next time when you're using virgin RAM, as opposed
to RAM that's been touched." - Pat Beirnes
"I'm barely holding my fudge right now." - From the movie Buckaroo Bonzai
"Stupid people shouldn't breed." - From ER
"Jack- she's two. You could surprise her with a piece of old bread."
- From Just Shoot Me
"No Vir, the universe is an evil place, but at least it has a sense of
humor about the whole thing." - Londo on Babylon 5
"This is a kinder, gentler Federal Bureau of Investigation ..." - Jim Duncan
"If God is able to effect physical resurrection of the dead, it seems
unlikely the absence of a liver or a pancreas will interfere."
- Rabbi Joseph Prouser
"With Microsoft products you have to worry about the unsafe networking
practices involved. Actually everything after breaking the shrink
wrapping..." - Unknown
"You don't want me to pick out your brain surgeon. I don't want your brain
surgeon picking out my router :)" - LuftHans@asu.edu
"Even my usual 'careful' is not very careful by other peoples
standards. So when _I_ say that I wasn't very careful, you should just
assume that I was reading my email about as carefully as a hyper-active
hedgehog on some serious uppers. Can you say "ignored email" three times
quickly while chewing on an apple?" - Linus Torvalds
"Your Shopping Cart lives to serve. Give it purpose--fill it with books, CDs,
audiobooks, DVDs..." - amazon.com
"To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and
feature-poor toys." - Scott Adams
"We may not have got everything right, but at least we knew the century
was going to end." - Douglas Adams
"I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing..."
- Thomas Jefferson
"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love."
- Charlie Brown
"From what I'd seen of British TV, some shows use the word bastard like
I use a comma." - J. Michael Straczynski
"When experiment and theory conflict, experiment wins." - Tim Smith
"I'd rather get it right than get it done on Tuesday."
- J. Michael Straczynski
"If I were in the President's place, I would not get the opportunity to
resign. I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey
standing over me saying, 'How do I reload this damn thing?'" - Dick Armey
"Premature optimisation is the root of all evil." - Knuth
"Software engineering is a race between engineers who try to create
foolproof software and the universe which is trying to create bigger
fools. So far, the universe is winning..." - Michael H. Warfield
"I cannot have an aide who will not look up. You will be forever walking
into things." - Dukhat on Babylon 5
"Linux: Because a penguin makes a better mascot than Satan." - Unknown
"...and that's why I suggest putting your IP router in a suppository
configuration" - Alice (Dilbert 1/8/1999)
"... advise the users that although it can help, they are known problems ..."
- Stanislav Meduna
"Redmond - Microsoft corp. announced this weekend that they will be
re-organizing into four functionally distinct divisions: Lying, Cheating,
Stealing, and Crashing. Wall Street analysts agree that this change will
better enable MSFT to achieve its strategic goals." - Unknown
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you,
then you win." - Gandhi
"The question is to what extent parasites like Microsoft should be parasites
off the public system, or should be granted any rights at all."
- Noam Chomsky
"Where's the ladies' sty? I desperately need to powder my snout."
- Wally's Elbonian Mail-Order Bride
"Strange as it may seem, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and
formal education positively fortifies it." - Stephen Vizinczey
"You'll notice Linux 1.2 for example doesn't reflect 2Gig machines with
multiple RAID controllers. The typical home hacker doesn't generally
possess these. Instead we have the coffee-machine interfacing mini-HOWTO."
- Alan Cox
"They won't run unix, but look on the bright side, they won't run
Windows either." - Martha Driscoll talking about 286s
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to
the town gossip." - Will Rogers
"Hey Ho! What's this? You've found my bunny!" - aprentic@retina.min.net
"How should I know if it works? That's what beta testers are for.
I only coded it." - Linus Torvalds
"If you consistently take an antagonistic approach, however, people are
going to start thinking you're from New York. :-)"
- Larry Wall to Dan Bernstein
"Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than
90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body
being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a
soggy, gooey bread-pudding person." - http://www.geoffmetcalf.com/bread.html
"I'm here with the two symbols of the republican party -- an elephant, and a
big fat white guy who's threatened by change." - Peter Griffin, Family Guy
"If you're choking someone, and you remove your hand, you're going to get
punched in the face." - Hal Stern
"Cut the [network] line to your bathroom ... life will be good again."
- Hal Stern
"I'm not allowed to go to Home Depot anymore because I once made the mistake
of trying to build a deck." - Hal Stern
"I didn't know Allman was a stand-up comedian ..."
- Theo about laughter from sendmail tutorial
"For just $19.95 a month, you too can test your applications over the
Internet." - Hal Stern about AOL
"If you're running the latest version of IIS, then you're not vulnerable to
this [security hole], but you're vulnerable to something new." - Phil Cox
"Having a firewall that allows NFS to the Internet is like having a seat belt
that lets your head touch the dashboard." - Marcus Ranum
"You can tell that I got this out from the newspaper because it looks like I
cut it out with a spatula." - Jim Duncan
"I can explain why UNIX does what it does. However, I can't explain why NT
does what it does." - Rik Farrow
"How to heat turkey: Put turkey in oven @ 350 degrees until hot."
- Supermarket turkey cooking instructions
"I sometimes think that they hire guards based on the bone content in their
heads." - Londo on Babylon 5
"Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with
confidence." - Sinclair on Babylon 5
"I'll have to be careful when I walk past that thing ... It'll blow the rest
of my hair off." - Isadore Katz
"Vir, it is a terrible truth, but as one accumulates power, one loses
friends. One only has those who wish to use you, and those you wish to use."
- Londo on Babylon 5
"Shooting an automatic weapon is like having a multiple orgasm." - Victor Chao
"Do you know how to use that thing?
Yes ... The pointy end goes into the other man."
- From the movie "The Mask of Zorro"
"Stop stealing my blanket. You're an arctic wolf for god sakes. You're
getting soft." - Due South
"Hey birthday dude -- want some ice cream?
Yes. But no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you."
- Family Guy
"So broccoli, mother says you're very good for me. Well, I'm afraid I'm
no good for you! The first rule of war is know thine enemy and I know
this -- cold kills broccoli! It's so simple. All I need to do is build
a machine to control the global environment. Forecast for tomorrow:
a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!"
- Stewie on Family Guy
"Hey barkeep! Who's leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini
around here?" - Family Guy
"Excellent! The weather machine is nearly completed. What do you say
to that broccoli?" - Stewie on Family Guy
"They have this game where you put in a dollar and you get four quarters! I
win every time!" - Family Guy
"The only way you'll get me to talk is through slow painful torture, and I
don't think you've got the grapes." - Stewie on Family Guy
"I wouldnt trust NT to feed my cat." - Unknown poster on Slashdot
"I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was
needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as
needy, I was deprived. Then they told me deprived was a bad image, I
was underprivileged. Then they told me underprivileged was overused,
I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I sure have a
great vocabulary." - Jules Feiffer
"> I'm an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find..
We need to find some new terms to describe the rest of us mere mortals
then." - Craig Schlenter in response to Linus Torvalds about a kernel bug.
"The technicians are there in case there is a real problem that needs to
be fixed, the managers are there to make sure that the technicians are
not surfing the net for Y2k party webcams, the top executives are there
to answer any questions pesky reporters might ask, the lawyers are there
to tell the top executives what they can say to the pesky reporters,
and the PR people are there in case anyone needs coffee."
- From Duh-2000.com (entry for contest 11)
"It's the ego trip of the century to write your own operating
system. Highly recommended, two thumbs up!" - Linus Torvalds
"Clean code is an art, fortunately an art Linus in paticular seems to excel
at." - Alan Cox
"Thinking hard can lead to social problems, such as chess." - Dogbert
"I'd rather work on a OS made by programmers needing marketing, than a OS
made by marketing needing programmers." - Unknown
"It doesn't run on an open source platform, therefore it, by definition,
does not matter." - James Lewis
"Windows and MacOS are products, contrived by engineers in the service of
specific companies. Unix, by contrast, is not so much a product as it is a
painstakingly compiled oral history of the hacker subculture." - N. Stephenson
"Your ancestors died to give you the freedom to say anything you like,
and the first word out of your mouth is "fuck". Frankly, I'm disappointed."
- Unknown
"NT is far less mature than the Unix family, of which Linux is a
member. M$ foolishly ignored 30 years of research and accumulated
wisdom. As a result, they've been repeating all the old mistakes."
- Unknown user on /.
"Linux isn't an optimal OS. There are places that it is the best
one out there, and other places where it does poorly. Like every OS,
however, it evolves. Its openness simply lets it evolve faster than the
competition. Per Darwin, evolve or die." - Remande on /.
"You are confusing seriousness with excellence. You can pretend to be
serious; you can't pretend to be intelligent. This is a common error
among the technically unproficient." - "The Welcome Rain" on /.
"If Linux is really to gain "world domination" making sure that NT's
strengths are Linux's strengths as well as making sure that NT's
weaknesses are Linux's strengths is required." - Paul Flinders
"I guess the reason I get frustrated with NT is because I know it could
be better than it is, but feel that it never will be." - John Fulmer
"When it comes to defense, redundancy is the minimum." - Michael Warfield
"Linux is not beautiful. Because power means rawness. And its up to the
user to paint it. When he gets there don't get scared. Everyone has a
Picasso inside." - Unknown user from /.
"Isn't the phrase 'spicy hot wings' a bit redundant?" - Theo
"The user's computer downloads the ActiveX code and simulates a 'Blue
Screen' crash, a generally benign event most users are familiar with
and that would not necessarily arouse suspicions."
-- Security exploit description on http://www.zks.net/p3/how.asp
"I just love getting wild puzzled stares when I mention that I'm using a
computer that isn't physically in front of me..." - Michelle Vadeboncoeur
"That's why I don't like video's - no commercial to read through."
- Robert Gombert
"a company that treats its workers like people is a company that retains
its workers." - tip@enteract.com
"The random quantum fluctuations of my brain are historical accidents that
happen to have decided that the concepts of dynamic scoping and lexical
scoping are orthogonal and should remain that way." - Larry Wall
"Hey, sometimes reinventing the wheel is a good thing. Ever tried
driving on wheels from 3500 BC? :)" - Mirian Crzig Lennox
"Remember the Unix philosophy: it's better to have two tools, each good
at one thing, than one tool that is mediocre at two things..."
- H. Peter Anvin
"If users are made to understand that the system administrator's job is to
make computers run, and not to make them happy, they can, in fact, be made
happy most of the time. If users are allowed to believe that the system
administrator's job is to make them happy, they can, in fact, never be made
happy."
-Paul Evans (as quoted by Barb Dijker in "Managing Support Staff", LISA '97)
"I'm a programmer: I don't buy software, I write it." - Tom Christiansen
Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to
take effect. Reboot now? [ OK ]
"The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a
dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first." - Arno Schaefer's .sig
"Given enough time and money, Microsoft will eventually 'invent' Unix.
no chance. they only have a finite number of monkeys." - Thomas Lakofski
"If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result
of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every
victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the
enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle." - Sun Tzu
"From what I've seen and heard, Texas is an unrepentant meat-lovers
paradise. Any place that worships the almighty beef can't be *all*
that bad, can it...?" - Michael Steeves
"sendmail is a big cloud of murky sysadmin magic ... I'm still an
apprentice." - Theo
"My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium
with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a
15-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would
womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented
the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the
sort of general malaise that only the genius posses and the insane lament.
My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring,
we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag
and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. At the age of 12, I
received my first scribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastraian named Vilma
ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn
scrotum. It's breathtaking, I suggest you try it."
- Dr. Evil, from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush (Gov. of Texas)
"IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use." - Andrew Tannenbaum
"It's not you Bernie. I guess I'm just not used to being chased around
a mall at night by killer robots." - Linda from the movie "Chopping Mall"
First Law of System Requirements:
"Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about..."
"Well, we're safe for now. Thank goodness we're in a bowling alley."
- From the movie Pleasantville
"Why is there only one quote? Because the whiteboard doesn't do syntax
checking." - Prof. Finkel
"This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting." - Unknown
"Sarcasm is just one more service we offer." - Unknown
"If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cats." - Unknown
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?
"Windows 95 is the only true Operating System -- it does whatever it wants.
All others should be called Co-Operating Systems." - Unknown
"The weaknesses and the strengths of computer networking derive from the same
feature: it is easy to send messages to anyone who has access to the
network." - Donald A. Norman, The Trouble with Networks (Datamation 1/1982)
"Bah! Stop fiddling about with things you don't understand!"
- Q in the movie "License to Kill"
"Of course my password is the same as my pet's name.
My cat's name was Q47pY!3, but I change it every 90 days." - Roddy Vagg
"Argh! All right, so how am I supposed to work with Linux when
everything's already been done?! Can't these people leave some broken
MSDOS like parts so there's problems left to solve!?...." - Arjan Filius
"There's nothing wrong with [Microsoft] systems until Back Orifice
is installed. ..."
- Jason Garms, product manager for NT security at Microsoft
"A security hole isn't a security hole until someone exploits it?"
- Jeff Moyer
"Servers Break. Users complain. Life goes On." - Jesse Brown
"I don't want to go back to using Windows... It may be pretty, and easy, but
it has no depth or soul. It's like the one-night stand of operating systems.
You feel cheap after using it." - From User Friendly, 07/26/1999
"When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts,'
and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?" - Unknown
"When you use this code in your programs, be sure that make_new_child never
returns. If it does, the child will return, become a parent, and spawn off
its own children. Your system will fill up with processes, your system
administrator will storm down the hallway to find you, and you may end up
tied to four horses wonder why you hadn't paid more attention to this
paragraph." - From the "Perl Cookbook", p. 628
"A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamt by its
author." - Stephen C. Johnson
"A few days ago, I ordered a large vanilla milkshake from the drive-thru
of a fast-food restaurant. The Induhvidual taking my order asked,
'Would you like any thing to drink with that?' Thinking that this was a
good opportunity to poke fun, I said, 'Yeah, a large vanilla milkshake.'
When I pulled up to the window, I was given two large vanilla milkshakes."
- Tales of DNRC members, Dilbert Newsletter 25
"HR people are generally capable of producing swank holiday parties and
finding a dentist in your HMO group, but don't count on them to help you find
a job." - David Clark
"Even if our accounting software stops working on January 3, 2000,
you can count on us finding a way to bill you for whatever you bought
from us prior to Armageddon. Even if we have to write your invoice on
the back of bubble gum wrappers, we're going to bill you. This is the
promise our lawyers made to us and it's the same promise we're going
to make to you. It's the only thing we're going to guarantee you-but at
least we're guaranteeing something." - Hart Scientific Unofficial Y2K Statement
"And the No. 1 response that you'll need to memorize if you plan to bet
your business on Windows 2000: 'You want fries with that?'"
- Nicholas Petreley
"And just what is "UNIX' single point of failure," anyway?" Should we infer
then that Windows is better because it offers multiple points of failure?"
- David Wollmann from Linux Today
"When you're having a bad day and it seems like people are trying your
patience to no end, remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull
the trigger on a decent sniper rifle." - Erik Fichtner
"There are two kinds of security: the one that will keep your sister out,
and the one that will keep the Government out." - Bruce Schneier
"If you want to waste food, throw a vegetable." - The Drew Carey Show
"The distributions may be developed that way, but to get into the mainline
kernel you have to go through the pope." - David Parsons
"Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' -
and they ALWAYS WIN THEM." - Klingon Programmer's Manual
"Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it!
Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"
- Klingon Programmer's Manual
"One should admire Windows users. It takes a great deal of courage to
trust Windows with your data." - Unknown
"I can restrain myself from killing people." - Unknown (SAGE Life of an Admin)
"Never underestimate someone trying to help you."
- Unknown (SAGE Life of an Admin)
"With a name like 'Theo', shouldn't you be running OpenBSD? "
- Unknown person at Collective Technologies
"Today I set a motherboard on fire. Now the bizarre thing is that after
the smoke cleared it still worked." - Alan Cox
"L'etat ... C'est moo." - Unknown
"BABYLON 5! A five-mile long cement mixer of truth, pouring out the
Concrete of Nice-Nice in a long, grey ribbon into the future, to form a
***SIDE WALK OF JUSTICE!!***" - The Tick on Babylon 5
"The more I study religion, the more I become convinced that man has
never worshiped anything except himself." - Sir Richard Burton
"Anyone know of a buffer cleaning program for Linux?
Netscape! (from the back of the room)" - Aeleen Frisch at LISA '99
"People who have more power than you do are hard to subvert easily."
- Elizabeth Zwicky at LISA '99
"To teach responsibility you must give responsibility."
- Geoff Halprin at LISA '99 (quoting from unknown source)
"Low probability events do happen, which is why people still play the lottery."
- Elizabeth Zwicky at LISA '99
"I couldn't NT my way out of a wet paper bag." - Unknown at LISA '99
"That thing [the space shuttle] has the glide slope of a brick."
- Joe Ruga at LISA '99
"I have not put in a single line of code into BIND 9. And I hope that's
not why it's a thing of beauty." - Paul Vixie at LISA '99
"Perl appeals to the other side of your brain, whether that's associate,
artistic, passionate, or merely spongy." - Programming Perl
"If you're ordering from us, your miserable enough to do without spam
from strangers." - Despair.com's privacy statement
Me: "I'm a person, damnit, not a resource!"
Someone: "Would it help if I said resources are our most valuable asset?"
Me: "Oh, that's it, I'm coming over there! Don't make me kick you in
the head..."
- John West
"I had 2 cents, but I spent them. So this comment is free." - Tyson Streich
"Unfortunately, the "Can't write utmp, wtmp" message, or any other
variation is a symptom with a myriad of possible causes. The causes
could range from a bad utmp or wtmp entry to the wind blowing slightly
to the north." - Paul Carver
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its
limits." - Albert Einstein
"No boom *today*. Boom *tomorrow*. There's always a boom tomorrow."
- Ivanova from Babylon 5
ignorami: n: The BOFH art or process of folding problem lusers
into representational shapes.
"The cardinal rule at our school is simple. No shooting at teachers. If
you have to shoot a gun, shoot it at a student or an administrator."
- "Word Smart II", from Princeton Review Pub.
Bug ID : 7921, Product Data: ONTAP
Title : Not everybody approves of the beers whose names we use as code
names
Problem : A customer expressed disgust with the beer whose name we chose
as the code name for one of our releases.
Workaround: Acquire a taste for those beers we use as code names.
- From the Network Appliance Open Bugs Listing
"Be of good cheer, a 'somewhat useful' beats the hell out of a 'mostly
harmless' ;-)" - Jeff Tyler
"It's harder to use Windows for the DDoS stuff because you can't do as
much with Windows. By the same process the Yugo must be better than my
Saturn because it can't drive as fast and therefore, less accidents."
- Theo Van Dinter
"He went on to say that he was afraid to speak with me because I wrote
a Perl book and because I occassionally nibble on rubber bats and wear
leather pants ..." - Nathan Patwardhan
"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?" - W.C. Fields
"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons,
but at the very least you need a beer." - Frank Zappa
"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose." - Deep Thought, Jack Handy
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." - Dave Barry
"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's
just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer." - Homer Simpson
"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary
friend." - Richard Jeni (on going to war over religion)
"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand,
we can open all our own jars."
- Jeff Green (on the difference between men and women)
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a
twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out
there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'
and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" - Richard Jeni
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." - Tim Steeves
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading."
- Emo Philips
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are
apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Emo Philips
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Emo Philips
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Richard Jeni
"This isn't about being better, faster or cheaper. What's creating
enthusiasm around Red Hat is that we're treating the customer as an adult,
telling them that we trust them to make their own systems work."
- Robert Young, RedHat CEO on CBS MarketWatch
"Disclaimer: Author is an admited Linux Crackpot, and you should not take
financial advice from anyone with such horrendous spelling." - Tim Dion
"Clear with no chance of showers. Temperatures will hold steady at 68°F with
a humidity level of 45%. There is a slight chance of short periods of
darkness followed by frantic scurrying of labstaff personnel. Winds will be
very calm with slight gusts from the SP2 and the Midship Wall."
- http://www.cs.wisc.edu/csl/weather/
"A morning without a cup of coffee is like something without something
else...." - Unknown
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.
"It's almost like we're doing Windows users a favor by charging them
money for something they could get for free, because they get confused
otherwise." -Larry Wall, on the "commercial" version of Perl for Windows
"It's been a few years since I really looked at NFS, so you can slap
me w/a trout if this is wrong. :-)" - John Eisenmenger
"Vegetables are what food eats." - Ted Wojcik
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts only until
you realize it was your money to start with.
- Washington Post
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
- Washington Post
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
- Washington Post
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit, and the recipient
who doesn't get it.
- Washington Post
"Your mail is being routed through Germany ... and they're censoring us."
- Today's BOFH Excuse
"Old Russian women are a hardy, fearless breeed. I'd rather take on a
regiment of Viet Cong than a squad of these determined septegenerians. If
you are not wearing a hat, they will come up to you and inform you that
you are a fool."
- http://home.earthlink.net/~afabbro/russia/russianmemoirs.html
"To win, you must treat a pressure situation as an opportunity to succeed,
not an opportunity to fail." - Gardner Dickinson
"Oh mother, I've got a present for you. It's in my diaper and it's not a
toaster." - Stewie on Family Guy
"We all know engineers are way better than doctors because doctors can
only kill people one at a time while engineers can send 600 to a 1000
people screaming into Mt. Rushmore at 300 to 400 knots." - Unknown
"I'd rather see my sister in a whorehouse than my brother using windows."
- Sam Creasey
I have 3 rules. These were applied to me as a kid, and I'll apply it to mine.
(if i should be so unlucky as to have a kid ;) )
1) Don't break the law.
2) Don't get caught.
3) I don't pay bail.
rules 4 and 5 (don't play the glokenspeil, and don't get involved in a
land war in asia) are pretty self-explanatory..and i don't really have
to worry about them too much.
-- Greg Obremski
"You're not significant until someone complains about you publically."
- Theo Van Dinter
Some useful Americanizations of Korean phrases:
Kam saham nida - Thank you, appropriate wherever "thank you" might be applied
Anyang ha sayo - Hello (literally "be at peace") useful as a greeting
Mekchu hanna chu ship sheeyo - Please bring me a beer
Oori koyangee-nun pium nida - Our cat is smoking
- Larry Baker
"Gore versus Bush -- isn't that how we determine R versus X ratings?"
- Dennis Miller
"Inventing 'generic' mechanisms before you get an idea of what are they
going to be used for is an exercise in masturbation."
- Alexander Viro
"... the difference between contractors and consultants is that
contractors augment staff while consultants solve problems." - Unknown
"Internet exceeded user level, please wait until a user logs off before
attempting to log back on." - Today's BOFH Excuse
"It used to be said [...] that AIX looks like one space alien discovered
Unix, and described it to another different space alien, who then
implemented AIX. But their universal translators were broken and they'd
had to gesture a lot." - Paul Tomblin
"Your computer hasn't been returning all the bits it gets from the
Internet." - Today's BOFH Excuse
Q. How many Microsoft Engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?
A. None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness (TM) as the new
industry standard. ;)
"Any two consenting adults can rub two primes together to create a public
keypair" - R. Thayer
"Your password is too complex to decrypt." - Today's BOFH Excuse
"The Power Company is having EMP problems with their reactor."
- Today's BOFH Excuse
"If we can't keep this sort of thing out of the kernel, we might as well
pack it up and go run Solaris." - Larry McVoy
"Sorry, not tonight. I have to floss my cat." - Random Turn-down line
"I have been a happy man ever since January 1, 1990, when I no longer
had an email address. I'd used email since about 1975, and it seems to
me that 15 years of email is plenty for one lifetime." - Donald Knuth
"Cosmic ray particles crashed through the hard disk platter."
- Today's BOFH Excuse
"What the hell is this? For crying out loud, somebody throw a pie!"
- Peter Griffin on Family Guy
"routing problems on the neural net" - Today's BOFH Excuse
"the curls in your keyboard cord are losing electricity."
- Today's BOFH Excuse
"... machine rooms are generally staffed by junior-level people who may
or may not be able to tell the difference between a two-ton robotic tape
library and a really, really important Sun E4500 server. This matters
a lot when, for example, you ask that operator to powercycle the tape
library. Luckily, the operator in question called me from his cordless
phone to double-check his understanding of what a tape library is,
thus avoiding the distasteful necessity of having him brutally killed
as an example." - Benjy Feen
"My opinions are my own. My employer doesn't want them." - Unknown
"Flourescent lights are generating negative ions." - Today's BOFH Excuse
"NOTICE: alloc: /dev/null: filesystem full" - Today's BOFH Excuse
There was a young lady named Bright
Who could travel much faster than light.
She took off one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
"Neil hasn't locked and loaded anything other than a floppy disk."
- Unknown at Collective Technologies Hiring Weekend (4/29/2000)
"I don't even have to get dressed up for Halloween. I go as me." - Judge Judy
"Well, last time I checked, I wasn't a trout ..." - rei.com radio ad
"After "Happy Gilmore" I thought I'd get lots of movie parts. But all
the roles I want go to Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise." - Bob Barker
"CPU-angle has to be adjusted because of vibrations coming from the
nearby road." - Today's BOFH Excuse
"the real ttys became pseudo ttys and vice-versa." - Today's BOFH Excuse
"Yeah, that's it! I was right! It's reality that has it wrong!" - Jim Toth
"Communist revolutionaries taking over the server room and demanding
all the computers in the building or they shoot the sysadmin."
- Today's BOFH Excuse
"Robotic tape changer mistook operator's tie for a backup tape."
- Today's BOFH Excuse
"I protect home plate like a mormon girl on prom night."
- Mimi on the Drew Carey show
"You must lash out with every limb, like the octopus who plays drums."
- The Sphinx in Mystery Men
"We are number one. All others are number two or lower."
- The Sphinx in Mystery Men
"Should you get killed or injured on the job, you are required to notify
your supervisor immediately." - True Tales, Dilbert Newsletter
"My project is a bit more ambitious than yours; I'm collecting all of
the currency from every country." - Dogbert
"If you want a completely predictable and static environment, learn VMS."
- Ed Taylor
"Security is a process, not a patch" - Bruce Schneier
"You can lead a bigot to water, but if you don't tie him up you can't
make him drown." - The Psychodots
Windows: Where do you want to go today?
MacOS : Where do you want to be tomorrow?
Linux : Are you coming or what?
- June 2000 issue of Linux Journal
"Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it working again." - Unknown
"Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any."
- Zen Musings
"Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted." - Zen Musings
"It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
without your help." - Zen Musings
"It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it." - Zen Musings
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments." - Zen Musings
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes." - Zen Musings
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day." - Zen Musings
"If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it." - Zen Musings
"Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time." - Zen Musings
"Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment." - Zen Musings
"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket." - Zen Musings
"Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it
holds the universe together." - Zen Musings
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
- Zen Musings
"Never miss a good chance to shut up." - Zen Musings
"We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse." - Zen Musings
"I think there's a fine line between character flaws and whackjobs..."
-John Talbot
"Was there a category of insurance for having your boat stolen by an
unded sorcerer while the owner was away attending a demon-inspired posse?
If so the rate schedule must be interesting."
- C. S. Friedman, Crown of Shadows
There are two things in life one should always remember:
1. Never tell everything you know.
"The Excalibur accellerates at roughly the speed of plot."
- JMS about "Crusade"
"I tried once and it beat me like I was a piñata on Cinco de Mayo."
- Theo talking about installing Debian Linux
"That has more ifs than the source to Win2k." - Chris Hagerty
"Please do not blame Sendmail for every problem in the world." - Wietse Venema
"As I uploaded the resultant kernel, a specter of the holy penguin
appeared before me, and said "It is Good. It is Bugfree". As if wanting
to re-assure me that yes, it really =was= the holy penguin, it finally
added "Do you have any Herring?" before fading out in a puff of holy
penguin-smoke." - Linus Torvalds
"Blizzard is not responsible for the death and loss of your hardcore
characters for any reason including Internet lag, bugs, Acts of God, your
little sister, or any other reason whatsoever. [...] Blizzard will not, and
does not have the capability to restore any deceased Hardcore characters.
Don't even ask. La-la-la-la-la, we can't hear you ..." - Diablo II Manual
"perl is awesome, perl is great
perl gets my programs running without all the wait,
perl lets me do my job smooth as silk,
it even stays crispy in milk.." - Greg London
"It's like a monkey with his hand around a nut in a jar...he won't
let it go, but he can't get his hand out of the jar, either...."
- J. Michael Straczynski
"... you are a very evil man. Evil, evil, evil...
It's my job. It pays well and I get to work my own hours."
- J. Michael Straczynski
"Why do I always think of the perfect thing to say when it's too late?
Shut up Becky. That would have been sweet. - Marge Simpson
"Now I get it, when Bill says innovate it means buying. Blocking purchase
of Telewest by EC, limits MS's ability to innovate. Yesterday, I innovated
a book at Barnes and Nobel for $14.95." - From a post by "ac" on Linux Today
"He was like Tigger on 'ludes." - Carol Herre
"* Cool serving items ... trays, platters, vases, bowls, etc.
CAREFUL: Be careful if you either (a) have radically different tastes or
(b) have Y chromosomes." - Ed Bailey on possible wedding gifts
"screw you, I'm going to eat twice the number of onions, then pee in
my pants, and when I'm finished, if the spirit moves me, go to work for
your competition." - Michael Lewis
"T5 - knows sendmail exists, can fog a mirror" - Seann Herdejurgen
"it's so easy! you click, you kill, you loot!"
- Gonzo Granzeau paraphasing a friend about Diablo II
"Spending time with my ex-wife this weekend was more enjoyable than this
interview, but it was close." - Unknown
"Leadership is a potent combination of strategy and character.
But if you must be without one, be without strategy."
- General H. Norman Schwarzkopf
"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create
the universe." - Carl Sagan
"There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine.
It's a portal, and it takes you inside John Malkovich.
You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes ...
and then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out ...
into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike."
- From the movie "Being John Malkovich"
"We love the /dev/null device in IT, it's really fast when you back
things up to it...." - Jeff Tyler
"None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it
necessary to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert --
because no one ever considers himself expert if he really knows his
job. A man who knows a job sees so much more to be done than he has
done, that he is always pressing forward and never gives up an instant
of thought to how good and how efficient he is. Thinking always ahead,
thinking always of trying to do more, brings a state of mind in which
nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the "expert" state of
mind a great number of things become impossible."
- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
"Leary ate psilocybin cubensis in Cuernavaca and saw the beauty of the
universe; I ate goulash and saw the suckage of IT management. We both
drank crappy beer. You be the judge." - Benjy Feen
"I've always tried to teach you two things. Never let them see you bleed,
always have an escape plan." - Q in "The World is Not Enough"
"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat."
- John Lehman, Secretary of the US Navy, 1981-1987
"Every Jewish holiday is based on 3 principles: They tried to kill us,
we won, let's eat." - Bruce Villanch
"Technology makes possible work which would otherwise be unnecessary."
- Jim Flanagan
"If God didn't want us to eat animals, He wouldn't have made them from
meat." - Neill Carter
"In Dante Alegheri's (sp?) Inferno, the center four regions of hell --
reserved for the worst kind of sinners -- are made up of a gigantic frozen
ice plain.
The sinners are frozen into the ice, completely unable to move or respond
to external stimuli...
...kinda like my NT box right now. Damn." - Unknown comment from /.
"Variety is the spice of life: one day ignore people, the next day annoy
them." - A cat's guide to life
"I will confess that I look forward to the day that we have cleansed the
Universe of the Centauri and carved their bones into little fruits for Narn
children. It is a dream I have."
- G'Kar, Babylon 5 (Midnight on the Firing Line)
"I do not like Santiago. I've always thought that a leader should have a
strong chin. He has no chin, and his Vice-President has several. This to me
is not a good combination."
- Ivonova, Babylon 5 (Midnight on the Firing Line)
"... then you'll excuse me, but I'm in the middle of fifteen things, all of
them annoying."
- Ivonova, Babylon 5 (Midnight on the Firing Line)
"We've all heard the 'herding cats' analogy with regard to managing
programmers. Managing sysadmins is like leading a neighborhood gang of
neurotic pumas on jet-powered hoverbikes with nasty smack habits and
opposable thumbs. Oh, and as a manager you're a neurotic junkie puma
too, only they cut your thumbs off and whereas all the other pumas get
to drive around on their badass hoverbikes and fire chainguns at the
marketing department, YOU have to drive a maroon AMC Gremlin behind them
and hand out Band-Aids and smile a lot, when all you're REALLY thinking
about is how to get one of them to let you borrow his hoverbike for a
few minutes so you can show those fools how it's DONE." - Benjy Feen
"Note that I am a proponent of Zen in the Art of Systems Administration,
and thus believe that it's appropriate to present yourself as a beginner
in all things. This helps you keep a fresh perspective and spank the
unsuspecting at snooker." - Benjy Feen
Sinclair: Help me get him out of this.
Ivonova : Commander, we don't have a lot of time, we're cut-off from
the way we came in, we don't know if we can find another way back to
the ship before we run out of air ...
Sinclair: We can't leave him like this.
Ivonova : I know, I know ... It's a russian thing; when we're about
to do something stupid, we like to catalogue the full extent of our
stupidity -- for future reference.
- Babylon 5
"... and just one more thing. On your trip back, I'd like you to take the
time to learn the Babylon 5 mantra:
Ivonova is always right. I will listen to Ivonova. I will not
ignore Ivonova's recommendations. Ivonova is God. And -- if this
ever happens again, Ivonova will personally rip your lungs out.
Babylon control out." - Ivonova on Babylon 5
"You can start by removing your clothes.
Not without flowers and dinner." - Franklin and Ivonova on Babylon 5
"What if we take you with us? Put you on trial?
Zathras not of this time. You take, Zathras die. You leave, Zathras die.
Either way, it is bad for Zathras."
- B4 Commander & Zathras on Babylon 5 (Babylon Squared)
"Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright Brothers!"
- Stewie from Family Guy
"knock a few pedestrians down, the rest get out of your way. ;)"
- Theo, the Zen of Driving
"I wanted respect. Instead, I turned into a wishing well with legs."
- Londo Mollari on Babylon 5
"It's beyond my comprehension why anyone would attach a keyboard to a
production Sun box in the first place :-)" - Michael Wei
"Getting impressive titles isn't hard if you work for people without a clue."
- Theo about misleading "Senior Administrator" titles
"Due to budget cutbacks and the unexpected collapse of the tech sector,
we regret to inform you that the next paycheck you receive will be the
last one this millenium." - Jim Niemira (last paycheck of 2000)
"On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there." - Joe Greenseid?
"Fuel gauges seem to be difficult to design. For example, the FAA
requires aircraft fuel gauges to be accurate at one point only, when
showing EMPTY. When I am 10,000 feet in the air and the tank is empty on
my single engine plane, I have very obvious indication that it is empty.
The sudden quiet is the loudest sound you will ever hear!" - Al Hodges
"No, there are many things that make one more of an ass than this.
This was yet another in a long line of "being stupid for a minute".
Most people aren't really stupid, they're normal people that are just
stupid for short periods of time every so often. The thing to look out
for are the normal people whose short periods of stupidity run together
fairly often. ;)" - Theo
"Chevrolet is to be commended for the name choice "Avalanche" for its
upcoming SUV. An avalanche is an uncontrollable mass that destroys
anything in its path, often killing innocent victims." - Pete Lewis
"The greatest of all faults is to be conscious of none." - Thomas Carlyle
"We are used to a deep-rooted Arab tradition of democracy where results
are first declared, then elections are conducted and votes brought in
to affirm it." - Talal Salman, editor of the As-Safir newspaper in Lebanon
"Theo, if you have a minute - your foo is strong and I need some help
to comprehend..." - Eric Lofland
"Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
The chicken was involved, but the pig was committed" - Unknown
"What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?" - Dennis Miller
""Conventional wisdom holds that the Internet was made to withstand
nuclear attack." It was, but DNS was not. DNS and the Web are not the
whole Internet, and are not even critical to Internet operations. They
are critical to being able to type "mymajorcorporation.com" into a
web browser and getting back some graphics. Hence the criticality of
geographically redundant DNS servers." - Cowan, SANS Newsletter Vol 3 Num 5
"Presenting.... MIP- Men in Pain
Starring... Mr. T... Our new security advisor... pocket protectors with
an attitude! "I pity the fool who tries to break into MY firewall!""
-Don Roeber
When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my
Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.
Give a man some fire and he'll be warm for a day. Light a man on fire
and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
"The bus had no heat, blew over in the wind and used the driver's legs
as its first line of defense in an accident." - Unknown about the VW Bus
"Truly unencumbered by the engineering process."
- Unknown about the Renault Dauphine
"A side impact by a bicycle totaled my Dauphine after only one year."
- Unknown about the Renault Dauphine
"When we traded it in my wife was upset because we didn't keep it long
enough for her to buy a gun and shoot it."
- Unknown about the Cadillac Cimarron
"This car began to rust while it was still in the showroom."
- Unknown about the Dodge Aspen/ Plymouth Volare
"The stalling problem was so bad that I had to take a clockwise route
to work so I could make all right turns, and not risk stalling on a left
turn in front of oncoming traffic."
- Unknown about the Dodge Aspen/ Plymouth Volare
"I'm convinced that the body metal for this car was supplied by Reynold's
Aluminum." - Unknown about the Renault LeCar
"Like any French restaurant in America, it was overpriced, noisy, moody,
and would put you in mortal danger if you had an accident with anything
larger than a croissant." - Unknown about the Renault LeCar
"I left it unlocked overnight, and it was finally stolen. The insurance
check paid for a textbook." - Unknown about the Renault LeCar
"It was entirely possible to read a Russian novel during the pause
between stepping on the gas and feeling any semblance of forward motion."
- Unknown about the AMC Gremlin
"The car had all the quality and safety of a cheap garden tractor."
- Unknown about the AMC Gremlin
"At least it had heated rear windows--so your hands would stay warm
while you pushed." - Unknown about the Yugo
It is pitch black.
You have been eaten by a Grue.
Your score is 0 out of 400.
"I like a cold because I get to do my favorite drug which is NyQuil. I love
that stuff. What do the rest of you use, Robitussin? Robitussin, why do
you bother? Non-narcotic, sissy, pansy, bullshit." - Lewis Black
"I don't mean to alarm you, but your pants are talking to you.
I know, I was just ...
Yes, you're a busy man. I'll let you and your pants get back to business,
and I'll get back to mine." - Catherine Sakai/Sinclair on Babylon 5
"Londo, tell me... What are all these statues? Ah! Our household gods. In
a world where every day is a strugle for survival, you need all the gods you
can get. This is vincent, God of Food. and Lee, Godess of Passion. and
Mogah, God of the Underworld, and ... Protector of Front Doors. Gods by the
bushel, Gods by the pound! Gods for all occasions. ... Have I ever told you
that you are very cute for a Minbari? Oh, and you are cute too, in an
annoying sort of way. Everybody's cute... Everybody's cute! Even me...
but in purple; I am stunning!" - Londo/Ivonova on Babylon
"We had our orders. Mister, I don't care if you had a personal message
from God, complete with stone tablets; you lied to me."
- Bester & Sinclair on Babylon 5
"Everyone lies Michael. The innocent lie because they don't want to be blamed
for something they didn't do, and the guilty lie because they have no other
choice. Find out why he's lying; the rest will take care of itself."
- Sinclair on Babylon 5
"Don't mock the cookie." - Jackie Chan Adventures
"I don't get the army: they kick you out for being gay, but their big plan to
improve moral is a make-over." - Bill Maher
"Finally, gay rights are also on the ballot. So today, if you're not one of
two or three gays currently being quirky and adorable in a sitcom: I sure
hope you were quirky and adorable in a voting booth. In Nebraska and Nevada,
they're voting on proposals to ban same sex marriages. Nevada wants to ban
same sex marriages? Oh no, we wouldn't want loving homosexuals to make life
long commitments to each other... No, that would make Nevada seem -sleazy-.
Folks, in one night in Vegas, I can get married, divorced, play craps, while
simultaneously being serviced by three hookers... but I better not go pumpkin
picking with my husband, I could get arrested. On the list of things we have
to worry about, same sex marriages are on page six after "are we eating too
much garlic as a people?"" - Lewis Black on the Daily Show
"All we can really tell you is the electoral count stays the same... Bush has
taken twenty states, Gore has taken thirteen. The interesting thing is Bush
has swept the South. Alabama, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi
(that's m i s s i s s i p p i), North Carolina, South Carolina, Texas,
Oklahoma, Tennesse, Virginia... I seem to remember these states getting
together once before... I, I can't remember when... I think it was over the
ethenol tax... Oh wait, it was the Civil War."
- Jon Stewart on the Daily Show
Knock Knock,
Who's there?
Kosh.
Kosh who?
Gesundheit. - Sheridan on Babylon 5
"Well, today was Valentine's Day. Everybody got into the spirit. Former
President Clinton went by what he hopes will be his new office in Harlem, and
in honor of Valentine's Day he walked the neighborhood trying to pick up a
little chocolate." - Bill Maher
"This is a beta release of Red Hat Linux. It is not intended for mission
critical applications. It's not even intended for non-mission critical
applications. Important data should not be entrusted to Wolverine,
as it may eat it and make loud belching noises."
- RedHat Beta release "Wolverine"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A coworker talking about International Women's Day (March 8th):
This is a HUGE holiday in every Western country...except America. I was in
Russia last March and every restaurant/bar/public meeting place was busy on
March 8th. Every shop was overflowing with flowers for sale in the morning.
My wife (who is Russian) did not fail to remind me of this holiday last
week ;) This converation ensured:
Me: By the way, when is International Men's Day in Russia?
Wife: You have soldier's day (aka Victory Over Fascism Day).
Me: But what about the men who weren't soldiers.
Wife: Well, in America you have father's day.
Me: But you have Mother's Day, which cancels that one out.
Wife: It's enough for you.
Me: But-
Wife: Look, I don't make up these holidays, I just benefit from them.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I wish Unix had the same reputation for instability and random death that
windows has. That way when something breaks you guys wouldn't ask 'what
did you do' and I could get away with saying 'nothin it just crashed'.
That said please un-f--- my system." - Unknown user to IT member
"I... I'm touched. I fear you're a bit touched as well." - Benjy Feen
"You can test this theory by strapping a piece of buttered bread to
the top of a cat (butter side up) and dropping them from a few feet in
the air. On the theory that cats always land on thir feet and buttered
bread always falls butter side down, they should hover a few inches
above the floor and spin constantly." - Theo
"No animals were harmed in this production. Any resemblence to other
smoking cats, real or imagined, is purely coincidental." - Richard Basile
"Prius, the world's first mass-produced hybrid sedan, produces up
to 90 percent less harmful emissions than the average car on the road
today," said Jim Press, TMS executive vice president and chief operating
officer. "In some cities, like New York, that means the exhaust coming
out of the Prius is often cleaner than the air going into it."
- http://www.collisionweek.com/cw/news/2001-0412-toy.asp
"Besides, I wasn't envisioning building the full scale, "hurl flaming tar
filled pottery at peasants over castle walls" type of trebuchet. More
like the "hurl flaming jet puffed marshmallows at chipmunks over the
picnic table" trebuchet. :-)" - Timothy MacDonald
"Now on the plus side, Bush has supported the environment. Among other
things, he has upped the acceptable levels of arsenic in our drinking
water. Sure it may be poisonous, but it's so damn tasty. Mmmmm. Bitter
almonds! I only hope he doesn't cut funding to the poison control center.
Oh my God! I just drank tap water! What should I do?!?" - Lewis Black
"(Grefer): Argus' statement referenced in the Wired article, "In
hindsight, [the Solaris] operating system isn't even worth using
underneath [our] security software." features them as sore losers.
(Cowan): Indeed. Protecting the host from the weaknesses of Solaris is
exactly why one buys such a product. Argus' statement is akin to a secret
service agent whining that the President is not very good at ducking."
- Editor's Notes, SANS NewsBites Vol. 3 Num. 17
"This week President Bush committed the United States to building a
missile defense system, a giant outer space panty shield that would
protect us from incoming missiles while still allowing us to go swimming,
running, and horse back riding. Now I know this SDI sounds like the
lunatic product of a deranged mind, but it was actually Reagan's idea.
The thing is, back in the Reagan years it was only a bluff, a trick to get
the Soviets to cash in their chips. There was never any plan to actually
build the thing. I mean, even in "Star Wars", Star Wars didn't work:
Luke Skywalker got right in and blew up the Death Star. But you know,
you can't hate dreamers, and sometimes the unimaginable does come true.
We put a man on the moon. We harnessed the atom. We've kept Dick
Cheney alive. But what kills me, and of course eventually the rest
of humanity, is the very selective way the current administration
doles out its faith in technology. A magic force field in the sky
that's never come close to working? Sign me up for the can-do club!
But alternative energy sources? Or a non-polluting car? What are you?
Gay? I don't know if you remember, but we used to have a defense shield
over the Earth... It was called the Ozone layer. That's the Earth's
shield I'm worried about. I'm much less concerned with things coming
out of the sky than I am with things we're putting into it. And into
the water, President Arsenic. Where's Erin Brockavich when you need her?
The polar ice caps are melting. In ten years, I don't want to see an ad:
Surf Idaho! Spending gazillions on Star Wars when we continue to pretend
that global warming needs more study is such an irrational prioritizing
of one threat over another. It's like meeting a total stranger in a
bar, refusing to drink out of their glass, and then having unprotected
sex with them three hours later. God willing. Now, I know America
should have expected nothing else when it elected two oil men to supreme
power but we still deserve a little better than to made canaries in a
Republican mine where you might die but business is good. You know,
George Bush is a lot like the missile shield. He lives in a bubble and
he's failed most of his tests. But Mister President, I gotta tell you:
The planet ... is a share. And it guarantees life for no living creature.
I know all the dead dinosaurs created the oil that produced the money
that put you in charge, but take a hint from the irony gods: We're all,
as you might say, extinctionable." - Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect
"And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?"
- Dennis Miller
"Remember, the difference between God and the DBA is that God doesn't think
he's a DBA ;)" - Richard Basile
"George W. Bush takes pride in the fact that his cabinet draws from a
deep deep well of experience. With veterans from the Reagan, Ford,
Nixon, and of course, James K. Polk administrations. So it was no
surprise when President/Vice President Dick Cheney laid out an energy
plan from the past yesterday. It calls for more nuclear power plants,
more drilling for fossil fuels, and the increased burning of coal.
It's a strategy the Bush administration hopes will eliminate American's
long-term energy needs by in the long-term, eliminating Americans."
- Jon Stewart on The Daily Show
"Probability ratio 1:1. We have achieved normality. Whatever you can't
deal with is now therefore your own problem."
- HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"Here we are a hundred days into the new administration, and we're about
to start oil drilling in our national parks and gas is set to hit three
dollars a gallon. Which I guess is what President Bush meant when he
said he was results-oriented. Now I myself have been doing my part to
conserve, but that can't go on forever. For one thing, no more car
pooling with Robert Blake. Now I know some people are angry with me
for expressing not much sympathy for the little guy who's paying more at
the pump. But if everyone could just join me here in reality for a couple
of minutes ... I'd like to point out that also in last week's news was
a report that discovered that tap water is actually better than bottled
water for which we have been paying two-fifty a liter which is ten dollars
a gallon. And a gallon of Starbucks would cost ... a million dollars.
But somehow the magic fluid that lets us get in cars and travel distances
in ten minutes that a hundred years ago would take a month of planning
for ... that liquid has to be under $2 or we're outraged. Americans treat
gas like air and water. A necessary element for sustaining life that the
government simply must get for us cheap. And by cheap I mean of course:
killing Iraqis. That's a joke, I don't mean that, but plenty of people
do think that way or conveniently forget the connection, and that's one
reason I have no sympathy for the little guy. Enough little guys voted
to put in the White House two men who have both personally profitted
greatly from oil and had their campaign financed by oil. Sorry little
guy, think it through a little more next time. And while you're at it,
turn out a light once in a while before you leave a room to go drive home
in your couchmobile Ford behemoth. Americans are not just energy pigs,
they're energy slobs. Wasting it all the time, leaving it lying around
as if it's inifinte. It's not. But even at the price it's going to,
gas is still the best bargain in your life. And the only reason people
are throwing a gas tantrum is we don't like paying for things we need.
Like gas. Or postage stamps, another amazing bargain we bitch at.
We like to spend money on things we don't need like big foam fingers.
And talking plastic fish. Or a ride in the space station. This is
why I now would like to suggest to gas station owners a way to ease
the pain of this coming gas crisis. Just make the gas seem pretentious
and exclusive. And we'll gladly pay through the nose. Call yourselves:
Car Bucks. Just say it's a gas bar and package your product as a series
of blends, and have it served with a scone by a bald guy with an earring.
And really cater to the upwardly Exxon-Mobil. Put in a VIP pump and a
place to pretend you're working on a computer when you're really trying
to meet skinny college chics, and the crisis will be over. You know, it's
ironic. The feeling we love most from a car, the feeling of freedom, has
made us slaves. Slaves to cheap oil, which has corrupted our politics,
threatened the environment, had us doing the killing for royalist dirt
bags in the Middle East, and worst of all, made George Bush President.
Folks, this is a dangerous addiction we have, and faced with an addicition
to oil what do Bush and Cheney say we should do? Get more of it. Yeah,
that's right fellas. As the Anti-Clinton ticket, you have every right to
keep singing your theme song: Don't *start* thinking about tomorrow."
- Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect
"On Mon, 14 May 2001, Alan Cox wrote:
> Except that Linus wont hand out major numbers, which means I can't
> even boot simply off such a device. I bet the vendors in question
> dont think the sun shines out of linus backside any more.
>
Actually, it does. It's just that some people have gotten so blinded
by my a** that they can no longer see it any more ;)"
- Linus Torvalds and Alan Cox in a message about major device numbers
"So, the long and short of it--if you have one sysadmin, you have a
"system administrator." If you have two sysadmins, you have two "system
administrators." If you have two thousand sysadmins, you're at LISA."
- Trey Harris
"Lotus won't work, it uses a bunch of db files" (Microsoft pre-1998)
"We reorganized Exchange 2000 to scale by using multiple DB files!"
(Microsoft in 2000).
"At the beginning of Act 5, the town of Harrogath is under siege by a
tribe of demons, and the town's NPCs enlist the player to help end the
siege. It does seem kind of odd that an entire village of barbarians
wouldn't be able to fend off demons, and that my druid was the much
needed aid that turned the battle around, but I don't play this game
for the plot."
- Slashdot Article about the Diablo II Sequel
http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=01/05/23/1346232&mode=nested
"Sounds like you need to arrange a long-distance nerf hit on this guy. By
the time he hears the whistle darts, it'll be too late." - Jim Flanagan
"the difference between a terrorist and a DBA is that you can negotiate
with a terrorist" - Richard Basile
"How is holding a cell phone any different from holding a McDonald's
hamburger? I don't know. I haven't tasted a BigMac in a while. I think
it's the ketchup." - From the toyota-prius list
"Do you believe that we might last a thousand years,
and more if not for this,
our flesh and blood it ties,
you and me right up,
tie me down -- oh well.
Celebrate we will,
cause life is short but sweet for certain,
we climb on two by two,
to be sure these days continue,
things we can not change ..." - Dave Matthews, Two Step
"Integrity is doing the right thing when nobody is watching you."
- Infonaut on Slashdot
"Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and
she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has
ever known... then went crazy as a loon." - Lisa Simpson
"I don't make jokes in base 13. Anyone who does should get help."
- Douglas Adams
"If you are running Apache there is nothing to worry about, these requests
are part of the Code Red Worm virus designed to search out vulnerable IIS
servers running on Windows. However if you'd like to become vulnerable to
attacks such as this, Microsoft have a toolkit that will let to migrate
from Apache to IIS. (Allegedly the last step is append the text "3L33T
crew ownz you" to the bottom of all your web pages to save the crackers
some time)" - Apache Week Issue 255
"Warning: Any government that tries to protect citizens from every
conceivable risk must necessarily resort to tyranny."
- Randy Cassingham, This is True Mailing List
"This week the national obsession for pandering to our youth has hit a
new low when CNN, CNN please ... CNN Headline News gave themselves a
make-over including the most talked about new set since Britany Spears.
The entire broadcast has been geared to a younger, hipper demographic
with more visual effects, a faster pace ... They even hired someone from
NYPD Blue, so that at the end of every hour they can show some ass.
For me, this is the last straw because kids don't even want the news.
Kids are uneducated, spoiled, and self-involved, and because they've
never seen a dollar that didn't need spending they've already taken
over our movies, our magazines and our television networks. Please,
kids, leave us the news. We're asking for one thing in this culture to
be not about you. Allow us a haven where adults can escape the crisis
of whether or not you should get a belly ring and immerse ourselves in
the very less problematic world of war, famine, and natural disasters.
Please don't ruin CNN the way you've ruined Las Vegas, recreational sex,
and getting high. Only America would decide it's better to dumb down the
news than smarten up the kids. The average age of the CNN viewer is 58!
Do they really think that putting some busy writing on the screen will
get it down to what? 49? Kids like busy writing on the screen because
they're stupid, because they're not wise enough yet to understand the
difference between wisdom and data. You can know a lot and be very dumb.
Should we rewrite Moby Dick so the kids will read it? We could make it so
he's looking for a chick instead of a whale. Now will you read it kids?
How 'bout if we just call it Dick? Did we mention it's a sperm whale?
CNN, don't try to be cool that's why you were cool because you weren't
trying to be cool. That's what cool is, the minute you start to think
about would be cool, you're not. You're not an original then. No one
wants to see the CNN Beach House hosted by Walter Cronick and Carmen
Elektra. Come home CNN, to do otherwise would just be pandering to the
kids and that would be whacked."
- Bill Maher, Politically Incorrect 8/10/2001
"The difference between war and sex is that sex is a lot more fun ...
I don't know if you've had sex, but it's really fantastic!"
- Jake Johannsen, Politically Incorrect 8/10/2001
"I'll tell you something that steams my clams, supermarkets! I mean,
what's so super about supermarkets? They can't fly through the air,
they don't have X-ray vision, they don't rescue damsels in distress.
They look to me like plain old ordinary mortal markets. They should say
'ordinary mortal markets, come kick me!', I can't do anything about
it ... I mean it's just ridiculous! And another thing, if they have
chocolate milk, why can't they have chocolate hamburgers?"
- The Ranting Swede, Sheep in the Big City, The Agony of De-Bleat!
"Last week, talking with Victor Raisys, Microsoft's guy watching Linux,
a heated conversation -- they were playing the "There have always been a
lot of Unixes" tape for me, and I said emphatically, Linux is not Unix.
Linux is Lotus in the early days. Linux is Apple. Linux is a bright
hope that millions of young programmers have for an independent and
free future. In the past it was independence from IBM that mattered,
now it's independence from Microsoft." - Dave Winer's "DAveNet" newsletter
"Jab, Jab, Oooh. O(n log n)! Ha! Tail recursion! Thrust! Parry! "
- Jim Flanagan
"Simple, clear purpose and principles give rise to complex, intelligent
behavior. Complex rules and regulations give rise to simple, stupid
behavior." - Dee Hock, former CEO of Visa International
"Theo: Your message content is oftentimes upstaged by your randomly
generated taglines." - Jim Flanagan
"I'll tell you one thing that really clips my begonias ... Coffee
Tables! Is every beverage in the world going to want its own table now?
Oh here's the coffee table, here's the tea table, oh watch out! Here's
the lemon-flavored seltzer water table. Where's it all going to end?
I drink both root beer and diet root beer. There'll be no place in my
house for my shoes!!! And another thing, if they can put a man on the
moon, why can't they leave him there?"
- The Ranting Swede, Sheep in the Big City, "A Star Is Shorn"
"True hackers don't die, their ttl expires" - Unknown
"It takes a village to raise an idiot, but an idiot can raze a village"
- Unknown
"It makes me so mad! Why do people call these meatballs? They're not
balls; a ball you can play with, a ball is round and fun and goes
bouncy bouncy bouncy ... This? This goes to pieces when you try to
hit it with a tennis racket. It doesn't even hurt if you kick it.
These are meat lumps. These are lumps, not balls. I can't understand
it, and these are my own people doing this. I hang my head in shame."
- The Ranting Swede, Sheep in the Big City, "Be Still My Bleating Heart"
"RFI - Request for Information
RFP - Request for Proposals
RFC - Request for Comment
KFC - Kentucky Fried Chicken
OR - Original Recipe
EC - Extra Crispy"
- Jim Flanagan
"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for
the rest of your life." - Michael Sinz
"They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - Benjamin Franklin
"A leader leads from in front, by the power of example. A ruler pushes
from behind, by means of the club, the whip, the power of fear."
- Edward Abbey
"Homer: What's going on Trent? Where are you taking me?
Trent: We're going to try and save some beautiful redwoods.
Homer: Ahg! (scream)
Marge: Aren't you coming Ed?
Ed : I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go-cart,
powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction."
- The Simpsons: "Homer to the Max", with Ed Begley Jr.
"Can I count to three? I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level."
- Stewie on Family Guy
"My spleen is twice the size of a normal human spleen. This isn't
such a big deal right now, but after I'm dead ... There's going to be
a bidding war." - Dave Foley, Kids in the Hall
Q: With XP, can I burn CD's?
A: Yes, you can.
Q: Can I send email?
A: Yes, you can.
Q: Can I create an internet virus?
A: Yes, you can.
Q: Can I download female-on-female animal porn?
A: Yes, you can.
Q: Can I install XP myself without help?
A: Not f***in' likely!
- Radio ad as posted by DrCode on Slashdot
http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=01/11/08/1916230&mode=nested
"If all he had to do, going forward, was put out brush fires, he could
tread water." - Chris Hagerty
It's kind of like grandpa used to say: "People's opinions differ on
many things. It's a good thing too, or everybody would be after grandma,
and that would be a big problem." - Unknown
"Engineering does not require science. Science helps a lot but people
built perfectly good brick walls long before they knew why cement works."
- Alan Cox
"No one cares if you backup - only if you can restore."
- W. Curtis Preston, Unix Backup & Recovery from O'Reilly
"If all the girls who attended the Harvard-Yale game were laid end to end,
I wouldn't be surprised." - Dorothy Parker
"Brevity is the soul of lingerie." - Dorothy Parker
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably Man's best-friend, and inside of
a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx
"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
to understand that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."
- Ronald Reagan
"I've been too fucking busy, and vice versa." - Dorothy Parker
"Flirting is the act of making a man feel pleased with himself."
- Helen Rowland
"Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love." - Woody Allen
"You get a better class of person at orgies, because people have to keep in
trim more. There is an awful lot of going around holding in your stomach,
you know. Everybody is very polite to each other. The conversation isn't
very good but you can't have everything." - Gore Vidal
"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In
fact, I've just had a mirror placed over my kitchen table."
- Rodney Dangerfield
"As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying,
"Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients,"
but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian.""
- Dick Wilson
"I'm a practicing heterosexual, but bisexuality immediately doubles your
chances for a date on Saturday night." - Woody Allen
"Now this really annoys me: all these people getting on the Internet and
saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his
name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute." - Jay Leno
"Sen. Strom Thurmond is a living artifact; he has been alive for almost
half the history of the United States."
- http://www.uwire.com/content/topops121001003.html
"Why shouldn't I run? I'm in good health, physically and, I hope, mentally."
- Strom Thurmond, 1983
"I have done more for black people than any other person in the nation,
North or South." - Strom Thurmond, 1988
"A Statistician is a person who draws a mathematically precise line from
an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion." - Anonymous
"This post lacks any mention of beer. In addition, this post does not
contain any of the usual and vague statistics common with TALK posts.
If it did, Jim Harmon would have already reinforced said statistics using
at least three random Google searches, and Jim Flanagan would have wrote
a Perl script that lexically converts the message body to Danish using
only prime numbers and two hashes." - Chris Hagerty
"Only wimps use tape backup: _real_ men just upload their important stuff
on ftp, and let the rest of the world mirror it ;)" - Linus Torvalds
"A good rice cooker will have a hinged top and pink floral patterns on
it, btw." - Eric Lakin
"It's a question of consistency. With a Republican president, I think
you should just expect a certain amount of corruption -- And with a
Democratic president, you should expect a [ bleep ] in the oval office."
- Dave Foley on Politically Incorrect, 2001.12.07
"On another note, you need a bigger ego... If it had hit me it would've
bounced right off due to my inflated head ;)" - James Mello
"Well, President Bush visited New York today. Hillary Clinton, Senator
Clinton of course, was on the Air Force One with him. One embarrasing
moment: Bush asked Hillary what it was like going from First Lady to
one of a hundred. She said: "I don't like to talk about my husband's
sex life."" - Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect, 2001.07.10
"I want 'c' students to strive to become great, but I don't actually want
them to get there." - Jennifer Tilly on Politically Incorrect, 2001.05.22
"Well Courage, it goes to show ya: if someone takes the time to etch
a poem on a plaque... You'd better take it seriously. Especially if
it rhymes..."
- Muriel on Courage the Cowardly Dog, "The Forbidden Hat of Gold"
"Oh Yes! It's X-Agent. Faster than ... a regular sheep. More powerful
than ... a regular sheep. Able to leap a regular sheep in a single bound!
Yes!! He's X-Agent: sheep with the power of an ox!"
- Sheep in the Big City, "Hoof I Got a Surprise For Ewe"
"What are some good reasons to masturbate?
It helps you get out of bed in the morning... It gets me awake--ready to go."
- Unknown woman on Sex In Our Century, "The New Freedom"
"2. Your on-line shopping cart overflows and you get directed to the
'12 items or more' checkout."
- Top Ten Clues You Have Been Spending Too Much Time Shopping On-line
"4. Alan Greenspan thanks you for ending the recession."
- Top Ten Clues You Have Been Spending Too Much Time Shopping On-line
"If you like that sort of thing, it's the sort of thing you'll like."
- Abraham Lincoln
"I couldn't give him advice in business and he couldn't give me advice
in technology."
- Linus Torvalds, about why he wouldn't be interested
in meeting Bill Gates.
"Workaround/Solution:
Disable Active Scripting and never turn it on.
Better, do not use IE in hostile environments such as the internet."
- Georgi Guninski in a posting to Bugtraq about yet another bug in IE
"I am Mr Do. I am sedentary by nature, enjoying passive entertainment,
eating when the mood takes me, and playing with my food. I try to avoid
conflict, but when I'm angered, I can be a devil - if you force me to
fight, I will crush you. With apples."
- http://blog.ravenblack.net/quiz/videogame.pl?q=1&a=11
"The Pre-1985 Video Game Character Test was created by RavenBlack. It is
entirely in fun. Don't think you have special powers just because the test
tells you so. It is not serious, and not to be taken internally. So don't."
- http://blog.ravenblack.net/quiz/videogame.pl
"A man was in a hospital bed. Doctor said "I've got some good news, and some
bad news." The man said, "What's the bad news?" And the doctor said, "We
had to amputate both your legs." "What's the good news?" And the doctor
said, "The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.""
- Lenny Henry, Secret Policeman's Biggest Ball
"With Microsoft products, failure is not an option - it's a standard
component." - Unknown
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let me start off tonight with a note of sympathy for anyone who may
have flown on a commercial airliner today, because today, the Aviation
Security Act went into effect, and, well, tighter security and extra
screening take time. For one thing, a man tends to stand very still
when a dog's got its nose on your bag. Now, the upside, of course, is
that the new screening system is 100% foolproof. Except in cases where
the equipment doesn't work, the personnel are dimwitted or the terrorist
is willing to get on the plane with his exploding luggage, which, let's
face it, is for him half the fun. Now, the real problem here is that our
leadership doesn't have the backbone to ask us to sacrifice. You know,
for fear that their approval rating will slip all the way down to the
high 80s. They won't even exhort people to do the few simple things
that will make this experience easier for all of us, so let me.
Rule one -- pack less!
Hello? The less you take, the less they have to look at, the faster
it goes for everybody. You are not Mr. And Mrs. Howell. Decide what
you're going to wear before the trip. Don't just take the entire closet.
If you need 24 pairs of shoes for a weekend, you're a drag queen.
Two -- you know you're going to be walking through a metal detector,
so don't show up dressed like the tin man.
Leave your cowboy shirt with the snaps, your pewter belt, your steel-toed
work boots, your vulva ring -- and the bra with the underwire at home.
Don't be like the moron who stalls the supermarket line to write a check
for Chapstick. And get rid of the pocket change. Give it to a bum.
Give it to the phony nun at the curb. Throw it in the gutter. If you
really need a sticky fistful of coins that badly, maybe you should skip
the trip and go back to work.
Three -- don't bring along things you know will arouse suspicion.
The bazooka-shaped blow-dryer. The hand-grenade paperweight. Anything
with a fuse. Leave the big, round scented candle at home. It's okay.
You'll still be a lesbian when you get there. Remember that all of your
stupid toys -- the Gameboy, the disc player, the Watchman and that special
toy for women -- they all look like bombs to the G.E.D. hopeful asleep
at the X-ray machine. And the only carry-ons allowed should be a book,
diapers and insulin.
You know, we talk a lot about community now in America, but talk is cheap.
This is a real chance for us to demonstrate community, to do and not just
talk it, because being a lazy or dumb traveler now impacts everybody.
It makes everybody wait. Remember, you're getting on an airplane.
It's not a restaurant. It's not a movie theater. It's not a singles bar.
It's an airplane. We're all just trying to get from point "A" to point
"B" before that crying baby in 3C graduates from college. So get with
the program!
And if there's anything -- if there's anything we can do to make your
flight more convenient, please keep it to yourself.
Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect: Friday, January 18, 2002
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A cat spends her life conflicted between a deep, passionate and profound
desire for fish and an equally deep, passionate and profound desire to
avoid getting wet. This is the defining metaphor of my life right now."
- Cat Okita in <20020125143706.D4181-100000@iguana.reptiles.org>
"I try to avoid doing the Linux vs. Microsoft thing . . . it's not as
if I would be unbiased anyway. Asking me about Linux is like asking the
Pope about the existence of God." - Linus Torvalds
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that. - Windows Haiku
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams. - Windows Haiku
"Koalas look cuddly, but I am lead to understand that they're actually
irritable, solitary beasts who do not want belly rubs. What kind of
mocking God created creatures with poofy ears and big black noses that
don't want belly rubs?" - www.brunching.com
"In defense of President Bush, that pretzel -- it was one of the really
twisty kind." - Unknown
"Pat Buchanan is making a stir again. In his new book he claims
homosexuality is addictive -- apparently, so are intolerance and
stupidity." - Jay Leno
"Why don't the Jews ever see Moses like in a sticky bun?"
- Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stupid Fortune Cookie Statements
- remember the general rule, add "in bed" or "on the toilet" as appropriate.
Don't ask, don't say. Everything lies in silence.
He who expects no gratitude shall never be disappointed.
A new friend helps you break out of an old routine.
An ounce of gold cannot buy an ounce of time.
Passionate new romance appears in your life when you least expect it.
Unexpected romantic and financial gifts surprise and delight you!
Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.
The secret to good friends is no secret to you.
Judge not according to the appearance.
You have a keen sense of humor and love a good time.
You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
A love relationship takes on an added dimension.
You are offered the dream of a lifetime. Say yes!
We should not expect from others what we cannot do ourselves.
If a true sense of value is to be yours it must come through service.
Your family is one of nature's masterpieces.
Enthusiastic leadership gets you a promotion when you least expect it.
Look up an old friend if you're feeling down.
A setback does not mean that you have failed.
You will be presented with a difficult choice. Take your time with it.
You will make a sudden rise in life.
Many new friends will be attracted to your friendly and charming ways.
Find release from your cares, have a good time.
The best exercise for the heart is to reach down and help someone up.
Your skill will accomplish what the force of many cannot.
You will be wise not to seek too much from others.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I love drag queens, you can take 'em to dinner and then dancing, and if you
get a flat on the way home, they can help you fix it."
- Dave Attell, Insomniac "Miami"
"Fishing is like magic that can kill you."
- Dave Attell, Insomniac "Miami"
"Before his State of the Union speech, the president's niece was arrested
for trying to fill a fake prescription for the anti-anxiety drug Xanax. If
you're not familiar with Xanax, the best way to describe it is, after
taking three or four with a wine cooler, you become a really, really
compassionate conservative." - Bill Maher, Politically Incorrect
"Never trust any computer you can lift." - Gordon Wolfe
PET ROCKS
Probably the only pet easier to move than a turtle. Be careful not to let
your pet rock out of its box while you are driving the car. It's simply too
easy for them to cause an accident by slipping under your gas or brake pedal.
- https://www.moversguide.com/mgservice/SimpleJsp?pid=100003
"If worse comes to worse, we're screwed." - Bob Lazarus
"I have to be asleep by one in the morning because my dreams start
whether or not I'm asleep." - Bob Lazarus
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game monopoly."
- Bob Lazarus
"I make wine out of raisins so it's aged automatically." - Bob Lazarus
"Is there a space between the wall and paint?" - Bob Lazarus
"Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests." - Bob Lazarus
"I was up all night trying to round off infinity." - Bob Lazarus
"I think Ultra Slimfast powered the SCUD missile." - Bob Lazarus
"Ever notice when a house burns down, the only thing left is the fireplace
and the chimney?" - Bob Lazarus
"I like to water my plants with ice cubes just to tease them."
- Bob Lazarus
"Menu Boy no be coward like shrimp, Menu Boy be brave like prawn."
- The Simpsons, "Lisa the Tree Hugger"
"I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean." - G. K. Chesterton
"President Bush finished his trip to Japan today with a luncheon with
the Emperor. Emperor Akihito. It was a perfect match, Bush showed
the Emperor his plans for an invisible global missile shield, and the
Emperor showed Bush his new clothes..."
- Bill Maher, Politically Incorrect, 2002/02/19
"President Bush met with Pakistani President Musharraf today. And you
could tell Bush has limited experience with Pakistanis. Every time the
conversation with Musharraf came to a stop, Bush would ask him to turn
off the meter."
- Bill Maher, Politically Incorrect
"The frame comes in your choice of colors, so long as your choice is black."
- From Amazon.com about the Ceiva picture frame
You will soon learn the secrets of butterflies.
Their stark, unrelenting malice will drive you gibberingly insane.
(from The Onion's weekly horoscope for Gemini)
"I think my standards have lowered enough that now I think 'good
design' is when the page doesn't irritate the living fuck out of me."
- Jamie Zawinski
"Paleontologists in China have unearthed the very first fossil of a dinosaur
with feathers. Either that or they stumbled across Phyllis Diller."
- Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect, 2002/03/07
"I have a simple test to determine if any windows executable that I
received via E-mail is a virus or not: If I received it, it's a virus."
- Charlie Watts on the SpamAssassin mailing list
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:
But Mr. Dent, the plans have been available [and on display] in the
local planning office for the last nine months.
On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them.
That's the display department.
With a flashlight.
Ah, well, the lights had probably gone.
So had the stairs.
But look, you found the notice, didn't you?
Yes, yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing
cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying
"Beware of the Leopard."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor
do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no
safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring
adventure, or nothing." - Helen Keller
"C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder,
but when you do, it blows away your whole leg."
- Bjarne Stroustrup
"Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just
sit there." - Will Rogers
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The year was two thousand nineteen, and I was just a lowely robot arm working
in an automotive research lab. I was working on Project Satan, a savage
intelligent military vehicle built from the most evil parts of the most evil
cars in all the world. The steering wheel from Hitler's staff car, the left
turn signal from Charles Manson's VW, the windshield wipers from that car
that played Knight Rider.
Knight Rider wasn't evil.
His windshield wipers were. It didn't come up much in the show though.
- Calculon and Fry in Futurama, "The Honking"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The smart thing to do is not always the right thing to do. If you do
the right thing, you are damn smart."
- Apreche in http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=02/03/31/2230239&mode=nested&tid=123
"One World, One Web, One Program" - Microsoft Ad
"Ein Reich, Ein Volk, Ein Fuhrer" - Adolf Hitler
Hint: "Volk" (german) == "people" (english)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So do you know what I'm going to do before I do it?
Yes.
What if I do something different?
Then I don't know that.
Cool... Cool... I bet a lot of people pray to you, huh?
Yes, but there are so many asking so much. After a while, you just sort of
tune it out.
You know, I was God once.
Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died.
It was awful. I tried helping them, I tried not helping them... But in the
end, I couldn't do them any good. Do you think what I did was wrong?
Right and wrong are just words. What matters is what you do.
Yeah, I know ... That's why I asked if what I did ... Oh forget it.
Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependant on
you, and if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch,
like a safe cracker, or a pick-pocket.
Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money ...
Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right,
people won't be sure you've done anything at all.
- Bender and God, Futurama, "Godfellas"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
stupidity." - Hanlon's Razor
"Censorship is the strongest drive in human nature; sex is a weak second."
- Phil Kerby
"To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we
are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic
and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
- Theodore Roosevelt, 1918
"So, when one of Microsoft's fine products is riddled with security holes,
apologists blame the systems admins for not being competent.
When deriding superior, free alternatives, they claim any baboon can
administer Microsoft products.
I'm failing to see the value proposition in a range of products which
allow idiots to render a business vulnerable to serious damage."
- rodgerd in http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=31131&cid=3347631
"You are in a twisty little maze of Sendmail rules, all confusing."
- jon schatz in <1019199094.12252.4.camel@valium.divisionbyzero.com>
"In response to Jerry Falwell's statement that God has lifted his hand
from protecting America because of the beliefs of the Gays, the
Abortionists, Planned Parenthood and the People for The American Way,
Lewis Black said he himself got a call from God and was told the reason
God had lifted his hand temporarily from protecting America was because
of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson." - Lewis Black, September 2001
"It's one thing if government pork directly benefits me, but a quarter
million dollars to fight Goth culture in Blue Springs, MO? Hey! If you
want to fight the Goths, I know a couple of Huns and Mongols who'll do
it for free!" - Lewis Black, The Daily Show
"If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it ought to be good enough
for the children of Texas." - Texas Governor Miriam "Ma" Ferguson, 1924
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let me start off by saying, folks, I have been a little confused lately,
and in a moment, I'm gonna ask this panel to help me sort it out, but
what is puzzling me is this:
Is the rhetoric about the war on terrorism that we have listened to
lately, you know, with us or against us, civilization at stake, nation
at war, evildoers -- Is that still on?
Because, you know, if civilization is at stake, things look an awfully
lot like they did back when it wasn't.
I mean, you know nothing has changed when last week, we got back to the
time-honored American tradition of marrying off two complete strangers
on national television.
"The Bachelor." I guess no one saw it. It was on ABC.
Okay, President Kennedy said that in defense of liberty, we should pay
any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend and
oppose any foe.
And we feel the same way today, except for the part about the price,
the burden, the hardship, the friend and the foe.
We are winning, or appear to be winning, this war so far because of one
thing: we have a kick-ass Army.
But what did we do? We put a flag on our car. Except for the people
who put two big ones on either side. Like they're Rommel on the way to
the front.
Anyway, the idea of trading in big SUVs for cars that use less Saudi
Arabian terrorist-funding oil is seen as some kind of an attack on the
Bill of Rights, but if, as the President said, civilization is at stake,
and energy supply is a matter of national defense, then the "I can
have exactly what I want and when I want it because I'm an American"
doctrine ...
That still stands? I mean, can you imagine the World War II generation
who happily lived with rationing books and massive home-front upheavals
like women working?
Can you imagine someone in the middle of the tin drive saying, "I'm an
American, it's my right to use all the damn tin I feel like"? But not us.
Yes, nothing was asked of us, and we delivered.
The eyes of a worried nation turned to Washington, D.C., and asked,
"How can I not help any more than I already have? What can I not do?"
And we got our answer -- "Keep shopping, mister."
On that fateful day last September, those who would rejoice in our
annihilation woke a sleeping giant, but just long enough for that giant
to break wind and roll back over.
We heard civilization itself was at stake, and we said, "Steak?
I love steak!"
Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect: Friday, May 03, 2002
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Music is religion. Karaoke is a cult." - Bass Ale Commercial
"I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time coming
up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve you being
a dumbass." - Bill Paul (wpaul@FreeBSD.org)
"To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in
doing it." - G.K. Chesterton
"It works on every level," says [Larry] David, who is married to a
staunch environmentalist. "I'm doing something good, and my wife has
sex with me more often."
- http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A2587-2002Jun5.html
[Rob] Reiner agrees. "If it was made clear to people that we could win
the war on terrorism by driving a hybrid car, that we could stop global
warming by driving a hybrid, I think people would do it," he says. "But
people haven't made those kind of connections."
- http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A2587-2002Jun5.html
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
C) The Eskimos drink very little wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
D) However the Italians drink large amounts of wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that
kills you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
running the post office." - Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
"Just 'cuz I don't have an IP doesn't mean I'm not on your network."
- Mike Poor
"I didn't have Scotch Tape for many years, but I sure as hell use it now."
- Larry Young, 2002/06/16, discussion about not having email
"... born during the barbeque hey-day of the fifties, gas grills combine
two favorite American obsessions: convenience and setting things on fire."
- Alton Brown, Good Eats, "Grill Seekers"
"NASA scientists say they've developed a new plan that would prevent
the Earth from overheating due to global warming. They want to move
the planet a little further away from the sun. They said that they
would use rockets to deflect comets that fly close to the Earth and use
the gravitational pull from those comets to move the Earth a little
further back from the sun. They said the only drawback, one of the
comets could hit the Earth and destroy it. That's a much better idea
than just trying to save energy!" - Jay Leno, The Tonight Show, 06/17/2002
"Just wanted to let you know that pubexchange is down, something caught
on fire inside the box." - Random problem ticket at work
"Can I tell you something? The seventy virgins thing -- is overdone.
Because around four or five virgins in, you're looking for a pro."
- Dennis Miller, Politically Incorrect 2002/06/19
"Now as I mentioned at the top of the report, the court's vote was six
to three. Dissenters of the decision included Chief Justice William
Rehnquist, Antonin Scalia, and therefore, Clarence Thomas."
- John Stewart, The Daily Show 2002-06-24
"We use a NetApp 820 with Oracle8i (running on win2k)- The machine
itself is amazing. Fast, reliable, smarter than us when it breaks,
and support is great."
- JoAnne Martone in <006901c21ddf$11bd8220$86a77780@oit.ads.umass.edu>
"Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important
than any other." - Abraham Lincoln
"As the Americans learned so painfully in Earth's final century, free flow
of information is the only safeguard against tyranny. The once-chained
people whose leaders at last loose their grip on information flow will
soon burst with freedom and vitality, but the free nation gradually
constricting its grip on public discourse has begun its rapid slide
into despotism. Beware of he who would deny you access to information,
for in his heart he dreams himself your master."
- Alpha Centauri, Commissioner Pravin Lal, "Librarian's Preface"
http://www.firaxis.com/smac/lal.cfm
"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and
to the extent that we respect his opinion that his wife is beautiful
and his children, smart." - H.L. Mencken
"The highest patriotism is not a blind acceptance of official policy, but
a love of one's country deep enough to call her to a higher standard."
- George McGovern
"The liberty of a democracy is not safe if the people tolerate the
growth of private power to the point where it becomes stronger than the
democratic state itself. That in its essence is fascism Ñ ownership of
government by an individual, by a group or any controlling private power."
- President Franklin D. Roosevelt
"[The corporate mass-media] serve to divert the unwashed masses and
reinforce the basic social values: passivity, submissiveness to authority,
the overriding virtue of greed and personal gain, lack of concern for
others, fear of real or imagined enemies, etc.
The goal is to keep the bewildered herd bewildered. It's unnecessary
for them to trouble themselves with what's happening in the world. In
fact, it's undesirable -- if they see too much of reality they may set
themselves to change it." - Noam Chomsky
"Well, here we are, almost a full month into the new year and I'm still
writing "I can't believe George W. Bush is the president" on all my
checks..." - Dennis Miller
"Can not say. Saying, I would know. Do not know, so can not say.
Very damaged. Zathras can never have anything nice."
- Zathras, Babylon 5, "War Without End I"
"Ready?
Why do your people always ask if someone is ready right before you're
going to do something massively unwise?
Tradition." - Sinclair and Delenn, Babylon 5, "War Without End I"
"This guy's got his head so far up his ass, his body's a hat."
- Jimmy Pardo, Comedy Central Presents
Whatever happened to autumn? Whatever happened to temperatures drooping
before the winter chill? Whatever happened to a nation that proclaimed
itself concerned about global warming but has since walked away from
treaties protecting the environment?
- Lewis Black
paraphrased in "Normality returns in the sound of laughter"
by Michael Olesker, January 8, 2002
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...
"Whenever we engage in a military operation, and certainly one of this
magnitude, we look to our U.S. allies for guidance," said Manley.
"But... but we were going to invade the U.S.," said Toronto MP Tony Ianno.
"Oh, ah," said Manley.
...
"So, if we are short by about 1.9 million soldiers, how, exactly, were
we going to pull this invasion off?" asked Ontario MP John Godfrey. "Were
we just going to use smoke?"
"And mirrors," said Henault. "Lots and lots of mirrors."
...
"That smoke won't clear for days, so I'll bet we could find really good
hiding places," said Keyes. "They'll never find us."
Godrey, however, argued such an effort was unnecessary. "We're in Canada,"
he said. "Most Americans can't find us now."
http://www.satirewire.com/news/july02/canada_invasion.shtml
Regarding Canada's planned invasion of the US
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You don't write for the money, because if you do, you're a monkey.
You don't write for the fame, because if you do, you're a monkey.
You don't even write because you like to write, because if you do,
you're still a monkey. You write because to NOT write is suicide."
- Stephen King
"Cheney and Bush want privacy for their conversations, but not for anyone
else's." - Tony Mauro in USA Today, Feb. 27, 2002
"Fruit, what's that?
It's a thing you eat when you feel like you need to have fruit."
- Dave McClelland and Chris Smith
"Here's the only thing I know that makes any sense when it comes to
money: find what you enjoy doing, find what moves you to passion,
find what you can't *not* do, and the miraculous thing about it is,
if you're half decent at it, and dedicate yourself to getting better,
and keep at it, after a while, sonuvagun, you can almost always find a
way to make a living off it. Well, before taxes, anyway."
- J. Michael Straczynski
"Have you paged him?
Yes, he hasn't answered ...
Well, page him again. It's like a defibrillator -- you don't stop after
just one time!"
- Theo and Brian O'Neill, 2002.07.15
"I would never have sex with a cow. Cause that is wrong, and I am
lactose intolerant." - Dave Attell
"What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat
blows, a Republican sucks." - Lewis Black, Comedy Central Presents
"Yeah ... You can give pilots guns ... or here's an idea: Why don't you
make damn sure the airport is secure!?!?"
- Lewis Black, The Daily Show 2002.07.17
"I see! So the cockpits are going to be filled with drunks with guns ...
Co-pilot, switch seats with me! I can't get another DUI! and if the
cop gets nosy, plug him!" - Lewis Black, The Daily Show 2002.07.17
"Now the NRA and the Pilot's Union support the bill [allowing US pilots to
carry guns], but you know who thinks it's a bad idea? George W. Bush.
That's right -- the former governor of a state populated by bounty
hunters, and the people they're looking for."
- Lewis Black, The Daily Show 2002.07.17
"A CAT scan should take less time than a PET scan. For a CAT scan,
they're only looking for one thing, whereas a PET scan could result in
a lot of things." - Carl Princi, 2002/07/19
Bob: I didn't know you smoked.
Nick: Just after sex, Bob. I'm trying to give it up.
Bob: Well, at least you don't smoke that much.
Nick: About a pack a day.
Bob: That'll kill ya!
Nick: Bob, it won't kill ya. But it will make you very sore.
- From the movie "Real Men"
"We had no idea that part of our AAA dues were being spent on lobbyists who
oppose just about everything having to do with public transportation. If
AAA thinks that it's a good idea for every single person to get to work
in 3000 pounds of iron, we sure don't want to help support such a silly
idea. Cars stink. Everybody knows that." - Tom Magliozzi
"Racks with doors are for people with too much floor space to waste."
- John Stoffel in <15677.48989.843482.662046@gargle.gargle.HOWL>
"In USA Today, a new survey reports that seventy-nine percent of Americans
said that rudeness is a serious national problem. The other twenty-one
percent told the survey takers to "screw off.""
- Conan O'Brian, The Conan O'Brian Show, 2002.07.24
"Celine Dion's record company issued a warning saying that playing
Celine's new album on your computer's CD-ROM drive could cause your
computer to crash. And if nothing else, it will cause your computer to
lose all respect for you."
- Conan O'Brian, The Conan O'Brian Show, 2002.07.24
"Meanwhile the US military officials are looking for their next target
in the war on terrorism. Today President Bush restated his commitment
to the war on terror, saying, "You're either with us, or against us,
or, in the case of Saudi Arabia, both."" - Bill Maher
"One of my youngest employees once said `How does it feel managing someone
young enough to letch after your daughter?' I replied `How does it feel
to make insinuating remarks about the daughter of the guy who writes
your annual review?'" - Steve Simmons in <20020726192039.GA11254@lokkur.dexter.mi.us>
"A computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart
things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to
do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a dangerously perfect
match." - Bill Bryson.
"My job is like an airplane pilot's -- when I'm doing it well, you might
not even notice me, but my mistakes are often quite spectacular."
- Unknown
GEEK: (geek) N. You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
"You can not make history, you can only hope to survive it."
- G'Kar on Babylon 5, "Rising Star"
"Where are all the great pot head writers? There aren't any. Because no
one wants to read a book about the most delicious twinkie."
- Dave Attell, Insomniac, New York City, 2001
"Kluge.net belongs to Theo, my ex-roommate from Worcester, who I can say
with some measure of admiration, is insane."
- Alan Caulkins, http://www.maxint.net/~fatman/
"It's flavorless, colorless, odorless ... It's a veritable ninja."
- Alton Brown, The Art of Darkness, talking about Powdered Gelatin
"When proteins get hot they tend to tangle up tighter than teenagers at
a dance. And when they bond up tight enough, they over coagulate. And
when they over coagulate, they can curdle. And any cook or parent will
tell you that leads to trouble."
- Alton Brown, Good Eats, "Good Milk Gone Bad"
Alton Brown:
Stand there. There are a lot of features in today's toasters. But if
you're really shopping for one, there are a few things you definitely
want to look for. For instance, see this? That's a cancel button in
case you change your mind. You just hit that, it's all over with.
Uh, I like to have a defrost feature, you know, for frozen foods,
frozen waffles, things like that. Oh, a cool-touch chassis so it
won't heat up even after repeated toastings. Oh, a good set of
ejectors is nice. And a place to coil up ... I got it, Paul ... a
place to coil up the extra cord on the bottom. And most of all,
you want to have at least 6 to 7 browning settings.
Paul Merchant:
I made this one. It goes to 11.
Blair McGuffin:
Why not just make 10 higher?
PM: But, it goes to 11.
AB: Okay, hey, hey. You know what? Time out, Paul. Time out.
- Good Eats, "Behind The Bird"
"That dingo ate my belly." - Alton Brown, Good Eats, "Scrap Iron Chef"
"Slicing a warm slab of bacon is a lot like giving a ferret a shave. No
matter how careful you are, somebody's going to get hurt."
- Alton Brown, Good Eats, "Scrap Iron Chef"
Alton Brown:
Now, wet stuff does not like sticking to other wet ... stuff. It's
one of those universal axioms that keeps the galaxy from ripping
itself to shred and dissolving into the void.
Marsha Brown:
That's funny. I could have sworn that was gravity.
Alton Brown:
That's one of them, too.
- Good Eats, "Fry Hard"
Daniel Stillman:
And on Mount Everest it's 156° Fahrenheit.
Alton Brown:
156? Wow, it must be tough to get a hard boiled egg on Everest.
Mountain Climber:
Yeah, but at that temperature you can reach right in and grab it.
AB: Reach right in and grab it? Oh, like Daryl Hannah did
in Blade Runner.
DS: She was a replicant. It didn't count!
AB: You got beat up a lot in school, didn't you?
- Good Eats, "Urban Preservation I: Jam Session"
[speaking of boiling temperatures]
"Now really last but not least, two smashed and chopped cloves of
garlic. . . . Now, why garlic? Hey, garlic don't need no reason."
- Alton Brown, Good Eats, "Pork Fiction"
"Candy making is basically the manipulation of sucrose by heat. Um, taffy,
jawbreakers, fudge, divinity, butterscotch are all made possible by the
fact that between 230 and 350 degrees plain old table sugar, sucrose,
goes through more changes than a teenager during prom week."
- Alton Brown, Good Eats, "Citizen Cane"
"For those of you who might have grown up in the city, these are cattle."
- Alton Brown, Good Eats, "Steak Your Claim"
Alton Brown:
You like my drawing? You like my cow drawing?
Mel Coleman:
Yeah, that's a pretty good square cow.
AB: Would a steer have a nose ring ...
MC: Uh, ...
AB: ... these days?
MC: Not on our ranch, no.
AB: Uh, not on your ranch, no. Not on mine either.
MC: Now, these are antennas I guess.
AB: Uh, yeah. Those are antennas, Mel.
MC: AM and FM.
AB: Um, thanks a lot, Mel. That makes me feel great.
- Good Eats, "Steak Your Claim"
Alton Brown:
Heh, good for steak?
Sally Bernhardt:
No, this a candy thermometer.
AB: Okay, how about this little guy? This looks ...
SB: That's a cappuccino frother thermometer so you don't burn the milk
in your cappuccino.
AB: You're joking.
SB: No, I'm not.
AB: How have I lived without that all this time?
- Good Eats, "Steak Your Claim"
[in reference to thermometers]
"Now, medium starch potatoes do look kind of like Russets but they always
have [a] lighter kind of thinner skin. Now, varieties like this Yukon
Gold, Kennebecs, Superiors or, say, these California Longs are for some
reason always marketed as white. Racism. It's ugly. Even in tubers."
- Alton Brown, Good Eats, "This Spud's For You"
"See, there's still a lot of heat in there. That rice is still cooking. You
open that lid now, whew, that rice will miss it's one shot at all it
can be and believe me, a grain is a terrible thing to waste."
- Alton Brown, Good Eats, "Power To The Pilaf"
[on cooking pilaf]
"[handing an apple to a doctor] Here you go. This should keep you away
from yourself for at least a day. How do you like them apples?"
- Alton Brown, Good Eats, "Apple Family Values"
Paul Merchant: Yeah. Today's new generation of toasters, uh, utilizes ...
Alton Brown: Keep calm, keep calm.
PM: ... quartz technology. Uh, they have heating bars, they have
micro-coils, uh, sensors. They can think for themselves.
AB: Yeah, well.
SM: I thought toasters had two slots.
PM: Uh, but the single slot is far more flexible. You can toast up to
three bagels, a large slice of rye, ...
AB: Keep calm.
PM: ... pita halves, pound cake, waffles, [getting more excited] flounder,
even ...
AB: Okay, okay, okay. Just stand here a second.
- Good Eats, "Behind the Bird"
Alton Brown: Mom, where did you get a helicopter?
Mrs. Brown: It's Emeril's. I called him. He's the nicest guy.
AB: Emeril has a helicopter.
MRS: A V-22 Osprey.
AB: [sigh]
- Good Eats, "Behind the Bird"
"Now pushing sugar to the limit doesnt take much skill. But nerves of
steel are a plus, because basically youre playing chicken with the sugar.
You see, you want it dark, really dark cause thats where the roasty,
toasty flavors are. But things are moving so fast now that if you answer
the phone, yell at the dog, see whos at the door, stop to take a picture
of that UFO or brush that tarantula from your shoulder you could end up
with a pan load of carbon.
Now its getting darker. Darker. But wait. Wait. Dont look at the UFO.
[UFO flies by] Wait. Then the instance you see wisps of smoke coming
from the surface of the pot you go to action. Removing it from the heat
and at arms length dumping in your cream. Whew. What a rush."
- Alton Brown, Good Eats, "Citizen Cane"
on converting sugar to caramel
Alton Brown:
Exactly. The butterfat reacts with the oxygen either from the air or
in the water inside the butter itself to create butyric acid. That
leads to rancidity and rancidity and tastes like ...
Judge Eato:
Yak back.
AB: Old, wet Yak back to be exact.
- Good Eats, "The Case For Butter"
[discussing butter oxidizing]
Judge Eato:
What exactly is this shallot?
Alton Brown:
Well structurally it's like, well, imagine if an onion and head of
garlic got together and got married and had a kid.
JE: Is that legal?
- Good Eats, "The Case For Butter"
Alton Brown:
Now follow this with three tablespoons of assorted fresh herbs. I
like thyme, rosemary and sage.
Judge Eato:
I just love that song.
AB: That's nice.
- Good Eats, "The Case For Butter"
"As far as the fire? Ah, forget about it. It's going to go out. That's
what fires do." - Alton Brown, Good Eats, "Grill Seekers"
AB: Hey, what's up, Chuck?
C: Yo, Mr. Brown. This is the pot roast aisle, right?
AB: Well, there's not really a pot roast aisle per se ...
C: Well, 'cuase it's Thursday night and Thursday night is
pot roast night at mom's. She usually make's it Thursday nights.
AB: Why isn't she making it tonight?
C: She's gone. Mom's gone.
AB: Oh, man. I ... Chuck, I didn't know. Was it her ticker?
C: Branson, Missouri.
AB: Oh, she ditched you for Tony Orlando. That's harsh.
C: Yeah. And on pot roast night, too.
AB: Whof. Tie a yellow ribbon around that.
- Good Eats, "A Chuck for Chuck"
"So on one hand, honey is an amazingly sophisticated and efficient food
source. On the other hand it's bee backwash."
- Alton Brown, Good Eats, "Pantry Raid IV: Comb Alone"
"Okay. I'll take the barrette for sure. I gotta have that barrette. And,
um, that pillow, that "I'd rather be in Paris" pillow. Oh, yeah. That's
nice. Um, the Jerry Lewis box set and, uh, oh is that a French for Stupid
American Cooks? Definitely need one of those. Oh yeah. That'll be
great. I'll take this bumper sticker and one of these, one of these
flags. Hey, is that one of this grill medallions under there? Yeah,
I want one of those for my ... and a key chain."
- Alton Brown, Good Eats, "Crêpe Expectations"
[At the Franco-Mart]
Shirley Corriher:
Have you tried other pans?
Alton Brown:
But Shirley, I've tried every pan in the joint.
SC: Did you try a crêpe pan?
AB: I don't have a crêpe pan. Do I need one?
SC: Are you making crêpes?
AB: I'm trying to.
SC: Bingo. Alton, honey, I gotta to go. I've got another chef on the
other line and he's already taking off his clothes.
- Good Eats, "Crêpe Expectations"
[Discussing Crêpe Pans]
Alton Brown: Don't thank me, Chuck. I'm only here because a bet's a bet.
Patty: Ha. I guess you didn't know about Chucky being National Junior
Wacky Golf Champion four years running.
AB: No. I regrettably let my Wacky Golf Weekly expire.
- Good Eats, "Squid Pro Quo"
"There are all of these warnings and incantations and unnatural rituals
and everything's veiled in this threat of "you mess with the mayo,
the mayo mess with you, man." - Alton Brown, Good Eats, "Mayo Clinc"
"He's cut so many fish that he can't even go to the beach for fear
of retribution." - Alton Brown, Good Eats, "Hook, Line & Dinner"
"That's the logical thing, but logic and show business rarely dine at
the same table." - J. Michael Straczynski
"I can't remember what television was like before TiVo. It takes all
the worry out of keeping up with my favorite shows and often surprises
me with a game I didn't know about. TiVo is the Royale with cheese of
the new millennium!" - Samuel L. Jackson
"Nineteen terrorists in six weeks [were] able to command three hundred
million North Americans to do away with the entirety of their civil
liberties that took seven hundred years to advance from the Magna Carta
onward. The terrorists have already won the political and ideological
war with one terrorist act. It is mindboggling that we are that weak
as a society." - Rocco Galati
"All [replacing of fat] does is lead to dissatisfaction and I think that
dissatisfaction results in overeating."
- Alton Brown
http://interviews.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=02/09/12/1241242
"She cooked breakfast this morning, and I didn't know dead people cooked
breakfast," Vonree Nelson said.
- http://www.thebostonchannel.com/news/1664894/detail.html
"It can be done better, it should be done better. But it won't be unless
we complain about it."
- Steve Simmons in <20020923152416.GA28800@lokkur.dexter.mi.us>
"See, plastic and fats have certain molecular similarities, which is why
it's so hard to get say ... bacon fat off of a bicycle seat."
- Alton Brown, Good Eats, "Salad Daze"
"You can't run sausage backwards through a meat grinder and end up with
a whole pig."
- Tim Peoples talking about the irreversability of UNIX password encoding
"Right after I got married to my wife. We went grocery shopping together
for the first time. She got very confused. Apparently she went shopping
for meals and I went shopping for ingredient for meals."
- Jeff Haynes in <IGEGJFJGHHNOPFECEHLHAEHLCGAA.jhaynes@hq-veritech.com>
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful citizens can change the
world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." - Margaret Mead
"my cooking rules of thumb include #1 never ever try that flip the
skillet thing unless my siberian husky is around waiting to help me clean
up. because no matter how good you get at flipping things by throwing
them in the air every now and then you will lose it. it is just so much
easyer to turn your back to go get a towel or a mop and come back to a
sparkling clean floor and a very satisfied looking dog."
- "David" in <ao346t+2v65@eGroups.com>
"A two party system is kind-of like a two stroke engine. Alot is wasted
in the form of noise and hot, noxious gasses."
- Jim Flanagan in <Pine.LNX.4.05.10210222224000.5098-100000@tensegrity.net>
"The roaring naughts are the age of rules and policies, baby - get with the
program as they say. Lesse, lemme recount a few -- if an email contains
less than 1m, send it to my watch; if its an mpeg or graphics file,
send it to my media server and let it figure it out; if its anything
microsoft, send it my handheld - its probably work related -- and if its
got the words: sex, drugs, or rock and roll, send it to all of them,
baby, cause I'm a wild and crazy guy with 'lectronic stuff, man, and
I'm comin' to yer town ----"
- Mike Peckar in <NGBBLFHNEDCOLLJANLHIGEFACIAA.fog@fognet.com>
"Speech is conveniently located midway between thought and action, where
it often substitutes for both."
- jACL on Slashdot, comment #4594955
'In the new commercials for MSN 8, a guy dressed in a Microsoft
Butterfly costume drops out of a "cocoon" ... nobody at
Microsoft ... knows that a butterfly doesn't emerge from a
cocoon, but a chrysalis -- moths come from cocoons ... "this
should not be all that surprising since Microsoft seems to
have problems recognizing bugs ..."' - Cringely
"I feel like such a free spirit, and I'm really enjoying this so-called
Iced-Cream." - C. Montgomery Burns, the Simpsons
"Only stupid people think they should throw away old proven concepts. ...
I'm only arguing against stupid people who think they need a revolution
to improve - most real improvements are evolutionary."
- Linus Torvalds, http://kerneltrap.org/node.php?id=521
"Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy?
I don't know and I don't care." - William Safire
Suburbia, (n): Place where people cut down trees and name streets
after them.
"Senator Helms went on to say that President Clinton would need a
bodyguard if he ever went to North Carolina. Helms later claimed that
reporters misunderstood him through his hood."
- Dennis Miller, Dennis Miller Live (1994, Jerry Seinfeld)
"In thirteen years with the bureau I've discovered that there's no
amount of money, man-power, or knowledge that can equal the person you're
looking for being stupid."
- Agent Casper, The West Wing, "Bartlet for America"
"Food 911 is an entertaining show in which a dreamy host comes into
your kitchen and helps you correct a culinary disaster. We've watched
it enough to see that about two-thirds of the helpless helpees are
middle-aged women; most of the rest are young hotties; and there's a
token guy every now and then."
- Seth Bate in <20021227153352.79856.qmail@web80312.mail.yahoo.com>
"Then there's Iron Chef. It's SuperFriends for people who like food."
- Seth Bate in <20021227153352.79856.qmail@web80312.mail.yahoo.com>
"To wrap up my post I would just like to say that I would never watch A
Cook's Tour for recipes. Pure entertainment, that's it. I don't want
to try fried tree grub, any animal's eyeball, or almost any item eaten
in front of that camera. Not even once. Thank you. :)" - Theo
"There are all types of models. There are hand models who advertise
gloves, rings, and dishwashing liquid. There are leg models who help sell
stockings, shoes, and razors. And then there are breast models who help
sell bras, blouses, swimsuits ... and beer, tires, lawn mowers, socks,
golf clubs, pest control services, shock absorbers, cheese, paneling,
toothpaste ..." - Dennis Miller, Dennis Miller Live "Models"
"Of course, the more I learn, the more I realize I don't know. At some
point, I hope to learn enough to realize that I know nothing at all.
Then maybe I'll be able to snatch a pebble from Julia Child's hand."
- Alton Brown, "I'm Just Here For The Food"
"The administration could also push consumers toward less wasteful cars if
it did more to publicize a 2001 study of the National Research Council
that found that occupants in full-size Buicks or Toyota Camrys were
safer than those in SUVs. The safety of SUVs is largely a myth. Their
wastefulness is not. Government policy should reflect that."
- http://boston.com/dailyglobe2/022/editorials/Bush_s_break_for_SUVs+.shtml
"Say "No" to cannabalism: Friends don't let friends eat friends." - Jeff Stilson
"War should be the last resort of people of conscience, not the first resort."
- J. Michael Straczynski
"As for SUVs being used as family cars: If a family is too large to
fit into a fuel efficient automobile it doesn't need an SUV, it needs
birth control." - Unknown
"But there's a larger question to be asked about the AOL/Time Warner
debacle, and it's this: How the hell did AOL ever buy Time Warner in the
first place? Who OKed that? Time Warner is a multimedia conglomerate
with businesses in various film, book publishing, magazine publishing,
TV, they own Warner Brothers ... AOL is an Internet Service that can't
control spam. They're on version 8; their _eighth version_ and they
still don't seem to grasp I need neither my mortgage refinanced nor my
penis enlarged." - Jon Stewart, The Daily Show, Jan 30 2003
"Now of course you could make the argument that all cars consume gas, so
even if you're driving a smaller car you're still supporting terrorism,
only less so. But I would say that we need more Americans to drive
hybrid gas/electric cars, because those only support terrorism when
you're going up a hill." - Jon Stewart, The Daily Show, Jan 15 2003
Bush: The menorah represents an ancient miracle, in which a lamp with
only enough oil for one day burned eight.
Black: Wow. That is a miracle. It's not every day you hear George Bush
promote oil conservation!
- Lewis Black, The Daily Show, Dec 12 2002
"No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American
public." - H.L. Mencken
"Abnegation is un-American. We're going to drive the vehicle we want,
wear what we want, consume as much as necessary, worship whomever we
choose, and show as much cleavage as possible in beer commercials."
- http://www.fool.com/News/Foth/2003/foth030203.htm?source=EDNWFH
Senator Allen said that recent snowstorms had provided vindication for
S.U.V. drivers. "Sorry I'm late," he said after arriving, on what was
another snowy day in Washington. "I wish more people had been driving
S.U.V.'s today. It would have moved things along a little faster."
Senator Boxer, who drives the Toyota Prius, a hybrid car that supplements
gasoline with electric power, said, "I came in my hybrid and got here
early." - http://www.nytimes.com/2003/02/27/business/27AUTO.html
"Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could.
It's like having a little pet for your face." - Anita Wise
"4) Bobby Flay is coming to your house to tape an episode of "Food Nation"
so you thoughtfully replace your 'Welcome' mat with a large wooden
cutting board."
- From the Top 12 Signs You've Been Watching Too Much FoodTV
"1) Your kid mistakenly gets sent to the principal's office for asking
the cafeteria ladies if they macerate."
- From the Top 12 Signs You've Been Watching Too Much FoodTV
"There's only thing worse than government full of idiots: government full
of scared idiots." - http://www.merit.edu/mail.archives/nanog/msg08444.html
"Many can appreciate humor columnist Dave Barry's assessment
of spammers as "the mutant spawn of a bizarre reproductive
act involving a telemarketer, Larry Flynt, a tapeworm,
and an executive of the Third Class mail industry.""
- http://www.activedayton.com/ddn/localnews/daily/0318cybspammer.html
"Me, I'm gonna be making crepes, French toast, and (if I can find a decent
V-slicer), French fries. It's not much of a protest, but you go with
what you've got." - In <20030321.185750.18189.184351@webmail10.lax.untd.com>
"My father said that other people's problems are everyone's problems,
or else it all falls apart." - Jeremiah
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
"Oh ... I love God. He's so deliciously evil." - Stewie on Family Guy
"It's nice to make things easy.. except when it comes to making it easy for
someone to shoot themselves in the foot by leading them to do something
they don't understand the implications of."
- Matt Kettler in <5.2.1.1.0.20030716174353.0175d210@xanadu.evi-inc.com>
"I hate going to the dentist. Everytime I go my tongue gets depressed."
- Home Movies, "Therapy"
EACH year, as they pay their taxes, many Americans conduct a tiny
mental debate. "Why should I have to turn over such a huge fraction of my
hard-earned money to the government?" And then, a moment later: "Oh, yeah:
schools, roads, national security - blah, blah, blah. Sign the check."
- http://www.nytimes.com/2003/07/31/technology/circuits/31stat.html
"An Italian wine-maker has a new line of wines with famous Nazis pictured
on the label. Its sort of the Fascist version of a Wheaties box.
Needless to say, its a white wine. A very white wine."
- Bill Maher, http://www.safesearching.com/billmaher/blog/archives/000062.html
Pet Peeve #843287: SUV drivers that whine about the price of gas. You
bought that overpriced penis extension, learn to live with the
consequences.
your belt may fail
your suspenders may fail
if you're really serious about keeping your pants up, use both!
- http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=79658&cid=7036985
Breathe out... slowly... do not gulp. If you do not breathe correctly,
you do not move correctly! Pitiful. I can see the deadly hamburger has
done its evil work. - Chiun in Remo Williams: The Saga Begins
The trained mind does not need a watch. Watches are a confidence trick
invented by the Swiss. - Chiun in Remo Williams: The Saga Begins
"Here in the U.S., a flame-retardant called polybrominated diphenyl ethers
is starting to show up in mother's breast milk. Which may explain why
it's so hard these days to light a baby on fire."
- Bill Maher, http://www.safesearching.com/billmaher/blog/archives/000087.html
Hear Me, California! Tomorrow you vote. Again. Good luck, and I hope
you get the Governor you deserve. I think it was Adlai Stevenson who said
that there's nothing more inspiring in human society than the spectacle
of the democratic process being bizarrely subverted by a well-funded
partisan exploitation of a constitutional loophole. How true that is.
- Adam Felber, http://www.felbers.net/mt/archives/001654.html
"Victory is mine... Victory is mine... I drink from the keg of glory
Donna, bring me the finest muffins and bagels from all the land!"
- Josh Lyman, The West Wing
... because I'm tired of it, year after year after year after year
... having to choose between the lesser of who cares
... of trying to get myself excited about a candidate who can speak in complete sentences
... of setting the bar so low, I can hardly look at it.
They say a good man can't get elected President. I don't believe that.
- Leo McGary, The West Wing, In the Shadow of Two Gunman I
"Dad ... this is my moment in the sun ... How can you miss it to be
with a sandwich?"
- Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons, "I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can"
"She taught me Cuban, which is a lot like Spanish only without as many
words for luxury items." - Emo Philips
"My sister married a German guy. Really nice guy. One time we were
getting bagels together and he said to me 'I can't get any good bagels
in Germany.' I said to him 'Well who's fault is that?'"
- Emo Philips
"I guess just because you drive around in a limo doesn't mean you're
not retarded." - Rob Cordrey, The Daily Show, 2003.11.21
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Bush, he does remind me sometimes of the kind of salesman who
sells you something, and you don't realize it doesn't work or is gonna
break until after he's gone. In the case of a politician, "after he's
gone" is "after he's elected."
The dropout rate in Houston's high schools when Bush ran in 2000 was
given as 1.5%. The focus on education and leaving no child behind was
a key part of his platform, and achievements in his home state were
given as evidence he'd done it already, the way Dukakis pointed to the
"Massachusetts Miracle" in economics in '88.
After Bush was elected, the drop out rate was revised from 1.5% to
40%. But, by that time, the guy was already gone. To Washington.
The economy - yes, it's up, and I root for it to stay up; I don't root
for it to fail so George Bush will look bad. But it's not hating to
ask about this economy: for how long, and at what cost? Stimulating the
economy in the short term is kind of like toppling Saddam in Iraq: no
one really doubted we could do that part of it - the short range, easy
part of it - it was winning the peace, or in the case of the economy,
putting it on sound footing for the entire next generation, not just
till November 6, 2004, that was the real question.
- Bill Maher, http://www.safesearching.com/billmaher/blog/archives/000103.html
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leela: "Didn't you have ads in the 20th century?"
Fry: "Well sure, but not in our dreams! Only on tv and radio...and in
magazines...and movies. And at ball games, on buses, and milk cartons,
and t-shirts, and bananas, and written on the sky. But not in dreams!
No sirree."
- Futurama, "A Fishful of Dollars"
"Is it true that blondes have more fun?" - Shane O'Neill
"I spent the first third of my life as a redhead and can say confidently
that redheads don't have more fun. Then my hair turned lighter and I
hoped things would improve. So far, nothing. My main hope right now is
that grays have more fun. I should have an answer on that for you in a
year or two." - Paul Gillin
"The only thing this show had in common with 'Cirque' is the fact that
I had no idea what was going on."
- Theo, regarding a "Cirque-like theatre performance"
You drink coffee. More importantly, you understand the difference between
Dunkin' Donuts flavored coffee and a Starbucks tall vanilla latte,
and you have a deep appreciation for the latter. Even more importantly,
if you do not like coffee, you support the fact that I do (well I don't
drink coffee every day, but if I did, that would be okay with you.) In
essence, you are pro-choice with respect to caffeinated beverages.
- http://personals.boston.com/profile.aspx?bookmark=EExTcr57A6c%3d
"Every year it's the same darn thing. I can make three little kids out
seasoning, but I can't get these lights to work."
- Professor Utonium, The Powerpuff Girls, 'Twas the Fight Before Christmas
"Money doesn't guarantee happiness. But having enough can make life a
lot less stressful."
- Robert H. Frank, http://www.nytimes.com/2003/12/27/arts/27INTR.html?pagewanted=4&8hpib
"Forthrightness and integrity are being made to seem naive and weak,
the moral province of losers, pointless scruples inconsistent with the
more manly attributes required to wage war on terror. But what could be
more terrifying than the prospect of a society that no longer has the
desire, the will, the energy or the ability to distinguish between the
truth and the spin that our leaders would prefer us to believe?"
- Francine Prose, http://www.nytimes.com/2003/12/27/arts/27INTR.html?pagewanted=5&8hpib
"That doesn't make sense to me... but then again, you are very small..."
- Treebeard, The Lord of the Rings, the Two Towers
"Children are the future ... Today belongs to ME!"
- The Simpsons: Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens and Gays
"Sendmail administration is not black magic. There are legitimate
technical reasons why it requires the sacrificing of a live chicken."
- Unknown
"The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree,
is by accident. That's where we come in. We're computer professionals. We
cause accidents." - Nathaniel Borenstein, inventor of MIME.
"In any free society, the conflict between social conformity and
individual liberty is permanent, unresolvable, and necessary."
- Kathleen Norris
"When faced with an absolutely impossible ingredient, I can guarantee
you that the best thing to do is wrap it up in something and fry it."
- Mario Batali, Iron Chef: America, Batali vs Morimoto
"challenge response is a great way to tell people they are less important
than you" - Dan Quinlan via IRC
"My teacher says I need cupcakes. Cupcakes to learn."
- Lisa Simpson, "Simpsons Safari"
"While I don't doubt that low-carb diets are an ascendant trend, let's
not beat around the bush. This is still a country full of fat, sedentary
folks of the kind where bacon is actually an acceptable side dish for
more bacon." - Bill Mann, "Krispy Kremed" Motley Fool Article
"What part of 'no' don't you understand? Is it the 'N', or the 'Zero'?"
- Quotes from Induhviduals, Dilbert Newsletter 55
Oxymoron Spokesman: Hey Kid you need a new cool drink!
Billy: I...I do?
Oxymoron Spokesman: Something new Something cool Something with shrimp!
Billy: With what?
Oxymoron Spokesman: Shrimpola cola! Yes Cola and shrimp! Two tasty tastes
that taste tasty together!
- Sheep in the Big City
"A state of war is not a blank check for the president when it comes to
the rights of the nation's citizens."
- Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, 2004-06-28
"Sanity is not statistical", George Orwell, "1984"
"It is not the strongest of the species that survives, not the most
intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." - Charles Darwin
"Many of the uninitiated who first see Perl immediately become intimidated
by the arcane symbols, and strings that look as though a cat walked
across the keyboard."
- Brian Jones, SysAdmin to SysAdmin: Approaching Perl
http://www.linux.com/article.pl?sid=04/07/01/1925206
The truth -- as we all so bitterly know -- is that the IT world is filled
with certified, credentialed and accredited idiots.
- http://www.cio.com/archive/061504/itwork.html
"see, you field a lot of questions that are unimportant enough to me that
I don't bother to look them up if you're not there to answer them for me."
"excellent. I'm like Clippy."
- Lukas Karlsson and Theo
"The wrists are common targets, because people with missing hands are
seldom good swordsmen." - Xtreme Martial Arts, about Chinese Dao (Broadsword)
"These commercials are all shot in Sweden... because American actors
would not participate in such crap."
- Craig Ferguson, I Love the 90's, "1996"
talking about "Mentos" commercials
"Who will guard the guards" == "quis custodiet ipsos"
"I won't be made useless, or be idle with despair." - Jewel, "Hands"
"Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper,
and wind up the target of international assassins."
- Marge Simpson, Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner
"There's not much you can do to ruin strips of marinated boneless chicken
breast sauteed with onions and green peppers."
- the Center for Science in the Public Interest about Chicken Fajitas
"A book is like a mirror. If an ass peers in, you can't exactly expect
an apostle to peer out." - Unknown
"Don't tell my kids I'm going to jail! Tell them I joined the Blue Man
Group ... I'm the fat one!" - Homer Simpson, A Star is Born Again
"I know you don't like [insert idea here], but trying to oppose an idea
by squelching discussion is a privilege reserved for the listowners."
- Meng Weng Wong in <20040916195909.GV21013@dumbo.pobox.com>
"I pity the shul that won't let Krusty in now. Spin me clown!"
- Mr. T, The Simpsons, "Today, I Am a Klown"
"New York ... the city that never sleeps ... because we're scared to death."
- Jon Stewart, The Daily Show, 2004/11/02
"It's more about the opportunity to make an impact and the challenge to
be successful than it is about the title."
- Paul M. Moriarty in <20041104021317.GB24385@igtc.igtc.com>
"You know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know.
Pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence ... gotta get me some
of that." - Stewie Griffin, Family Guy, "Holy Crap"
"I highly recommend the movie People Vs. Larry Flynt. You'd be amazed
how authentic Courtney Love seems at playing a heroin addict."
- Dan Kohn in <B1091462CF5479489B1D8FE818330D2CF1EDB2@exchange2003.ad.skymv.com>
Lois: Peter, it's great they picked your theme, but isn't it a little esoteric?
Peter: Esoteric? [go inside his head] Could it mean sexy? I think it's a
science term. Fellas, fellas, esoteric means delicious. [back out] Lois,
"Who's the Boss" is not a food.
Brian: Swing and a miss.
- Family Guy, "Love Thy Trophy"
Meg: Being a single mother is hard, but the real challenge is having a baby
that's addicted to crack. Right Stewie?
Stewie: What's that? Oh oh, yes, yes, I love crack! I'm absolutely cuckoo
for crack!
- Family Guy, "Love Thy Trophy"
Stewie: Ah! Damn it! I want pancakes. God! You people understand
every language except English. Yo quiero pancakes. Dali mua pancakes.
Clik clik bloody clik pancakes!
- Family Guy, "Love Thy Trophy"
What's wrong with me? My name is Florida. Florida! That's the name of a
state! Why's my name Florida?!? Lord ... <sobs>
- Family Guy, "If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'"
Sweetie, you seem so blue. Did the last of something die?
- Marge Simpson, The Simpsons, "Smart and Smarter"
I dance, I dance, I dance, around a Mexican hat. I dance, I dance,
I dance, and that is the end of that. Or is it? I guess I'll keep
singing, my cell phone appears to be ringing...
- Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, "Brake My Wife, Please"
"It's easier to give somebody a fancier-sounding title than to give them a
real bump in authority or pay," said Marc Cenedella, the president and chief
executive of TheLadders.com, an executive job search site. "That's what any
bureaucratic organization tends to do over time."
- NY Times Article, "A Title That's Not as Boss as It Looks"
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/29/fashion/sundaystyles/29TITLE.html?8hpib
One of the secretaries at our office made a copy of a document and put
the original through the shredder. When I questioned this, she explained
that the client did not need the document, and the file only needed a
copy, so there was no need to keep the original document. She couldn't
understand my amusement.
- Tales of DNRC members, Dilbert Newsletter 60
"Chores?!? What are we, Omish?"
- Kid on Stargate: SG-1, "Citizen Joe"
"The PSTN is like a well-manicured neighborhood, (while) the internet
is like a crime-ridden slum." - Phil Zimmermann
"If you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in everyday
and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." - Homer Simpson
"I bit my tongue, and stood in line, with not much to believe in.
I bought into what I was sold, and ended up with nothin'."
- Garbage, "Not My Idea"
"At the end of last month, we had a 20-hour supply of the Prius (hybrid
sedan)," Jim Press, head of Toyota's U.S. operations, said at the Reuters
Autos Summit, held in Detroit. "We no longer count in days."
- http://www.cnn.com/2005/AUTOS/09/23/bc.autos.summit.toyota.hybrids.reut/index.html
"Years ago if you put in long hours and worked hard for a company,
you were rewarded with gradual promotions, longer vacations, medical
insurance, and a healthy retirement plan. Most people expected to work
20 years or more at one company. Today to get ahead and save for a
reasonable retirement, workers often must hop from company to company
to get a promotion. Hard work and dedication to a job well done are no
longer seen as ways to protect a job. Everyone is expendable, thanks to
many employers' short-term, economic goals. And there's no incentive to
work long hours. It won't likely pay off for the worker in the long run."
- http://www2.thefabricator.com/Articles/Fabricating_Exclusive.cfm?ID=917
"Ironically, the most dedicated employees - those who continually strive
for excellence and go beyond the minimum effort required to remain
employed - are most at risk. Prime job burnout candidates are highly
productive, creative individuals who take pride in their work, have good
work ethics, and try to make a difference - the kind of employees most
companies want."
- http://www2.thefabricator.com/Articles/Fabricating_Exclusive.cfm?ID=936
We'll let the specialists work out the details. For now, though, we lay
folk should strive to use the term "passive-aggressive" more precisely
in everyday life. Say for instance that a coworker cheerfully agrees
to refrain from a specified uncool act, then does it anyway. Is this
passive-aggressive behavior? No, this is being an asshole. Comforting
as it can be to pigeonhole our tormentors with off-the-shelf psychiatric
diagnoses, sometimes it's best just to call a jerk a jerk.
- http://www.straightdope.com/columns/030530.html
Just because technology makes it possible for us to work 10 times faster
than we used to doesn't mean we should do it. The body may be able to
withstand the strain -- for a while -- but the spirit isn't meant to flail
away uselessly on the commercial gerbil wheel.
- http://www.wired.com/news/technology/0,1282,68742,00.html
Unless you've tweaked LSF's prioritization algorithms, the best reward for
a job well done is another job. That is, the host which most recently
successfully completed a job, if eligible for this next job, will get
it, even if other hosts have been standing idly about looking sullen
and scuffing their feet.
- Strata R. Chalup in <4386F22C.20004@virtual.net>
New Rule: Someone must stop the Cirque du Soleil. If we hate the French
so much, how come we gave them Las Vegas? There are now six Cirque du
Soleil-related shows on The Strip. Six! Who wants to spend two hours
watching a bunch of French chicks fold themselves in half? You know
what? Scratch that.
New Rule: We need more Cirque du Soleil!
- Bill Maher, New Rules on Real Time with Bill Maher, 2005/05/13
http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/20050513.html
Warick: Who brings a gun to a knife fight?
Grissom: The winner?
- CSI, Daddy's Little Girl
"When the outcome of a meeting is to have another meeting, it has been
a lousy meeting." - Herbert Hoover
"Awkward moment?!? I'll give you an awkward moment: One time during
sex I called Lois "Frank". Your move Sherlock."
- Peter Griffin, Family Guy, "One if by Clam, Two if by Sea"
"I don't know Marge, trying is the first step towards failure."
- Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, "Reality Bites"
"Are you really willing to trust government workers to end someone's
life? What is the government good at? Healthcare? Levies? F***!
I don't even trust them to send a letter to my sister. I use e-mail!
Now if Google were in charge of the death penalty I might consider it.
The Google kids don't seem to f*** up much!"
- Penn on the Death Penalty, Bullshit
"Memory is the new disk. Disk is the new tape."
- "First uttered by Jim Gray"
(http://www.tbray.org/ongoing/When/200x/2006/05/24/On-Grids)
"tastes like chicken"
- stupid fortune cookie
"This country is run by extremists because moderates have shit to do."
- Jon Stewart, The Daily Show, 2006/06/20
Q: Don't you know who our President is?
A: A working class man who started out with nothing in life but two strong
hands and a brain, and now has to make due with just the hands.
- http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=189485&cid=15602732
If you're over 25 you're a 'digital immigrant'. If you're a 'digital
native' you've learnt the digital language; the brain of the digital
native is different. It's literally been reworked. It's faster. It sifts
more; it recalls less...
- Lord Maurice Saatchi in an interview on BBC Radio 4
http://prstudies.typepad.com/weblog/2006/06/and_the_rise_of.html
Your attention please. Thank you for choosing earth as your planetary
vehicle. We hope you enjoy the many wonderful features of this planet,
as you hurtle through the cosmos. Please note, that in the event of
continued inaction in the face of global warming - your seat cushion
can be used as a flotation device. Please take a moment to locate this
planet's emergency exits. As you can see, there aren't any!
- Blue Man Group
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8453442377878175440
"We're sysadmins. We deal with the inconceivable so often I can clearly
see the need to define levels of inconceivability."
- Rik Steenwinkel
"The problem comes from an unintended use of a feature."
- http://rt.cpan.org/Public/Bug/Display.html?id=20657
"... the menu is written in more elementary Spanish than a Dora the
Explorer episode ..."
- Karl Chalabala about a lunch menu at work
"The bourgeois human is a virus on the hard drive of the working robot!"
- Greeting Card in Futurama, "Mother's Day"
"In the game of chess, you can never let your opponent see your pieces."
- Zapp Branigan, Futurama, "Love's Labour Lost In Space"
"the Audi sounds and feels like a volcano making love to an avalanche"
- http://www.thetruthaboutcars.com/?p=2545
"One of the things I've used on 'the Google' is to pull up maps. I like to look
at the ranch. It reminds me of where I want to be sometimes."
- George Bush
"Bush keeps saying the terrorists hate us for our freedom, and he's working
damn hard to see that pretty soon, that won't be a problem."
- Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, Episode 87
"a) I want a pony b) My pony's broken! c) A co-worker got a newer and
faster pony! I want one too!"
- Person at work describing the standard trouble ticket types
"Then the cook slid the metal pan full of roasted apples, all warm
and delicious, to be mixed into the sauerkraut - a palate-pleasing
sweet/bitter combination to be laden on the bratwurst. I'm on that in
the worst way. Stupid apples."
- Karl Chalabala about a lunch menu at work
"You can watch a movie on the iPod. I don't know ... Watching a movie
in your hand seems weird to me. Because usually the type of movies I
watch I need my hands."
- Craig Ferguson, 2007/01/09
Leela: Bender, a turtle isn't yourself. Why do you care about it?
Bender: Because I also care deeply about things which remind me of myself.
Like poor little shelly here.
Hermes: What could you have in common with this walking soup mix?
Bender: For one thing, we both have a tough outer shell, but lead a rich
inner life. And also, well, you know.
Leela : You're both alcoholic, whore mongoring, chain smoking, gamblers?
- Futurama, "Crimes of the Hot"
Welcome to Kyoto -- the anagram lover's Tokyo.
- Futurama, "Crimes of the Hot"
"I just lit myself on fire to distract myself from perf. I find the
burning to be soothing."
- V Hoffman
"If all I know about you is you have an interesting taste in shirts,
that's all I have to write."
- Matt LaPlante, about peer performance reviews
Rossini, composer of the Barber of Seville and a number of other operas,
was a noted gourmand - one who French culinary legend Careme called "the
only person who understands me." Rossini is said to have truly wept only
three times, the last when a turkey stuffed with truffles fell overboard.
Who lets truffle-stuffed turkeys get near ship railings to begin with
is beyond me.
- Karl Chalabala
What?! Prefer a nice GUI to an obscure and arcane command line thing?!?!
#include <sysadmin_mockery.h>
- Arthur Hyun
It's interesting how most SA (SpamAssassin) "problems" are really
SA (System Administration) problems. Nice way to tie together the
acronyms. :) - Theo Van Dinter
"But as sysadmins, it's part of our job to prepare for death."
- Alan Sundell
"thats odd honey, i dont seem to remember putting lipstick on my penis"
- Lloyd Benson
tvd: print "\n".join([ " ".join(["%4d" % (x * y) for y in range(6)]) for x in range(6) ])
...
jrand: tvd, i think you just recreated all the unreadability of perl ... but in python
- John Randolph
I know I'm jumping the gun on the Tea announcement and that people aren't
likely that into to pondering cheesy poofs or whatever the chefs are throwing
at us for High Tea, but I need to leave earlier than usual today and so here
it comes. Brace yourselves, I use the word fluff in here.
- Karl Chalabala
I'm sure when you get him liquored up that he's quite tolerable.
- Theo Van Dinter
"People who are born in years I can remember. 'Tis very sad."
- Tom Limoncelli (paraphrased)
"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher
a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts,
build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders,
cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure,
program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly.
Specialization is for insects." - Robert A. Heinlein
Atlanta was a city, landlocked,
Hundreds of miles from the area we now call the Atlantic Ocean,
Yet so desperate the city's desire for tourism,
That they moved offshore becoming an island,
And an even bigger Delta hub.
Knowing their fate, the quality people ran away:
Ted Turner, Hank Aaron, Jeff Foxworthy, the guy who invented Coca-Cola,
The Magician, and the other so-called Gods of our legends,
Though Gods they were.
And also Jane Fonda was there.
- Futurama, "The Deep South"
I'll pump them so full of sap they'll be blowing their nose with a pancake.
- Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons, Girlie Edition
"To be fair, he was being belligerent to a printer at the time ..."
- John Miller at work
"perf and having to deal with people are two of the major reasons I
don't want to become a manager"
- Michael Haro
You just have to give guys a chance. Sometimes you meet a guy and think
he's a pig, but then later on you realize that he has a really good body.
- Amy on Futurama, "Love's Labour Lost in Space"
"Dad, are you okay? I see food on your plate instead of blurry motions."
- Lisa on the Simpsons, "Husbands and Knives"
"Announce my route, forward my packets, and get the hell out of my way."
- Jim Hickstein in <4759A8C6.90209@jxh.com>
"You don't find too many 350 pound Cambodians. But when you do, boy are they
tough to wrestle." - Bill Duff on Human Weapon, "Cambodian Bloodsport"
"You can tell they're not engineers, they have clothes with buttons."
- Random person at work
"Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind ALL day long."
- stupid fortune cookie
"Growing up means giving up everything that makes you happy."
- Marge, The Simpsons, "Crook and Ladder"
"I've got three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three
money...?"
- Homer, The Simpsons, "Crook and Ladder"
PBS is reportedly going to air a version of "King Lear" where Ian McKellan
shows his testicles. Or as they say at PBS: He's going to show his tote bag.
- Monologue on Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien, 2008-07-14
Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G's!
- Homer Simpson (err, Max Power), The Simpsons, "Homer to the Max"
I'm Mr. Pants and I'm coming to get ya'
Better run for your life, you better run or I'll get ya'
I got paws like a cat cause that's what I am
I'll throw up on your carpet and scratch up your hands
I'm the roughest toughest kitty in the land
My name is Mr. Pants I'm the kitty cat man
Nobody's gonna stop me from having my way
My name is Mr. Pants and have a nice day
You'll scream for your life cause you won't be happy
My name is Mr. Pants and I'm actually kind of grabby
Mr. Pants is my name and I'd like to say Hi
Give me a call we'll hang out some time
I'm Mr. Pants!
I'm the roughest toughest kitty in the land
My name is Mr. Pants I'm the kitty cat man
Nobody's gonna stop me from having my way
My name is Mr. Pants and have a nice day
Mr. Pants!!!
- Home Movies, "History", http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBXEmyQmj44
It was a formula for disaster. It was a traditional game of "Hot Potato",
"Hot Potato". And as it turned out, everybody ended up with a potato.
- Jeffrey Lane, CEO Bear Stearns Asset Management, Frontline: "Inside the Meltdown"
At this point, you should have realized that any discussion about
storage ends in disappointment and frustration. The trick to being
team-lead is figuring out how to turn this into an advantage.
- Theo Van Dinter, passing on the TL torch
I think we should have a centithread about that. I'll be all like
"blah, blah, blah" and someone else will be all like "ZOMG blah blah
blah" and then everyone in the whole universe will be all like "blah,
blah, blah" and then we'll all self-righteously and publicly announce
that we're muting the thread. Sounds good?
- Mike Knell at work
"One of my concerns with having no physical branches is the "What if I
need a lot of cash now? " question."
"Clearly you need to stop letting people photograph whatever you're
doing on the weekends."
- From a discussion about depositing money at online banks
I don't really live on compliments. As a matter of fact, they have a
way of distracting me. I know a whole lot of musicians, artists out
there who hears the compliments and thinks "wow, I must have been really
great" and so they get fat and satisfied and they get lost and forget
about their actual talent and start living in another world.
- Jimi Hendrix in an interview w/ Dick Cavett
I've been imitated so well I've heard people copy my mistakes.
- Jimi Hendrix
"I'm a unitard!" - Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons "Ice Cream of Margie"