T:	Ho hum.  I have work to do for tomorrow.

M:	Like what?  I have this Stats project to work on.

T:	Well, I need to write a scene for English.  What to do...
What to do...  Hmmmm.  Well, if I did something normal it'd be too ...
what's the word I'm looking for?

M:	Normal?

T:	Yeah, that's it.  Ok, so it can't be normal.  Well, I can make
the scene unique.  You know, you're unique.  Just like everybody else.

M: (sarcastically) Gee, thanks.

T:	Ok, ok ok....   I'll be silly...  So...  There's a man ..
hitting himself with a sea bass.  [Michelle shakes her head]  No?  Ok.
There's a woman, and she wants to ...  [short pause]  uhhh....
(slowly) buy a toaster ...  yeah, ok..  A woman buying a toaster.

M:	A woman buying a toaster...  Uh-huh.  Sure.  Go with it.

T:	Ok.  She needs to goto a mall and find a toaster that she
falls deeply in love with, runs away never to be seen again!  No
... Too short.   Hmmm..

A:	What if it is just about her adventures going to the mall?

T:	Ok, I can go with that.  Alright, the woman goes to the mall
and funny things happen.  We're half way to a joke.  We need a name
for her.  "The Woman" isn't too personal.

A:	Lee?

M:	Bob ... ina?

T:	No no...  I've got it.  Don't worry, it's not contagious
... Yet.  Who do we know that would be good in this type of play?

A:	Amy?

T:	Close, but ... no.  How about ... Catie?

M:	Yeah, that'd be good.

T:	Ok, what other things to throw in here?  Hmm....  Alright, why
does she need to buy the toaster..?  She's a bad cook.  She burned
toast!  No, that's too simple.  She fried the cat in pure Wesson oil!
No, nothing to do with toasters.  Ok, I know!  She boiled a pop tart!
Then she fried the pop tart in the toaster.  I've seen those photos.
[Narrator hands the photos out.]  Ok.  What else...?

A:	What can you mention that happened in the class?

T:	Well, there was the 30 minute discussion about Lesbians...
That's always a good comedy bit.  Oh and Cats!  Need to get something
in there about Cats...  What about it... Hmmmm....  I know!  In front
of Catie when she's buying the toaster... Two lesbians buying tickets to
Cats, yeah, that's good.

M:	And they're paying by check.

T:	Yeah, that's it, two lesbians buying tickets to Cats paying by
check.  Ok, and they'll be talking... "Cats, it's all about Cats,
you'll LOVE it."  Let me write some stuff down...  All righty...  She
wants to get to the mall.  She can go by bus, that can lead to some
good stuff, ok.  So ... she gets into the bus, and the bus driver
wants .. change.  Right, she can go on about how change isn't easy and
this and that, and then ...

A:	"Hey baby, give me a hunka hunka burnin' change."

M:	Yeah, he can be an Elvis impersonator by night, and by day be
a practicing Elvis impersonator bus driver.

A:	Have some guy tell him not to quit his day job.

T:	Yeah, ok, but that's not that good.  What if she goes on about
the philosophical ramifications of bringing change to the world, and
then the Elvis dude gets peeved?  Goes something like this:

		[Bus Doors Open]

		BD:	Hey baby, give me a hunka hunka burnin' change.

		NAR:	The bus driver is an Elvis impersonator at night.

		C:	Change can't come without sacrifice, without
			the pain and agony of personal items that
			define our very soul.

		BD:	Momma [gestures to keep it down] just put the
			money in the slot.

	Now what?  I know...  What if the focus then went to the back
of the bus with Captain Jim and Pedro?  You know, those Saturday Night
Live guys who were on the island?  It won't be a good play until
someone says "I made a hat out of a lobster and stick."

A:	Yeah, that'd be good.  What about that thing Matt plays about
the baking soda factory?

T:	Oh, the "If you're in a baking soda factory, and you fart, can
anybody tell?" thing?  Yeah, that'd be pretty good, but this is a
sub-joke every 3 lines, that's not great.

M:	For the bus driver, he can be practicing his Elvis lip every
so often.

T:	Yeah, ok, when the bus stops, he'll look in the mirror, do the
Elvis lip, and ask for change.  And there has to be something about
the yellow line...  "Stay behind the yellow line!"  Hmmm...

M:	You can have this like the movie "Slacker".  Just keep
shifting the focus of attention every so often.

T:	No, that'd be bad for a play, but I know!  You remember in
that film the part where the druggie was selling Madonna's pap-smear?
Instead of that, how about if Catie runs into a mall rat selling
something the same way.  How about a spleen?  Gotta get a spleen in
here somewhere.

A:	Bob Vila's spleen in a jar.  [Alan says in a mall rat voice:]
"Hey Lady, I've got Bob Vila's spleen in this jar."

T:	And then Catie gets scared, and knocks the jar down.  They can
be on an escalator, and it'll get stuck at the top stair.  Then she
can back away while the mall rat starts sobbing about the lost spleen.

A:	Then Catie can run into Bob Vila coming out the mall.  "Hey, some
mall rat cut out my spleen with her swiss army knife."  "Yeah, she
took my spleen, but look at the cut.  It's a great tongue-and-groove
shape."

T:	"Yeah, I've lost my spleen, but look how well she sanded the
hole down!"

A:	"Hey, do you have any Elmer's glue?  I need to patch this
hole."

T:	This is getting silly, how about this:

		[The bus stops and the doors open.  Catie gets out.  A
		man runs into her.]

		BV:	Oof!  Excuse me lady, but I misplaced
			something and I'm trying to find it.

		C:	Hey, aren't you Bob Vila?

		BV:	Yes, I'm sorry, but I really must find it. 

		[Vila tries to leave]

		C:	What are you looking for?  A new Sears
			proto-type screwdriver?

		BV:	No, [pause], my spleen.  I had it this
			morning, but I can't seem to find it now.

A:	Cool, ok.

T:	We need to have more Catie jokes.  I know, she'll be writing a
book about ASCII art.

M:	She can run into an old college buddy and they can talk about
it.

A:	Foo!  Have her run into Foo with his book, "The Bible of
Fooism"...!

T:	No one's going to know who they are.  I know, I'll add in
something along the "It must only be this newsgroup" crap, that'll be
funny.  I know, how about something like this:

		C: (to herself)	Am I the only sane one around here?
				It must just be this part of town
				which is strange.  Oh well.

A:	We need some poetry too.  "Hey, look at my sig ...  It's
really really big ...  Wow that's a rhyme ... [pause] I can't think of
anything else that's a rhyme.  Hey that's two, I should put it in my
sig, cause when U read it, it makes a PoEm."

M:	Ok, we have Catie jokes, what about developing people on the
bus?  There can be the couple in the back making out, and ...

A:	What about a little fidgety kid sitting in front of Catie?
Something like "Hey Lady.  Hey Lady.  Lady?  Hey.  Lady, Lady, Hey!"
and doing the "I"m this many." [Kid holds up five fingers.]  Catie'll
go "You're 5?"  and then the kid goes "No, this many." [Kid holds up 5
fingers again] ...

M:	There are four lights!

A:	Then the kid can ask her about the baking soda, it'd be great.
Can we bring Doug into this?  He's a real gassy type of guy.

T:	So much so that he can change his own gravitational constant,
and his organs shift, yes.  Alright, so we have Catie with her 5300
page book on ASCII art, and the finer points of signature files.  Now
what though?  She should be getting off the bus after the kid talks to
her.  Ok, ok...  She'll get off the bus, and bump into Bob Vila
looking for his spleen.  And to keep things slightly realistic, she'll
think she's not insane, and it's only that neighborhood, right, ok.

M:	I know, what about when she's walking around the mall, she
needs to goto the bathroom, so she tries to find 3 females to go with her.

T:	Yeah, she can walk up to people "Please!  Please follow me!  I
have to go...."

A:	It can be part of Fooism, the new state religion.  "All
females must be accompanied by no less than 3, but no more than 7
other females in order to goto the bathroom."

T:	And so the law is stated.  Dum dum dum.  Reminds me of the RA
Dance last year.

M:	"8 girls just walked into the bathroom.  Only one can go.  What
do the other 7 do?  Chant?  'Go, go, go!'"

T:	Cool!  And we need Python.  She can walk by a cheese shop,
yeah.

M:	And there'll be a sign in the window for a cheese sale...

T:	"Venezuelan Beaver Cheese, only 98 cents a metric ton."?

A:	Nice, but how about if she sees a new Robin Leach video?
	"I'm Robin Leach, and I need to urinate."

T:	No no no, I got it.  She'll go into Leachmere. l-e-A-c-h-mere.
It'll be a store totally devoted to Robin Leach products.  Robin will
be there selling his new video, "How to wipe your butt with other
people's money."  only $59.95...

M:	Wait a minute, we need something more here.  What if there's a
theatre that she passes?  It can be doing one of those plays that was
written, directed, produced and stars the same person playing himself.
I know!

T:	Hmmmm, A half naked blue woman, would be a funny addition.

[Alan picks up the broken chair leg from off the couch]

A:	Don't forget to include the piece o' piece o' furniture.

M:	What if she goes into a hardware store, looks around, sees the
piece o' piece o' furniture, and then talks to the clerk?

A:	And she'll actually buy a pencil sharpener and bring it home.

M:	Either he's a REALLY good salesman, or Catie's completely
flakey.  Probably a blond ...

T:	And when she gets home, she'll put it down in front of her
husband, say "Here honey, I've bought a toaster."  "No honey ... This
is a pencil sharpener.  I have to kill you now."  WHRRRRR.  [Sounds of
a pencil sharpener]  [the husband chases Catie around the house and in
the background you hear the Psycho music from the shower scene]

M:	No, that's too silly.  What if she actually does buy the
toaster, and it turns out to be the one from Ghostbusters 2?  She
turns on the radio, and the toaster dances out the window.  Catie then
runs out after the toaster and gets stepped on by the Stay Puff
Marshmallow man?

[A phone rings in the suite]

A:	Hey, the pizza's here, cool.

T:	Hang on to that thought Michelle, we'll talk about it after
the pizza.

[Theo and Alan go to get the pizza.]

A:	Ok, here we go.

[Michelle brings in plates]

A:	Cool!  We have plates.  Alright, now who has the Dew?

T:	Well, I have a few 2-liters in the fridge, have a glass?

A:	Yeah, somewhere. [Alan goes to find a glass]

M:	Can I just borrow your keys?  I want to get a Ginger Ale
downstairs ...