My Favorite Quotes...

Even though my friends seem to think that I can't remember quotes at all, I have always had a certain appeal for good quotes. So, here are a few of my favorites... Enjoy!

Quick Reference Index!

Welp, this is my first attempt at bringing the confusion factor of the page down. You can scroll down to get to the quotes, but if you'd like to quick jump to a section, you can do that right here!

Friends
Family
Famous People
Acquaintences
People I Don't Know!
Heard in Television/Movies
Found in Songs
Found on the Internet
Miscellaneous Involving Computers
Heard in Class
Miscellaneous

Friends

If you want to keep something secret, tell your diary, if you want the world to know, tell a reporter.

--- Craig 'PJ' Hansen in an email to Eyewitness News, Channel 3, in CT

And yes, we did have a good time playing basketball, although I forgot I was into Ewok vocabulary at the time.

--- In a letter to me from Ann Marie Salewski, a friend in Manchester, CT

Every second you live is a second closer to death.

--- Michael Salcius

You know what a box spring is? It's a box with springs!

--- Craig 'PJ' Hansen, in a conversation with Mike Salcius

I need mho conductance!

--- Craig 'PJ' Hansen, on the humor of EE's everywhere

If only cows had fingers...

--- Michael Salcius, in a deluded state of being

Hey, what can I say? I like stuffing poultry!

--- Paul MacDougall, talking about... well... never mind. Too involved.

D - Let's start out with the most familiar number system, the decimal system.
P - The what?

--- Craig 'PJ' Hansen's response to Instructor Dean's introduction to binary numbers

P - What's that?
M - It's the fire alarm.
P - For the whole building?!?

--- Craig 'PJ' Hansen and Mike Salcius, 2:30am, 4-19-95, Institute Hall 103

She has sex like I have homework!

--- Ken Miller talking about... well... I won't give any names... <grin>

Philosophy sucks! :)

--- Craig 'PJ' Hansen in a most profound moment

P - What type of beverage does a system administrator like to drink?
M - I don't know... What?
P - Root Beer!!!

--- Paul English talking to me, in one his usual moments

P - I found out what was wrong.
M - What?
P - There were wires going through everything. It was one big short!

--- Craig 'PJ' Hansen telling me why his PSpice simulation wouldn't run

P - What are you doing?
M - I want to see what the longest file name in Unix can be.

--- Mike Salcius, obviously with too much time on his hands

Why don't I just buy you a hooker?

--- Paul English

M - I like your pepper paper. It's pretty pepper paper.
P - Peter Piper picked a peck of pretty pepper paper...

--- Paul English's response to my enthusiasm over "pepper paper"

Has anyone seen the cable for the wireless?!?

--- Nathan Towne-Smith, President of Lens and Lights

Yeah, because um see if you catch them when they're five and up ... f**k you and your partner! Well the birth rates are highest for age groups... umm... like 3 to 5. So you'd want to catch them after that. <giggle> You f**kin' suck.

--- Patti Sears, in hysterics, as Pat McManus types in her answer to a lab problem, word for word

M - Well, I have a long trip ahead of me today.
G - Yeah. It must be a good 25 feet to the bathroom.

--- Mr. Guntly's (Paul English's girlfriend's dad) response to my explanation of why I was still resting

2 guys are goats, and the girl's a BMW...

--- Paul English, with too much Probability homework

Dramatic Suspense... wait a little bit, then crack up laughing, roll around on the floor... kick chairs...

--- Paul English

Bob, show me the meat.

--- Amy Plack at Denny's, talking about Daka Bob.

If it's female, and it doesn't have balls, it's cute.

--- Paul, summarizing my taste in women.

You'd die without your Ethernet. You'd be this spineless jellyfish without a purpose in your life.

--- Paul English, and guess who he's talking about

M - I was walking across the parking lot, and this car sped up like it was trying to hit me!
P - It was probably Roy.

--- Paul English in response to me, alluding to an incedent involving Roy Rubenstein and myself

Shadow is for the paranoid. You'd like it!

--- Paul English, discussing shadowed passwords

Oxidation is always a hoot.

--- 4nik8, a character on Nails

A - Tell her to shut up, and stop using you as go-between.
M - Wait... you want ME to tell HER to stop using ME as a go-between?!?

--- My response to Alana Phelan, an ex of mine

M - How'd you get to be a baby bunny?
S - I took the baby bunny certification course? :)

--- Strawberry's (from Nails, see the picture archive!) response to my question about her character

Man, some people... you ask a SIMPLE question, and all they want to do is shove a keyboard up your ass.

--- Johnny_Fever, a character on Nails

I just imagine you receiving pictures of fowl in the mail, and getting sick or something.

--- Ophelia (again, Nails), in her response to my typo of "chicken pix"... I meant to say "chicken pox"

How can you mess up canned pineapple?

--- Joanna, Paul English's friend, talking about Daka

You're always f**king on!

--- Joanna again, explaining how she knows what my login name is

It's open for 15 minutes after it closes.

--- Deby Malmberg, trying to say the Computer Museum *Store* was open 15 minutes later than the Computer Museum itself.

Did you want a $5 milkshake?

Maybe you should go and recite a poem to the girl out there.

Did you ask Dino...?

--- Deby, at various times, talking to me while half asleep and thinking she was just dreaming.

R - Hey, Deby, do you say (koo'-pon) or (kyoo'-pon)?
D - I say both.
R - <mimicking Deby> Wow, I got a 25 percent off both in the mail!

--- Deby's roommate Robyn, with the lighter side of rhetoric.

I was told he was fast, and he'd get it up.

--- Joshua Cloutier, reciting what he was told over the phone about a guy that was late arriving to WPI to set up a movie screen.

Back to the Index!

Family

Well, when you procrastinate, you tend to put things off.

--- The first entry in my quote file for... yes... My grandmother.

I know why Bob comes to bingo. He figures, "I gotta do something while I eat dinner!"

--- Mom, talking to Dad (yes, I do go to bingo with them)

Back to the Index!

Famous People

At a certain point you just get tired of the way the other breathes.

--- John Linnel of They Might Be Giants talking about his relationship with partner John Flansburgh

C - Now I can say you're a disaster!
Y - Be sure you get the right attribution there!

--- Boris Yeltsin and Bill Clinton, talking about what the press had to say about their "summit" meeting

We're gonna fight until hell freezes over, and then we're gonna fight on the ice!

--- Pat Buchannan

When I have sex with a guy now, I worry that if I scratch my nails on his back, he will think of You Outta Know.

--- Alanis Morissette, in an interview with Playboy

Back to the Index!

Acquaintences

You want a bun with that?

--- Sheryl, the ex-Daka lady, in response to asking her for anything for breakfast, lunch, or dinner

You scanned your card! You're wonderful! You're not only handsome, but you're wonderful, too!

--- The card-scanning lady at Daka (Morgan Daka... Founders' doesn't seem to care if you scan your own card)

Back to the Index!

People I Don't Know!

I'm getting sick of him calling me every time he screws his girlfriend!

--- Mystery woman walking the halls of South Windsor High School

People always tell me they want to touch me, but they don't know where!

--- Mystery woman walking in front of me by my dorm

Hurry up! The light's still green!

--- Anonymous runner at the start of the 59th Manchester Road Race

I'm in my 40's. I'm ready to wife-swap!

--- Another anonymous runner, this time, at about mile 1 of the 59th Manchester Road Race

1 - I was closer!
2 - But I wasn't over.
1 - This isn't the f**king Price is Right!

--- Two kids playing ping-pong, talking about what time it is

K - How many times do I have to tell you to turn the mic on?
M - It *is* on.
K - But I can't hear myself.
M - The music is on... Do you want the music off?
K - I'll tell them to turn it off.
M - Uhhh... I'm playing it.
K - If you're playing it, why is it going on out *here*?!?
M - I control it from here.
K - <Getting mad> Look, I am a junior referee... (insert something here about me having a court date with him... I couldn't understand, he was yelling to much.) And I'm *NOT* going to tell you again! <slams window shut>

--- Conversation between myself and a 5 year old kid in Harrington Auditorium

Back to the Index!

Heard in Television/Movies

A murder is just an extroverted suicide.

--- A "criminologist" from Monty Python's Flying Circus

Two mesomorphs. These guys are practically in custody already.

--- Andy Sipowicz, NYPD Blue

Hell is from here to eternity. So that means when you tell someone to, "Go to Hell!" you're really saying, "Stay right here!"

--- Beavis, of Beavis and Butthead fame.

Hey! I am not a cowboy and my wife is not a horse! We are just two normal people trying to make love in an elementary school cafeteria!

--- Chris Elliot, Saturday Night Live

T - How many times did you say spontaneous is romantic?
P - A burp is spontaneous, a burp is not romantic!

--- Joe Pesci and Marissa Tomei, at the end of My Cousin Vinnie

1 - That's the Conway guy behind the copier!
2 - Sure. And Juan Valdez is next to the coffee maker.

--- Commercial for Conway Copiers

Don't go calling an ice cube tray unshippable if it's built like a sink.

--- Bill Nye (the Science Guy)

Remember, to drink Coors Light, you must be 21. Unless, of course, you're a dog. Then, you only have to be 3.

--- From a Coors Light commercial

It's a paradox inside a riddle, wrapped in an enigma.

--- From a Nissan Pathfinder commercial

If brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your nose.

--- A line in American Graffiti

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.

--- A "Deep Thought", from Saturday Night Live

Muldor, this is even hokier than the one they aired on the Fox Network.

--- Dana Scully, talking about an alien autopsy video on The X Files

The world is my lesbian wedding.

--- Chandler Bing, Friends

Well, that was a big one, wasn't it?

--- Duncun McLeod, after beating Callas on the Eiffel Tower

Life moves pretty quickly. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Gummy Bear? It's been in my pocket, so it's real warm and soft.

You're still here? It's over. Go home! Out!

--- All from the end of Ferris Bueller's Day Off

So if a 222 in Utica pops up, there's not much we can do about it.

--- WHDH Ch. 7 weatherman, talking about a misprint on a weather map.

1 - Explain speed scoring, quickly.
2 - Well, it goes fast.

--- NBC commentators talking about the 5th game in a volleyball match

1 - Are you hyperventilating?
2 - No, I'm English.

--- Delta airlines commercial

Get me a 5cc epi IV push and an EKG, stat.

--- Brooke Shields imitating George Clooney from ER, in a promo for her new show

L - Aw, we scared the little thing.
S - You're not sure it's a little thing.

--- Richards Simmons' response to David Letterman

Heaven help us if they ever learn the Macarena.

--- Heard in a Pepsi Commercial during Super Bowl XXXI, while bears were dancing

Hardcore Techo Unplugged. The DJ put the needle in the groove... Nothing happened at all. Hardcore Techno Unplugged. It was really really quiet, but it was really really cool!

--- MTV Commercial

- They should have a name for this kind of music.
- They have a name for it, Beavis. It's called crap.

--- Beavis and Butthead, with "Scatman" playing in the background... (it's a techno/dance thing)

Back to the Index!

Found in Songs

Person Man, Person Man,
Lives his life in a garbage can,
Hit on the head with a frying pan.
Person Man.
Is he depressed or is he a mess?
Does he feel totally worthless?
Who came up with Person Man?
Degraded Man, Person Man.

--- A verse from Particle Man, by They Might Be Giants

... And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart,
"I drink, therefore I am."

--- Bruces' Philosophers Song, Monty Python Sings

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?

--- Penis Song, Monty Python Sings

Just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you.

--- Territorial Pissings, Nirvana

If I was twice the man I could be, I'd still be half of what you need.

--- Ringfinger, Nine Inch Nails

It's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do.

--- Deep Kick, Red Hot Chili Peppers

Don't let me slip, 'cause if I slip, well then I'm slipping.

--- Nuthin' But a G Thang, Dr. Dre and Snoop Doggy Dogg

Back to the Index!

Found on the Internet

To err is human, To forgive is divine,
To moo is bovine, To oink is porcine,
To howl is lupine, To purr is feline,
To bleat is ovine, To bark is canine.

--- The .sig file of a random person on the Internet

In the words of Noah (of Ark fame)

Hippo Birdie two Ewes
Hippo Birdie two Ewes
Hippo Birdie dear Lori
Hippo Birdie two Ewes!

--- in a "Happy Birthday" message to someone named Lori on the newsgroup alt.cuddle

Ignorance is merely the first signpost on the road to wisdom.

--- from K.C. of, once again, alt.cuddle fame

Imagine a twinkie the size of New York. Now eat it. That's bad.

--- Josh Brandt, on a local newsgroup at WPI

Mike, knowing you, if someone gave you a toaster you'd probably try to run NetBSD on it.

--- Ben Bennett, talking about Michael Sanders affinity for a certain free Unix OS

I am Pentium of Borg. Arithmetic is irrelevant. Prepare to be approximated.

--- Part of Andrew Toppan's .sig file

C - I don't want the slimy hand of Bill on the inner thigh of my computer!
R - The fact that your computer *has* an inner thigh is probably the most disturbing thing I've heard this month.

--- Tom Russell's response via a WPI newsgroup to Michael Caprio's views on Windows 95 and Microsoft in general

Don't marry a person you can live with, marry someone you can't live without.

--- From the .sig file of Benjamin Lee

What? A street on campus? Quick! Put a chain across it!

--- Andrew Toppan

A - Doh! Was that for the virgin crack I made about you before? :)
B - Heh. I wouldn't mind a virgin crack right about now.

--- Josh Brandt's response to Joe Amato, both of WPI.

The views expressed here _do_ also reflect those of my employer, supervisor, peers, priest, and a dog I walked past the other day on the way to the supermarket.

--- G. J. Luckman's .sig file

Who needs to meet face-to-face if you have computers? :)

--- Joe Vigneau, on why we don't have a Linux Users Group

It's virtual music. You think it's there, but it's really not!

--- Caine Schneider, talking about the title track of The Downward Spiral on alt.music.nin

Hey, yeah... it's kind of like the word "smurf". "I'm feeling just fist-f**ky today."

--- Kyle S. Moyer, on a post in alt.music.nin

This is wpi.flame. You spelled 'acknowledgement' wrong. Go f**k yourself. :)

--- Joseph Vigneau, in one of the funniest posts ever to wpi.flame

A society that is supposed to represent 'excellence in engineering' winds up being a group of people that happened to remember the specific heat of milk for number 4 on the final exam last quarter.

--- Joe Amato, talking about Tau Beta Pi

I think I speak for all of us, Chris, when I say "Thanks so much. I really wanted to know more about your post-coital activities."

--- Josh Brandt, wpi.flame

A mic that I won't recommend for [VoiceType Dictation], the no name brand white boom mics that a lot of the multimedia kits are coming with. Tin cans and string have better frequency reception.

--- William Riggs, from the Team OS/2 Help Desk Mailing List

The improvements on WebExplorer and Netscape in the last 6 months alone are enough to make a person commit suicide.

--- Found on a Web Page, talking about how to keep up with the Web.

This is the thread that never ends
It just goes on and on, my friends!
Someone replied to it, not knowing what it was
And they'll just keep replying to it, simply just because....

--- John West, in wpi.test, starting a LONG thread of replies.... <vbg>

The provider proveded it.

--- Richard Jacox, talking about a native Windows PPP dialer

E-mail if you have one for sale cheap, so I don't have to buy one.

--- Henry Gabryjelski, on wpi.forsale

Not at all. You don't need even OS/2, nor a computer at all for XFree86/OS2. Don't tell anyone, but if you specify the option -DCOFFEE_MACHINE=1 during the compile of the system, you can install it on real cheap hardware.

--- Holger Veit, on the XFree86/OS2 Mailing List

Their message may be pure FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt), but it _is_ interesting that IBM employees are telling me not to put IBM fixes on my IBM PC.

--- Mike Andrews, also on XFree86/OS2

Back to the Index!

Miscellaneous Involving Computers

(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
(2) Great generals are forewarned.
(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
(4) Four is an even number.
(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.

Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.

--- A true "pearl of wisdom" from Paul English's Linux box

If your expectations on yearly salary are not very high, a simple unsigned int variable would work. If you feel you have the potential to go above $65,535, you probably should use a long. (Have faith in yourself; use a long.)

--- Excerpt from Teach Yourself C Programming in 21 Days

Do remember that if you program too much in one day, you'll get C sick.

--- Another excerpt from Teach Yourself C Programming in 21 Days

Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.

--- Another quote thrown at me from Paul English's system

Mathematicians take it to the limit.

--- Yet another "fortune" from Paul English's server

Radioactive cats have 18 half lives.

--- Paul English's Linux machine, of course

Back to the Index!

Heard in Class

You have to be Escher. It's like drawing ducks chasing themselves up stairs.

--- Mike Jiroutek, Calc V TA, talking about 3-D sketches for double integrals

The deeper you study this, the more and more you'll realize the lies I'm telling you.

--- Prof. Vaz, in a discussion about Op-Amps

Right! It's an insulator! Like air, or... peanut butter!

--- Prof. Vaz, this time talking about a dielectric in capacitors

This is called a First-Order Transient Circuit because it has only one capacitor or one inductor. It does not have one capacitor and one inductor, or two capacitors, or three inductors. Four is right out!

--- Prof. Vaz, putting his own spin on Monty Python and the Holy Grail

An Op-Amp is just like a house.

--- Prof. Vaz, this time at his request

What? Do I have chalk all over me again? You should know that I'm always covered in chalk.

--- Instructor Dean, asking why we were all laughing

...a grab bag of fun signals problems!

--- Instructor Dean, during an example for a review session.

Now let's put the two together in a silly little processing system.

--- Instructor Dean, during a lecture on A/D and D/A converters

I normally don't do arithmetic standing up.

--- Prof. Davis, while doing a DiffEq's problem

Forbidden Discontinuities - It almost sounds like something from an afternoon soap.

--- Prof. Demetry

The looking-in option: It sounds a little voyeuristic, but don't worry about that.

--- Prof. Demetry

You might think this is mildly bogus. There is no bogosity here.

--- Prof. Demetry

Your tongue is really that small?

--- Prof. Bergo, to a student in Ethics class

...So you get a trig identity out of one of those books that's been holding your door up...

--- Prof. Goulet, talking about the usefulness of an old Calc book

Back to the Index!

Miscellaneous

Anti-Rush Flyer Zone. Violators Will Be Bludgeoned. Severely.

--- Found on the fire door of the first floor of Stoddard A, term A95

This vending location operated under the supervision of: Virginia Department for the Visually Handicapped

--- A sign at the Virginia Welcome Center, Interstate 95 South, Mile 132

No Purchase Necessary. All entries must be received by February 21, 1996. We really mean it!!! All entries received after the deadline will be fed to our pet crocodile Louise!

--- Found in an entry form for a kids essay contest, on a place mat at McDonald's in Racine, WI

Since 1992, freshman interest dropped from 3% to 11% in each of these categories.

--- Associated Press story, found in The Journal Times, Racine, WI

[F] is assembled in Singapore of parts imported from Japan, Korea, and Malaysia.

--- JC Penny Catalog

Take only pictures, leave only footprints.

--- The motto of the Appalachian Mountain Club

Back to the Index!

Go Home!